Jedi Go Home
Part 12
Obi-Wan scowled."You really shouldn’t pick at this, you know,“An-Paj said, taking up the scissors and cutting through what was left of the tape that now barely held the IV in place in Obi-Wan’s arm.
"It really itches,“Obi-Wan answered defensively.“Not all the time, not right now, just when that drug is affecting me.“
"I can well imagine,“An-Paj replied, sliding the needle out.“Were you able to keep anything down yesterday or to-day?“
"Yes, I ate supper, and breakfast,“Obi-Wan reported.
"And four ice creams this morning,“Qui-Gon added.
"Four ice creams? Then we definitely don’t need a new one. The vomiting seems to last about six to eight hours, and if you’re able to eat and drink normally after that, you’re in no danger of dehydrating.“
"Good.“
"Still, better to be safe than dying,“An-Paj smiled.
"How are the memories coming along?“asked Dr. Ra-sek-mun.
"They’re coming,“Obi-Wan replied shortly, not looking at the Get-tro-wen.
Qui-Gon reported,“He’s relived several memories, and had a few hallucinations. It all seems to be coming back at random, as you predicted.“
"Ah. Then he’s right on the mark. Ready for the next injection, Obi-Wan?“
Still staring in the opposite direction, Obi-Wan extended his arm, and the doctor pressed the cylinder against it.
"Obi-Wan, you are being discourteous when you do not look at him,“Qui-Gon admonished him gently.“The Jedi revere life in all its forms.“
Obi-Wan raised his eyes to Dr. Ra-sek-mun and said, quite provocatively,“I wish everybody in the galaxy felt that way.“
"So do I,“replied Dr. Ra-sek-mun, regarding him steadily in return.
"We are not responsible for the actions of others,“said Qui-Gon.“We are only responsible for our own. Dr. Ra-sek-mun is not your enemy. He did not torture you. You have no cause to treat him as though he did.“
"I know,“Obi-Wan answered reluctantly, glancing away at last.“But--“
"But?“
"He still looks like a Getter!“He hung his head.“I’m sorry. Sometimes I remember what it’s like to be a Jedi, and--and revere life in all its forms, but most of the time, I don’t, and even when I do, it all seems so far away and long ago, and the memories about the Getters are so new, and--“
An-Paj laid a friendly hand on the boy’s shoulder.“It’s very confusing, isn’t it?“
Obi-Wan nodded.
"You still need time to remember everything, and you’ll probably need even more time to come to terms with what’s happened. It’s all right, Obi-Wan. Don’t worry about us. We understand. Now, why don’t you go wander around the Temple a little bit and see what else you can remember. Take your time and let it come to you.“
Obi-Wan looked towards the door, and An-Paj smiled.“Go on, then.“
Obviously relieved, Obi-Wan jumped down from the table and went out, and Qui-Gon scrambled to catch up with him. He’d already gone around the first corner, and when Qui-Gon followed, Obi-Wan suddenly jumped out at him and yelled“Boo!“
It was so unexpected that Qui-Gon couldn’t help being startled, and Obi-Wan saw it. His eyes lit up and he asked,“Did I scare you? Did I?“
"Yes, Obi-Wan,“Qui-Gon had to admit truthfully.“You scared me.“
"I scared one of the masters,“Obi-Wan began to chant, dancing triumphantly around in the hall.“I scared one of the masters!“
One of the masters? Qui-Gon thought. Then he realised that Obi-Wan was probably reliving a time when he’d never even heard of Qui-Gon, let alone met him, and was simply enjoying the fact that he’d managed to startle one of the usually unflappable masters. Recognising that Obi-Wan must have been quite a terror in his childhood, he found himself smiling.
Obi-Wan stopped leaping about and looked up at him.“Are you laughing at me?“
"No, Obi-Wan, I was just wishing I’d known you when you were younger. It might have convinced me to take you as my Padawan earlier than I did.“
"You didn’t know me when I was young? When did we meet?“
"When you were twelve, just about to turn thirteen.“
"Oh.“Absorbing this information, Obi-Wan looked away, then headed for the lift in silence.
*****
It was almost lunchtime when Obi-Wan suddenly emerged from his bedroom. He stopped in front of the couch where Qui-Gon was reading and said simply,“I accept, Master, Qui-Gon Jinn.“
"Accept what?“Qui-Gon asked, reaching out through the bond. He could feel the warmth of the Force radiating from Obi-Wan, but it gave him absolutely no clue as to what the boy was talking about.
