THIS WEEK'S STORY

Duke the Mouse In:
SOMETHING STIRRING FOR BREAKFAST

    Over the past several years I've told lots of stories about my pet mouse, Duke. If you've listened to this program much, you know a lot about him. I don't need to tell you that he is lazy, self-centered and loves to eat. Hm. I guess that sounds a lot me, too. .§ Well, this story takes place several days ago and this is just another example why it is so difficult to keep a mouse as a pet. You see, it happened like this: Duke the Mouse can not hear the alarm of any alarm clock ever made in this world. No, there's something going on in his brain that keeps him from hearing an alarm clock in the morning. I think it might be called sleep. So it is my job to get his lazy behind out of bed and get him on the way to school each morning.
    This has been quite a problem for both of us so we sat down and talked things over. I  suggested two things: one, Duke should go to bed earlier in the evening and, two, wake up to something pleasant in the morning. The sooner that pesky mouse hits the hay, the better for me. But it was the second suggestion was the most difficult.
    I asked Duke what would he like to do in the morning? Well, you know Duke. And if you don't, then it might be a surprise when he said he liked to roll around in a bowl of lard and slip and slide across the kitchen floor playing hockey with the buttons from my good pants. Right. That's Duke for you.
    I asked him to think of something else.
    And then Duke said he would like to make breakfast in the morning. Ok, sounds good to be.
    The very next morning Duke was out of bed early and down in the kitchen before I could even get dressed. Imagine the sight of a messy kitchen first thing in the morning with a little chef the size of your thumb and flour everywhere. When I asked Duke what he was making, besides a mess, he answered pancakes. Yikes. Head for the hills.
    Oh, another thing you should know: Duke the Mouse doesn't have a very good sense of humor so early in the morning.
    Well, since I was in the mood to see how things turned out, I watched. And it wasn't a pretty sight. First of all, just getting the flour out of the sack and into the mixing bowl was not an easy task for a mouse like Duke. To say he spilled some is like saying the ocean has a little salt in it.
    Duke put the measuring cup on the counter and then tipped over the sack of flour in the general direction of the cup. Just by accident, some of the flour spilled into the cup. Amazing. The rest of it was generally pushed on the floor but that didn't matter much. At least to Duke the Mouse.
    My pet mouse needed several cups of flour in a mixing bowl and after that was spilled in there, more or less, he next needed some milk. I couldn't watch. I guess things turned out all right because when I opened my eyes there was milk in the mixing bowl.
    Next came the eggs. At this point I would urge any neatniks listening to this program to turn off the radio until I finish with this part. Unless you don't mind mouse hairs and broken egg shells in your pancakes. Think for a minute about the size of an egg versus the size of a mouse and you'll understand where this is going. Duke lugged an egg over to the mixing bowl and then dropped it, whole, into the mixture. Of course the flour kept it from breaking. Once it was safely settled and nestled in the flour, he jumped on top of it and broke the shell with his feet. Oh, he picked out the egg shell as best he could. And while you're at it, add a little mouse toe-jam to the hairs and shells.
    Still want to hear more? Brace yourself.
    After tossing in some baking soda and other secret ingredients that I'm not allowed to describe on a family program like this, Duke was ready to mix the mess. Before I could make any further suggestions, Duke lowered the beaters of my mixer into the bowl and turned it on. Now, if you've ever used an electric mixer like that, you know you've got to start out slowly—and gently. Otherwise you'll have batter everywhere.
    In a flash, the mixture of flour, eggs, milk and all the other secret ingredients splattered on the counter, all over the mixer, on the stove and even some ended up in the sink. Funny thing; Duke didn't have a spot on him. I guess that's the way it goes when you get to cook.
    All this time the frying pan had been heating up so Duke only had to tip the mixing bowl ever so slightly for the batter to run out the side and into the pan. It was amazing to watch this part.
    Oh, that reminds me: you neatniks can turn the radio on again and enjoy the rest of the story because it gets better from here on out.
    So the first pancake was sizzling in the pan and that's when I though Duke would be asking for my help. Well, forget that. He got a flipper and slid the business end of it under the pancake, balanced the middle of it on the edge of the frying pan and then jumped on the handle. Violá! The pancake vaulted into the air, turned over as neatly as a pin and landed half on the stove top and half on the edge of the pan. Duke scraped up that one as best he could and finished cooking it in good shape. It didn't look all that good but it was ok, I guess.
    One by one, he finished cooking the pancakes, keeping them on a warm plate in the oven until the rest were finished. By this time I was so amazed at my pet mouse that I could hardly say a thing. I mean, he had actually cooked himself a real breakfast. Of course, he wasn't done yet. Next he had to eat the pancakes. And that meant syrup.
    Getting just the right amount of fake maple syrup onto a plate is not difficult for folks like us. The bottle is perfectly shaped for us to hold. But a mouse? I watched as Duke removed the top of the container, turned it upside down and tied a string to it. Next he lowered the top and the string into the syrup like he was dipped water from a well. Pulling hard on the string, Duke had himself a neat capful of sticky syrup. Hm, delicious! Except he spilled it all down the side of the syrup bottle.
    I was beginning to feel sorry for him when he redipped the cap and string back into the bottle and got another load of the sticky stuff. This time he was more careful and he leaned far to the side and dumped the syrup squarely on the pancakes. Unfortunately he got his foot stuck in the syrup on the side of the bottle and that was about it for Duke. The stuff might as well have been glue because next his leg was stuck and finally my whole pet mouse was plastered in syrup and helpless, stuck to the bottle of syrup.
    Like I said, Duke doesn't have a very good sense of humor in the morning. He didn't find this whole nonsense amusing in the least and he was certainly not amused at my laughter. Of course I couldn't help myself, I was laughing so hard.
    Well, I finally pulled myself together, washed off Duke and he sat down to a hearty pancake breakfast. It was certainly kind of my pet mouse to offer me a pancake or two but I really didn't care for his kind of cooking. Duke didn't even think about it as he stuffed another bite of pancakes into his mouth.
    And that's the way it is with Duke.