Chapter 7
Nikki
sat on her bunk and leant back against the wall drawing heavily on her
cigarette. Claire, her solicitor, had been to see her and the evidence in
support of her appeal continued to grow. It appeared that DS Gossard wasn’t
quite the paragon of virtue he had been made out to be in court. A catalogue of
assaults and violence was building against him.
Apart
from the lifers’ meetings, she rarely saw Helen. She knew it was her own fault
things had gone wrong between them. She couldn’t believe how much she missed
her and her arms ached to hold her but Helen remained aloof. She totally
regretted the harsh things she had said to her and knew now she had been right to
send her back. It was the only way they could have had a decent life together.
If there was ever going to be any hope of a reconciliation, she would have to
be the one who backed down.
As
she left her cell, she saw Helen on the wing chatting to a PO. “Miss Stewart!”
she called urgently as Helen started to walk away. Helen turned and waited
until Nikki jogged up to her. “Miss Stewart, can I have a word, please?” she
asked, glancing at the PO. “In private, please, miss.”
“Alright,
Nikki, “ Helen agreed reluctantly. She saw Sylvia hovering nearby. “Mrs
Hollamby, would you take Nikki to my office, please. I’ll be there in a
minute.”
Nikki
stood anxiously looking out of Helen’s window. She turned as the door opened
and Helen appeared. As their eyes locked, Helen smiled nervously.
“Helen.”
Nikki heard a voice she recognised as the doctor’s, call out.
“Just
a minute, Nikki,” Helen said softly as she went back out and closed the door.
“Hiya,” she smiled as Alex came up to her.
“I
wondered if you were doing anything tonight,” he said expectantly.
“Not
unless I get a better offer,” she joked, then continued dismally. “Which I very
much doubt.”
“Broken
heart playing up again?” he asked sympathetically.
She
nodded. “Something like that.”
He
dropped a friendly kiss on her brow. “Don’t worry, Helen. Things have a way of
working themselves out.”
“I
hope so, Alex,” she replied softly. “See you later.”
Nikki
had moved away from the window. She could see the silhouettes’ of Helen and
Doctor Gilbert through the glass panel in the door and could hear muffled
voices. To her utter horror she saw their heads move together and realised they
were kissing. She looked around her helplessly. Apart from the window – which
was very tempting – there was no way out. She would have to face her.
Helen
opened her office door. Her eyes sought Nikki out and her heart sank. Judging
by the look on her face reconciliation was the furthest thing from her mind.
She must have heard Alex ask her out. “Sorry about that,” she began just as
Nikki launched a verbal attack on her.
“I
can’t say I’m surprised,” Nikki retorted. “I always thought you would go back
to men. It’s so much easier to introduce a man as your partner, isn’t it,
Helen?” She hesitated momentarily. “Are you sleeping with him?”
“Nikki,
it’s not…” Helen began only to be shot down in flames.
“Of
course you bloody well are!” she declared. “What else could I expect from a
back-stabbing, two-faced tart like you?” she exclaimed.
Helen’s
lips pursed angrily. “You are the one who ended our relationship so I don’t
have to explain my actions to you, Nikki. I can do what I like, when I like and
with whom I like?”
“Well,
bully for you!” she replied sarcastically. “Some of us don’t have that choice!”
“I’m
sorry, that was thoughtless of me,” Helen muttered.
“It’s
only what I’ve come to expect from you.”
Helen
took a deep breath and went and sat behind her desk. This was getting them
nowhere. “You wanted to see me about something?”
“Forget
it, miss!” she snapped. “I doubt if anything I have to say will interest you.”
“Nikki,
please, can’t we try and be civil to each other?” Helen beseeched her. “Can’t
we still be friends?”
Nikki
shook her head, unable to speak. She loved this woman more than life itself.
She wanted her friendship and more but she was sleeping with Alex Gilbert!
“I’ve
been speaking to Claire. Things seem to be going well with your appeal. I’m
glad you didn’t give up,” she said sincerely.
“It’s
all I have to look forward to now,” she said quietly. “Getting out of this
place and as far away from you as I can!”
“Nikki…!”
“Because
believe me, darlin’.” Nikki’s face contorted bitterly. “I curse the day I met
you!”
“Very
well, then. Go!” Helen watched her leave. Did she really still hate her so
much? Couldn’t she see how things were working out for the best? Because of all
the new evidence, Claire was confident the CCRC would recommend Nikki’s case to
the Court of Appeal but as soon as she was free, she would never see the woman
she loved again!
“What’s
wrong, Helen?” Alex asked, a concerned look on his face. She had hardly spoken
since they had reached the restaurant and her meal was almost untouched.
She
forced a smile. “I’m sorry, Alex, I’m just not hungry and I’m spoiling your
evening. Would you mind taking me home, please?”
“Of
course not,” he agreed amiably then called the waiter and asked for the bill.
As
they drove home, Helen sat silently fiddling with her handbag strap. When Nikki
had asked to see her this afternoon, she had hoped she was going to hold out
the hand of reconciliation but it had just turned into another slanging match.
She couldn’t carry on like this, eating her heart out for someone who didn’t
care. Nikki had moved on and she had to do the same.
“Would
you like to come in for a coffee?” she asked as they drew up outside her flat.
Alex
unfastened his seat belt and turned and looked at her. “Only if you promise to
talk to me. Helen, unless you talk to someone about what you’re going through,
you’re going to make yourself ill. I know we’ve only known each other a few
days but I do care about you.”
Tears
pricked the back of her eyes. How could she talk to him about Nikki? How could
she tell him that the love of her life was a woman?
“I’m
sorry, Alex. I can’t,” she said harshly. As she fumbled blindly with her seat
belt, he caught hold of her hand.