Obi-Wan’s happy face faded slightly as he tried again.“I would be honoured to be your Padawan. Master.“
"Oh!“Qui-Gon struggled to remember that fateful day on Bandomeer when the young Obi-Wan Kenobi had offered to blow himself up to give Qui-Gon a chance to escape the mine that they had both been trapped in, and save the rest of the planet. It was then that he’d decided to take the boy as his Padawan, after having rejected him several times before. What had he said next? Did he have to repeat it exactly? It had been more than five years ago, after all. Would a different answer give Obi-Wan two sets of memories, or would he even hear the present-day Qui-Gon? He searched for words, and found with surprise that they came easily to him.“You would not have succeeded with your plan. I would have stopped you from dying for me.“
Serenely, exactly as he had said it then, Obi-Wan stated,“You would not have been able to, Master.“
Qui-Gon smiled, enjoying the moment of silence that followed as the Force pulsed strongly between them. It was so good to feel that positive side of Obi-Wan again, instead of mistrust, anger, hate, and wariness, or just plain having his apprentice ignore him. Eventually it faded, however, and Obi-Wan began to squint, turning away from the light of the windows. Without a further word, he turned and headed hastily for the refresher, and Qui-Gon could hear him being sick again. He came out with his hands shielding his eyes, and stumbled back to his bedroom.
*****
Ben lay in bed, remembering. He’d been so happy when Qui-Gon had finally accepted him as his Padawan. There’d been times during the journey from Bandomeer to Phindar when he’d just had to grin to himself because it had seemed so incredible and yet it was true. He’d felt an overwhelming sense of home through the Force. He wished he felt that now. Home. He could remember it so clearly, and yet things still didn’t feel like home to him here.
Other memories had come to him during the day, too, all of them having something to do with Qui-Gon. They were all so different, and yet they all had something in common. He wasn’t sure how to define it. Happiness? Trust? A sense of family? That sense of home he’d felt before? Those feelings were all part of it somehow, and yet none of them exclusively. It was hard for him to think coherantly when he felt so sick. Every time he got close to a conclusion, he had to lean over and throw up, or a distant sound, magnified to the point of pain, distracted him.
"I have been searching for you, too, Padawan. I am glad to have found you.“
There it was again. Loving words. Acceptance. Home. The memory was so strong that he actually smiled, and then his smile faded when he realised he was yearning to experience that feeling again. That sense of belonging, of friendship, of--love. He could feel the lack of it in his life, and yet he found himself reluctant to take that last, small step of trusting Qui-Gon and welcoming him back into his life. No. He couldn’t. Not just yet. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for. More memories perhaps? He just knew he wasn’t ready yet.
He was still trying to get used to the name Obi-Wan.
*****
When the side effects of the drug had worn off, and they had eaten supper, Obi-Wan had asked to go down to the training rooms. Pleasantly surprised that Obi-Wan had actually requested something, instead of reluctantly going along with Qui-Gon’s suggestions, Qui-Gon had agreed, and they had walked down to the observation level again.
"I remember some of that,“said Obi-Wan, leaning over the wall and watching a Master and an older Padawan sparring together.“Sometimes, when I fought, I used to imagine I was battling a Togorian pirate, or worse. And winning, of course.“
Pausing, Obi-Wan gave him a quick sideways look, then added,“I remember even imagining that I was winning against you.“
"Am I worse than a Togorian space pirate?“Qui-Gon asked, amused.
"It was just a daydream,“Obi-Wan shrugged. He turned away, obviously a little embarrassed, and crossed the walkway to look down on another room. This was the largest one, where the initiates and Padawans learned or perfected tumbling skills. There was a multitude of thick mats covering the floor, and thicker ones piled in strategic places or leaning against the side walls. Bricks jutted out of the far wall to provide hand- and footholds for climbing, and there were also small ledges set there, seemingly at random, the lowest one about four meters above the floor, the highest a good twelve. Obi-Wan had always loved practising flips here, and Force-assisted jumps, and anything else that made him feel like he was flying.
"Master, may I show you something?“Obi-Wan asked suddenly.
Alerted to the shift in memories by the difference of the emotions that came through their bond, Qui-Gon turned to ask what, but Obi-Wan had already hopped up to the top of the wall and jumped down into the room before he could speak. Two of the girls who were working out directly below had to move aside to make room for him, and Qui-Gon heard one of them say,“It’s raining men!“
"It’s Obi-Wan,“said the other in surprise, and Qui-Gon realised for the first time that it was Obi-Wan’s Mon Calimari friend Bant.
