Jedi Go Home
Part 11
Ben lay in bed with the duvet pulled over his head in a desperate attempt to block both light and sound. His senses were so enhanced that everything hurt. Because the sun was shining directly at his window at this hour of the afternoon, the shade seemed woefully inadequate. The sheets felt scratchy and the smell of his own vomit in the room was overpowering. No matter how many times Qui-Gon emptied the bucket and cleaned it out, the stench remained, all but gagging him. Even the water tasted bad, and he grimaced every time he rinsed his mouth out with it."Hi, Ben.�
Lifting the covers just enough so that he could glance out and still keep his eyes shielded, Ben saw Rixi sitting at his desk, and despite his miserable condition, he smiled.�Rixi!�
"Are you starting to remember anything yet?�Rixi picked up one of the model fighters that Ben had found on one of the upper shelves and left on his desk, and turned it over and over in her hands.
"A little bit,�Ben replied.�I remember jumping on the beds in the creche.�
"What�s a creche?�
"Uh--where the little children live in the Temple.�Ben scratched at the tape on his wrist. An-Paj had come by earlier and started up the IV again, and the whole thing itched almost unbearably.
"What�s this?�Rixi indicated the model.
"It�s a Verpine figher. I made it myself when I was about twelve. I used to have them flying around under the ceiling, but I got too old for them and put them away.�Ben blinked, surprised at what he�d just said.
"What�s a Verpine?�
"I don�t know.�The flash of memory was over.
"Do the lights on this thing work?�
"They used to, I think,�Ben replied, scratching again. It didn�t help.
Rixi put the model down and picked up the purple and blue pullover.�Did you like this?�
"I wear it all the time, that�s how much I love it. And I always think of you.�
Rixi giggled.�You�re not wearing it now, though.�
"It�s too hot in bed.�Ben stopped trying to scratch through the tape and began to pick at it instead. It hurt, but the pain was easier to bear than the itch.
"You look really awful.�Holding the pullover on her lap, Rixi twisted her braid around her finger as she looked at him.
"I feel really awful.�
"Shall I make you some tea?�
"Yeah, that�d be nice.�
Rixi tucked the pullover under the covers as she went by, and Ben hugged it close to his chin even though it felt even scratchier than the duvet. He had to throw up again just then, and after he�d finished, he lay back and arranged the covers across his face again. A moment later, the door opened and he heard Qui-Gon came in.
"You�re not vomiting as much to-day as you were yesterday,�he remarked as he reached for the bucket.�Shall I bring you some more water?�
Ben winced at the sound of his voice.�Has Rixi finished with the tea yet?�
"What?�
"Rixi was going to make some tea.�
"Obi-Wan, you know that Rixi is still on Theosne,�said Qui-Gon gently.
"No, she was here, she was right here. She just went out to make some tea,�Ben explained.
"It was a hallucination, Obi-Wan. I�m sorry.�
"No, it was real. Look, she handed my pullover to me.�
Qui-Gon looked pityingly at him.�Obi-Wan, you probably reached out and got it yourself. Rixi was not here. Do you want some tea? I�ll make you some.�
�Yeah.�After a moment of consideration, Ben recognised that Qui-Gon had to be telling the truth. Rixi would not have felt so at home here among the Jedi. Her voice hadn�t hurt his ears the way Qui-Gon�s did at the moment, and he didn�t remember hearing the door slide open to announce either her arrival or her departure. As the realisation set in, he found that he was missing her even more than before.
"Stop picking at that. I�ll be back in a few minutes.�
Ben wondered how Qui-Gon knew that he was scratching at the tape when both his hands were under the covers, and scratched even harder for a moment in protest, then stopped when the pain became too much to bear.
*****
With a sigh, Qui-Gon lay down on his bed and closed his eyes. It had not been a particularly strenuous day, but the weeks of worry and especially the last days of always being on his guard around Obi-Wan were starting to take their toll on him. He felt certain that he could sleep deeply to-night for the first time since his apprentice had disappeared. Obi-Wan was here, he was safe, and above all, there was no longer any danger of him trying to run away in the night. Through their bond, Qui-Gon had noticed the change in Obi-Wan; the gradual ebbing away of fear and wariness, the increasing acceptance of his situation, a certain amount of excitement about the returning memories, and a distinct yearning for more.
