"Fat Loot"
An Exceptionally Pointless Article By Jasie
July 28th, 2002

You people I shamefully coexist with on this planet are a funny thing. And by "are a funny thing" I mean "are fucking retarded idiots who I wish would come down with a terminal case of athlete's foot". Just when I think you nimrods couldn't sink to a new low, the entire population manages to prove me wrong. Oh, and as far as that whole coexisiting thing goes, I plan to permanently remedy that once my research grant from Doctor Demento's School of Insane Scientology comes in, and I can finally afford to build my galaxy hopping Super Space Rocket of Star Wars Treking +3. It will be piloted by none other than Will Smith, who is one of the top experts in flying bizarre space craft, killing hostile aliens, and writing songs that drive me to play my nightly game of Russian Roulette with four bullets, instead of the customary one.

So you're probably wondering what's got me foaming at the mouth this time, or if you're anything like the subject of this whole mess, one Mr. Caesar Barber, you're probably wondering who you can sue, now that you've cleaned out your fridge's entire stock. Yes that's right, this particular article has a controversial topic upon which to focus it's seething wrath, and that topic is the man who has vomited up the dumbest fucking lawsuit in the history of god damn legal stuff.

Now there's been a whole slew of retarded ass lawsuits in this country over the last decade alone. The one stupid broad who spilled coffee in her lap and sued McDonald's, and that whole "let's sue tobacco companies, because feigning ignorance holds up in court" ordeal are just two fine examples. All I can say is that it's a damn shame I can't sue all you silly fuckers for mind numbing stupidity. I would be so exceedingly wealthy that... well let's just say that my dreams of owning an army of solid gold ninja warriors would be that much closer to becoming a reality. I suppose if my case was thrown out of court, I could always sue for discrimination against white males who wish to cash in upon the idiocy of their fellow man. And discrimination suits always win.

If I keep rambling like this, things will only become even more nonsensical, so I'll get to the point. Caesar Barber, a 56 year old professional money grubbing fucktard and part time dipshit who resides in the Bronx, recently filed a lawsuit against multiple fast food franchises. Beloved dealers of fat-drenched deliciousness such as McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, and KFC are apparently to blame for the rise in obesity and related illnesses in America, and Caesar Barber wants to be compensated for the side effects of his nearly six decade long Big Mac binge. I fucking hate this man.

Somehow, Barber has allowed his head to remain firmly lodged up his own ass long enough to miss all those special news reports, magazine articles and what not, that warned the rest of us about eating the insanely delicious but not so nutritious foods produced by numerous fast food franchises. This has naturally worked to his advantage as far as the lawsuit is concerned, because his whole case is seemingly built around the following sentence uttered from his own chubby lips: "They never explained to me what I was eating". Think about that for a second, and there's a good chance your head will spontaneously explode.

Here's some more food for thought: this man has had not one, but two heart attacks, and is now diabetic as well, because of his obesity. He must've been shocked beyond words when he first found out that it was all those meals of coagulated fat served between two sesame seed buns that made him the man he is today. I'll bet his mother is proud. Proud, and hopefully dead, so that she can give birth to no more lard guzzling garbage disposals. By the way: Ha Ha Ha!!! That first sentence was a pun! Food for thought! Get it?

Naturally, legions of greasy Hippos will flock to his chubby sides, and take up the non-rhyming chant of "We're too fucking lazy to do the stairmaster! Give us money for liposuction!". Then the case will be a complete success for Barber and Friends. Not long after, McDonald's and other fast food cohorts will be forced out of business by lawsuit after lawsuit. The economy will collapse, and our world will disintegrate into a lifeless wasteland where gasoline and ammunition are the only things of value. You know, kinda' like that one movie Mel Gibson starred in, "What Women Want". Or maybe it was "Lethal Weapon 3". I don't know. Just remember: whatever happens, it was all because Caesar Barber loves those Chicken McNuggets.