God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ CNN
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy/Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering in a desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other: ___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=satisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by February 5th you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6,023,000,000 depending on number of beings entered).

Beware of...

THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....
(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus....
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Little Tommy, who was Jewish, was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, they tried everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?� Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle, when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SeaTac airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
15. Why is there always one in every crowd?
16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel returned he told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% are bad and only 5% are good.
Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second angel; to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told Him that yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% were bad and only 5% were good.
God said this was not good. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
You didn't get one either, huh?

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish :
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all--3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is it ? I've told you that I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?!?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

> - Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
- A. The guy who can carry a cup of cofffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

- Q. Who is the most popular girl at thee nudist colony?
- A. She is the one who can eat the lastt donut!

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into
the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy!!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. Try and get everyone to join in on a sing-song.
21.Make sure that everyone knows all about your personal life.
22.Shut the stall doorwithout locking it and suprize anyone who comes in.
23.If you are a guy, ask everyone for a tampon.
24.pretend you are doing it in the stall and make realistic noises.
25.ask everyone for donations of used toilet paper.
26. Say,"i'm hungry. does anyone have a sandwich in their pocket?"
27.Pretend to be on sentary duty and shout "10'O'cloak and alls' well" every minute.
28.start reading aloud from a book.
29.play the harmonica.
30.play nicky nicky nine doors on the washoom stall doors.
31.get one of these little walking dogs and send it off.
32.knock on the wall beside you and ask to borrow their cell. next drop something in the toilet and say"opps, were you wanting that back?? 33.act gay.
34.ask everyone if they are sure that they are male/female.
35.listen to a walkman and crank up the volume so everyone can hear the words.
36.try and climb out from the top of the stall.
37.type on a laptop.
38.hyperventilate.