“Helen,
I’m a doctor,” he said softly. “I don’t think you can tell me anything that
will shock me and it will remain private between the two of us. I promise.”
She
looked at him. At the sincerity in his eyes and nodded.
Alex
listened in silence as she told him about herself and Nikki, from the first
tentative beginnings to the final accusations and jealousy.
“Aren’t
you going to say anything?” she asked at last.
He
hesitated as if searching for the right words. “To be honest, I don’t know what
to say.”
“You
mean I’ve shocked the unshockable doctor,” she teased.
“Not
exactly,” he replied. “I knew someone had hurt you very badly but I never
thought for one minute it would be one of the inmates.”
“Neither
did I,” she answered wryly.
“So,
do you think the two of you will get back together? I mean, do you want to get
back with Nikki?”
She
shook her head. “I don’t know, Alex. When I saw you this afternoon, Nikki had
asked to see me and was waiting for me in my office. I honestly thought, this
is it, everything is going to be alright then when I went into the office, she
just laid into me. Maybe she heard you ask me out or saw you kiss me but she
didn’t give me chance to explain.”
“You
do realise you can’t go on like this, don’t you? This is tearing you apart. Helen,
I really think you have to forget all about Nikki or the relationship will
destroy you and I don’t just mean emotionally,” he told her matter-of-factly.
“You can’t keep it a secret forever and the more people who know about you, the
greater the risk of your bosses finding out.”
“I
hear what you’re saying, Alex, but whilst there is a chance Nikki and I might
be reconciled, I won’t give up on her,” she said passionately.
“Could
you spare me a few minutes, Nikki, please?”
Nikki
looked up in surprise as Alex Gilbert spoke from the doorway. Her hands balled
into fists as she rose unsteadily from her bunk. “What the fucking hell do you
want?” She demanded angrily.
He
came right into the cell and pushed the door closed behind him. “I want to talk
to you about Helen. She told me about the two of you.”
“Pillow
talk, was it?” she snapped.
“No,
it wasn’t!” He looked at her distastefully. “Look, I know you think you have
every reason to hate me but there is absolutely nothing going on between Helen
and myself,” he told her calmly.
“And
you really expect me to believe that?” she asked incredulously.
“In
all honesty, I don’t care what you believe,” he replied, glaring at her. “I
don’t stand a chance with Helen because she’s waiting for you to come to your
senses.”
“I
don’t know what you’re talking about. I told Helen I didn’t want anything else
to do with her.”
“Well,
you obviously didn’t do a very good job of it!” he retorted. “She is prepared
to spend the next God knows how many years sitting at home alone waiting for
you to get out of here because she loves you!” He regarded her closely. “Do you
still love her, Nikki?”
She
nodded. “More than I have ever loved anyone in my life.”
“Then
you’ve got to let her go!”
She
glared at him her eyes flashing angrily. “Why? So you can have her?”
“I
won’t lie to you, Nikki. Yes, I care about her but she won’t give anyone a
second look whilst you’re on the scene. Helen is a beautiful, generous woman.
Do you think she deserves to live deprived of companionship, children, because
of some misguided loyalty to you? Can’t you see what this relationship is doing
to her? What it’s doing to both of you?” He looked at her imploringly. “Set her
free, Nikki.”
She
looked at him, tears pouring down her cheeks. There was no guile in his face,
no selfishness, just the one thing she thought she had…love for Helen. She
nodded and turned away.
“Thank
you,” he said softly.
Nikki
started as the potting shed door was flung open and Helen entered.
“I
don’t take kindly to being summoned, Nikki!” she exclaimed. “What do you want?”
“I
wanted to see you, that’s why I asked Barbara…”
“Stop
arsing about, Nikki and tell me what you want,” she said impatiently.
Nikki
bit her bottom lip to stop it trembling. “Helen, I need to talk to you about
us.”
“There
is no bloody ‘us’, anymore, Nikki, or hadn’t you noticed?” she demanded
sarcastically, throwing Nikki’s own words back at her.
“Please,
Helen. Don’t make it any harder for me than it already is,” she begged. “Do you
remember all those months ago when you came in here to me after Sean had given
his gardening talk?”
She
looked at Nikki curiously. Where was this all leading? “I’m hardly likely to
forget, am I?”
Nikki’s
face broke into a smile. “I was so jealous of Sean. He had you to go home to
every night, to lie next to in his bed. Do you know how much I longed to be
able to do that with you?” She reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair
behind Helen’s ear. “And then I got my chance and it was the most wonderful
night of my life but I realise now I was just being selfish, expecting you to
wait for me, give up a normal life for me. I love you more than my life but I
can’t give you what you deserve. All I want is your happiness,” she laughed
bitterly. “Even that’s a lie. I want what makes me happy but I don’t make you
happy.”
“Nikki,
you do…”
“No, Helen,” she said softly. “All this time
has been about what I want. You were right, I didn’t give a shit about you or I
would have let you stay with Sean and have your normal life with your 2point4
kids.” She swallowed hard. “And you’ll make a great mother some day.”
“Nikki,
if the CCRC takes up your case, you could be out of here in a matter of
months,” Helen said urgently.
“And
what if they don’t? Helen, for all we know, I may never get out of Larkhall. We
only have one life and I can’t – I won’t – let you waste your life on me.” She
laughed bitterly. “Go and find someone else to love, Helen. Someone who’ll love
and cherish and protect you as I want to but can’t.” She cupped her face and
gently kissed her mouth. “You’re very special to me, Helen. Don’t ever think you’re
not.” She turned her round and gave her a gentle push towards the door. “’Bye,
my love,” she murmured softly as the door closed behind Helen, taking her out
of her life.