His apprentice was making excellent progress. The side-effects of the drug had worn off in the late afternoon, and he�d allowed Qui-Gon to convince him to go to the cafeteria for supper, instead of sneaking out of his room for bread and jam when he thought Qui-Gon wasn�t looking. The meal had passed without incident, and it was only afterwards that they�d run into Garen Muln, another one of Obi-Wan�s friends. Obi-Wan had suddenly reached out and shoved the young man to the floor, then accused him of hiding his stuffed Wookiee. He�d even stuck his thumb in his mouth as he stood there waiting for the return of the prized toy. While Garen had struggled to control a fit of the giggles, Qui-Gon had stepped in and quickly invited Obi-Wan to come and have an ice cream with him "while Garen is finding your Wookiee.� Obi-Wan had come back to the present time halfway through his second ice, and then Qui-Gon had suggested a walk in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. They�d often gone there to meditate together in the past, and Obi-Wan had frequently met with friends by one of the larger waterfalls. Approaching it that evening, Obi-Wan had nodded excitedly, and it was obvious that he remembered the place. He hadn�t said much to Qui-Gon, as he was still keeping him somewhat at a distance, but the feelings had come unfiltered through the bond and Qui-Gon had been very pleased.
He was tired now, ready to sleep, but just as he was dozing off, the door slid open and his apprentice came in. Propping himself up on one elbow, Qui-Gon asked,�Obi-Wan?�
The boy laid a hand on his forehead, looking concerned, and seemed to be listening to something. Then, quite abruptly, he turned and went out. Getting up, Qui-Gon followed him, surprised to see him seated at the comm unit talking to a Healer apprentice.
"My master is really sick,�he was saying urgently.�He�s burning with fever and he sort of rattles when he breathes.�
I do what? Qui-Gon wondered, automatically checking his own temperature. He felt perfectly normal.
"What�s his name? Where are you located?�the young girl asked.
"Master Qui-Gon Jinn,�Obi-Wan said, then gave the address of their apartment.�Please hurry! We�ve just got back from a mission, and he�s already been sick for a few days, but it�s suddenly got worse!�
With a deep intake of breath, Qui-Gon realised that Obi-Wan was referring to the time they�d gone to an Outer Rim planet and he�d come back with a fully developed case of Rodian flu. He vaguely remembered staggering from the ship to their apartment, and then he�d woken up in the infirmary three days later with no idea how he�d got there. Now he knew--but that had been years ago! Obi-Wan was obviously reliving those days of worry and uncertainty.
Leaning into the picture, he said,�It�s all right, I�m not sick. My Padawan is hallucinating.�
"Master!�Obi-Wan cried.�You shouldn�t be up! You�re sick! Sit down before you collapse!�
He sat up and practically pushed Qui-Gon into the seat, hovering anxiously at his side.
"I�m fine. Really, I�m fine. Don�t send anybody over,�Qui-Gon told the girl. She looked uncertainly from him to Obi-Wan, obviously debating which one she should believe.
"No, you�re hallucinating, master,�Obi-Wan protested, then turned his attention to the girl.�Please! You can see he�s delirious! He�s burning up and he can hardly breathe!�
"I�m fine. Believe me, I am fine,�Qui-Gon insisted.�Don�t send anybody over. Get in touch with An-Paj and he will tell you that Obi-Wan is being treated with a drug that can cause hallucinations.�
"Master An-Paj has already left for the evening,�the girl reported, still looking uncertain.
"He�s got a comlink, hasn�t he? Contact him!�Qui-Gon cut the connection abruptly, then stood up and placed both hands on Obi-Wan�s shoulders.�Obi-Wan, calm down. I�m fine. I did have the Rodian flu, but that was three years ago, and I lived through it. It�s over now. You are remembering something that happened three years ago.�
"No, you�re sick, you�re delirious, you need to be in bed,�Obi-Wan repeated.
