THIS WEEK'S STORY

Duke the Mouse In:
DEAR DUKE

As you probably already know, Duke the Mouse is my pet. He's a pretty good fellow, but some things about him really mystify me. Here's an example: I get all the bills and Duke gets all the fun mail. Well, I guess that's not so bad because I get to help him answer those letters.
    Let's see what we have for our first letter. 
    

    Dear Duke: I love your stories because they are so funny. I love to laugh. Laughing is a lot of fun. Lots of things make me laugh but when I am at school, math does not make me laugh. Maybe you can help me because I am looking for a funny number. What is the funniest number? Sincerely, Chuckles.
    
    Dear Chuck: After many years of searching and focus groups, experts have found that the number eight is about as funny as it gets. Granted numbers are not nearly as funny as verbs, but don't worry about that till next school year. Your friend, Duke.

    Dear Duke: Maybe you can help me with this. Whenever my mom wants me to do something everyone else is doing, she says, why can't you be like everybody else? When she wants me to do something different, she says, why do you have to be like everybody else? Why can't you be different? Which is it? Like everyone else or different? Signed, Can't Decide.

    Dear Decide: The answer is clear: yes and no. Different and alike. What your mother is really saying is she wants you to do what she wants. Parents often give reasons but as you get older you'll find that those reasons get more and more hare-brained until you realized that they are just window dressing. Now get back there and do whatever. Your friend, Duke.

    Dear Duke: Do you have a job? If not, why don't you get one so you can pay taxes? Sincerely, Uncle Sam
    
Dear Sam: My job is answering letters like yours and since this is all free advice, there's no need to pay taxes. Your friend, Duke.

    Dear Duke: I think it would be great to have a pet mouse. How do I go about getting one and are they difficult to keep? Once I get one, what should I do? Sincerely, Pet-less.
    
    Dear Less: First you must apply to get a mouse. The rules are very strict and there are lots of regulations that must be met; things like the size of your freezer and how much ice cream it can hold. Mice are difficult to keep because they are constantly getting better offers to go to other homes. Consider stocking up on lasagna because all mice love lasagna. Once you get a mouse, treat it like royalty. Your Friend, Duke.