"Look, I�ll sit on the couch, all right?�He sat down and watched with a mixture of amusement and consternation as Obi-Wan placed a cushion at one end and patted it invitingly, a desperate, worried look on his face. After a moment, he decided it wouldn�t hurt to go along with his apprentice, and stretched out, closing his eyes. Obi-Wan knelt down in front of him almost instantly and and took Qui-Gon�s hand in both of his.
"Don�t die on me, master! Please don�t die on me!�
"I�m not going to die, Obi-Wan,�Qui-Gon murmured. He couldn�t help thinking how nice it was to hear these heartfelt pleas in comparison to the hate-filled cry of �You�re nothing but a stinking filthy Jedi and I do not want to be around you any longer!�
A moment later, he felt a stirring in the Force around him, and then a bolt of pure healing energy shot into him. His eyes snapped open in alarm as he realised it was coming from Obi-Wan.
"Padawan, no! Don�t do that. You need your strength for yourself.�
"I�m not going to let you die, master,�Obi-Wan repeated stubbornly.�Just hang on until the Healers get here.�
"Stop it, Obi-Wan,�Qui-Gon sharply. When was this memory going to end? Surely it had been at least ten minutes already? It should be over by now, and Obi-Wan should be reverting back to the present at any second, and the sooner the better. Qui-Gon was convinced that he shouldn�t be exerting himself like that; it would negatively affect his own recovery.�I am not dying.�
They were still arguing when the door buzzer sounded, and then Obi-Wan leaped up and raced to open it. An-Paj came in and listened briefly to Obi-Wan�s frantic explanation, which came to an abrupt end halfway through the litany of symptoms. Giving the boy a friendly clap on the shoulder, An-Paj came over and stared down at Qui-Gon with a slowly widening grin on his face.�Yes, Qui-Gon, I can see that you�re only a step away from becoming one with the Force.�
"I was playing along,�Qui-Gon explained, feeling faintly sheepish as he sat up.�I didn�t know what else to do.�
"Well, if the Rodian flu doesn�t kill you, Number Six definitely will.�
"I really do apologise,�Qui-Gon murmured.
"What�s Number Six?�Obi-Wan asked. The intense worry had faded from his face and from their bond, and Qui-Gon felt relieved that the memory/hallucination had stopped at last.
"My youngest wife,�An-Paj explained.
Obi-Wan blushed bright red and he began to back away towards his bedroom.�I�m sorry. I really thought he was--it was so real, and now it�s not!�
"Three years ago, it was real,�Qui-Gon said gently.�Three years ago, you kept me alive until the Healers came, and I never knew--until now. You have my gratitude, Padawan.�
Obi-Wan looked at him with that bewildered expression on his face and seemed to be about to say something, but couldn�t decide what. Through their bond, Qui-Gon could feel conflicting emotions, and all of them were shrouded in sheer confusion. He kept staring at Qui-Gon as though he expected something that was not forthcoming, and after a moment, Qui-Gon asked,�What is it, Obi-Wan?�
"I--I--That�s the only memory I have of you,�Obi-Wan stammered, searching for words to define his feelings.
"The rest will come, Obi-Wan. Don�t be impatient. Just wait.�
"No, but--when I remember you, I remember that--that I really lo--cared about you and I was so worried that I would have done anything to help--and--and when I think of you now, I--I--�
"You�re scared of me and you hate me,�Qui-Gon stated calmly. "Yes. No. I don�t know.�Obi-Wan bit his lip and looked away.�I don�t know what I feel anymore--it�s all so confusing!�
"It�s all right, Obi-Wan, I understand,�said Qui-Gon.�You can only judge according to what you�ve experienced, and unfortunately, it wasn�t very positive at the beginning. Now you�re starting to remember other things, and you see that there�s a difference that you�re not yet able to comprehend. But trust me, you will remember more and more and very soon, I hope, you�ll understand that I did what I did because I love you. Remember what I told you about the time you broke your arm and I had to set it. If you hadn�t remembered breaking it, you would have thought I was torturing you, not trying to help. It�s the same principle here. I�m willing to give you the time that you need to discover these things for yourself. Be patient and grant yourself that time, too.�
Obi-Wan nodded reluctantly, then yawned all at once.
"It�s been a long, exciting day,�said An-Paj,�and this Healer prescribes a good night�s sleep for both of you. I�ll see you in the morning--after breakfast. Now if you�ll excuse me, I�d like to see my bed from the inside as well.�
*****
Knocking on Obi-Wan�s door the next morning, Qui-Gon heard the usual lack of response, so he pressed the switch to open the door.�Obi-Wan?�
The room was empty. Automatically checking it again, and then heading for the kitchen, which was also empty, Qui-Gon felt himself beginning to get angry, both at Obi-Wan and at himself. His apprentice had betrayed him--again. He�d waited until the first opportune moment and then run off! If only Qui-Gon had not been so quick to replace his trust in him. If only he�d slept on the sofa in front of the door again last night. If only--
A hasty communication with the Jedi on duty at the hanger deck relieved some of his anxiety. No ships had taken off in the night at all, either with or without permission, and Obi-Wan had not been seen in the area. At least he hadn�t tried to escape the planet, Qui-Gon thought to himself. Yet. But where was he? Shutting his eyes briefly, Qui-Gon reached out with the Force, letting it guide his footsteps as he walked out of their apartment and down the corridor. His apprentice was still in the Temple--that was good. He had not yet remembered how to shield his thoughts--that was even better. And he was radiating satisfaction of a kind that bordered on actual glee.
Qui-Gon arrived in the cafeteria only minutes later, but no matter how many times he glanced around, he was unable to spot his Padawan. It should have been easy enough to pick him out even if he had been wearing Jedi clothing instead of that purple pullover that he seemed so attached to, but although there were only a few people scattered around the tables, none of them was Obi-Wan.
"Master Jinn!�called out a female voice.�He�s over here!�
It was An-Hwaet. Qui-Gon had forgotten that she worked in the cafeteria, as she usually stayed in the back, coming out only occasionally to add something to the buffet and take the empty serving dishes away. Now she was motioning him over to the freezer section.
"I just called your apartment, but there was no answer,�she said.�Thank the Force I heard you coming, otherwise I would have notified the Healers.�
What she meant was, she�d heard Qui-Gon�s frantic thoughts. The natives of the planet Ossa were telepathic, an ability that helped make An-Paj an excellent healer, as he could �feel� where his patients were hurt or sick and listen to what they were not saying. It was slightly unnerving, however, in normal conversation.
"Is he all right?�Qui-Gon asked, even more worried now.
An-Hwaet grinned.�Oh, he�s not suffering, if that�s what you mean, but see for yourself.�
Obi-Wan was sitting on the floor, half hidden at the side of the freezer, happily finishing up an ice cream on a stick. Around him were three--no, four--empty wrappers, and he grinned happily up at Qui-Gon, a blue smear all around his mouth.
"I like ice!�he declared.
Qui-Gon felt his anger fade abruptly to something close to pity.
"I just came out and saw him sitting here with a whole handful of those things, and thought I�d better get in touch with you. His thoughts are so different. So...childlike, somehow. I thought something must be wrong.�
"It�s the amnesia treatment,�Qui-Gon explained as he extended one hand.�Come on, Obi-Wan, get up.�
He hauled his Padawan to his feet, then looked around for something to wipe his face with. Anticipating the need, An-Hwaet handed him a paper napkin, and he cleaned the ice cream off with a few well-placed swipes.
"It makes him relive some of his memories as though they were happening all over again,�Qui-Gon continued as he worked. He�d just finished when Obi-Wan suddenly stepped backwards, his expression changing to a glare of disgust.
"What are you doing?�Obi-Wan demanded.
"You had ice cream all over your mouth,�Qui-Gon explained.
"And all down that beautiful pullover,�An-Hwaet added.�That�s going to have to be washed.�
"No...�Obi-Wan looked down at the blue, pink, and brown smears. Qui-Gon wondered if the sound of dismay was because of the mess, or because he would now have to take the pullover off and put on Jedi clothing.
"Would you mind picking up the wrappers and putting them in the garbage can?�An-Hwaet indicated the debris, which Obi-Wan regarded with a confused look on his face before gathering it up and throwing it away.
When his Padawan had finished the simple task, Qui-Gon asked,�Have you had anything else for breakfast?�
Obi-Wan shook his head.
"I suppose it�s too late now, but you can sit with me while I eat, then.�
But to his surprise, Obi-Wan grabbed a tray as well, and began to pick out a moderate selection of breakfast food.
"You just had four ice creams,�Qui-Gon reminded him.
"That was years ago!�
Qui-Gon decided to let it pass. After they�d finished eating, he led his apprentice back to the apartment and in answer to the boy�s quizzical look, he said,�We�ve got time for you to change before we go to the infirmary.�
"I�ll just wipe it off,�Obi-Wan said, making for the refresher, but Qui-Gon caught his arm.�You�ve been wearing that pullover for more than a week now. It is filthy and it has to be washed. Take it off.�
He could almost hear Obi-Wan wondering what would happen if he resisted, trying to calculate whether he should take the risk, and added,�The droids will take it down to the laundry and have it back by this afternoon, and then you can wear it for another week, if you insist. But you will take it off and let it be cleaned first.�
*****
"Now you look like a Jedi,�said Rixi as Ben finished with the sash and reached for the utility belt. She was sitting on the bed, twisting her hair as usual.�Except all the other Jedi wear light sabers. Do you have a light saber?�
"I built one myself,�Ben replied, remembering. He looked at the wall above his bed, expecting to see it hanging there, but the hook was empty.
"You built one yourself? What colour was it?�
"Blue,�he replied. He thought back to the night of the kidnapping and how the Jedi had come across the lawn as they were trying to get over the wall, his light saber glowing green in the darkness. Every Jedi had a different coloured blade.
"Obi-Wan, are you coming?�Qui-Gon called through the door.
"Obi-Wan!�Rixi giggled.�It still sounds funny!�
"I didn�t laugh at the name Rixiar Maethum!�Ben retorted.
"Sorry.�Rixi covered her mouth with her hand, but her eyes still twinkled.�Are you getting used to hearing it at all yet?�
"Yeah, a little bit. But it still doesn�t seem like my name.�He looked down at his Jedi clothes again. He grudgingly had to admit that they were comfortable and even starting to seem a little familiar now, but they still made him feel more like Obi-Wan and less like Ben. He felt as though he was being stripped of his identity without having much of anything yet to put in its place.
"You�ll always be Ben to me.�
"Thanks,�Ben smiled, grateful for her support.�And even if I�m not wearing the pullover, I�m always thinking of you.�
Rixi smiled back, but her answer was pre-empted by another call from Qui-Gon.
"I�d better go, before he drags me out,�Ben said.
Coming out, he almost ran into Qui-Gon, who had apparantly been about to come in. The tall Jedi stepped back and looked him over, nodding approvingly, but all he said was,�Put the pullover in the dirty clothes hamper in the refresher so that the droids will find it, and then we�ll go down to the infirmary.�
On the way, Ben asked,�Qui-Gon, what happened to my light saber?�
"You...left it behind when you disappeared from Mayor Ech-to-tha�s estate. I brought it back with the rest of your things.�
"Where is it now?�
"I�ve got it safe.�
"Can I have it back?�
"No.�
"Why not?�
"Because I am afraid that you would hurt yourself or others with it during one of your hallucinations.�
Ben frowned.
"What do you remember about your light saber?�Qui-Gon asked, sounding genuinely curious.
"It was blue. I made it myself.�
"Anything else?�
Ben struggled to remember, then shook his head in defeat.
"It�s all right, Obi-Wan. I�m very happy that you remember that much, and that you want it back. You�re starting to become a Jedi again.�
The words were obviously meant as a compliment, but Ben felt them like a slap in the face.
"Keep it,�he snapped.