Obi-Wan ignored her, or perhaps he didn’t hear. Instead, he glanced up to Qui-Gon, his eyes shining with anticipation.“I’ve been practising in secret! Watch!“
He took a little run across the mats, then jumped, and it was only in that instant that Qui-Gon realised he was headed for the highest ledge, the one just under the ceiling. His heart seemed to stop for a moment as Obi-Wan shot up, and then it thudded twice as hard in his chest when Obi-Wan landed as lightly as any master and turned around to grin at him.“Surprise! I did it!“
"Congratulations, Padawan!“Qui-Gon called out, just as he had done when Obi-Wan had first shown him his newly-acquired skill. How old had he been then? Fourteen? Fifteen? It took a lot of practise to reach even the lowest ledge; it involved judging the correct trajectory and being able to levitate oneself at high speed, skills that usually needed years to perfect. He felt again the fierce pride he’d felt in his apprentice’s abilities, and added, just as he had then,“Can you come down again?“
Obi-Wan placed his toes on the edge of the ledge, still grinning, but then his grin faded abruptly and a wave of sheer terror came through the bond like an electrical pulse.
"Obi-Wan, don’t panic,“Qui-Gon called up. He frowned. There wasn’t enough room for him to land on the ledge as well with Obi-Wan standing right in the middle of it, and the next ledge over was also too far for his apprentice to reach without the Force.
Obi-Wan froze, looking down to the floor some twelve meters below. Willing him not to make any sudden moves, Qui-Gon leaped over the wall as well, landing next to Bant and the other girls, who had all stopped tumbling and were staring up at Obi-Wan in astonished consternation. They watched wordlessly as Qui-Gon leaped up to the next highest ledge, only a meter lower than Obi-Wan’s, but on the other side of the wall.
*****
"Obi-Wan?“
Ben heard the voice, but didn’t dare follow the sound to its source. He continued to stare down at the floor, realising that he’d actually meant to jump down. He’d really been about to jump to that floor, so far below. No! What had he been thinking? How had he got up here in the first place? He remembered using the Force to help him jump and land here securely, and in his memory, he had been so confident, so sure that he could do it. Now that confidence had gone. The memory of how to use the Force that way again had disappeared. If he tried to get down now, he’d fall, and even with the mats below him, he’d surely break both his legs on impact, if not his neck.
"Obi-Wan,“came the voice again.“I’ll levitate you off. Just relax. Focus on my voice and find your calm center.“
Calm center? What was that? He remembered something...but before he could grasp it completely, he felt himself start to move upwards slightly, his feet leaving the surface and floating out into free space. Panicking, he began to scream, and then he was standing on the ledge again, not moving at all. Afraid of losing his balance and plunging over the edge, he sat down quickly against the wall, then reached out and found one of the protruding bricks for each hand to grasp. After that, he remained motionless, his heart pounding and the sweat cooling rapidly on his forehead and body.
"I was too fast, Obi-Wan, I apologise.“
Without moving the rest of his body, Ben turned his head and saw Qui-Gon standing almost directly across from him on the ledge in the other corner.
"Can you scoot over a bit?“Qui-Gon asked.“I’ll come to you.“
"If I move, I’ll fall off,“Ben said, surprised that he still had a voice to answer with.
"All right. Listen to my voice. Listen to me. Ben. Focus on my voice. You can find your calm center.“
"I don’t know what that is! Can’t you get a ladder up here?“
"We don’t have ladders this high here in the Temple.“
"What?!“
"We don’t need them. We use our levitation skills instead.“
"Oh, rugged! How am I supposed to get down?“
"I can levitate you down, but you have to let go of the wall first.“
Ben felt his grip tighten even more than he’d thought possible at those words.
"Don’t panic, Ben. Fear is a feeling. You can let your feelings move through you. The fear can leave you, and then you will feel calm inside. That is your calm center. Take a deep breath and let it out. Go on.“
"I’m not panicking! Why should I panic? I’m only going to be stuck up here until I starve to death!“Ben managed to take one deep breath but let it out too quickly.
"Do it again. This time, imagine your fear leaving you with that breath.“
It took several tries, and several deep breaths before Ben was able to imagine anything of the sort. A memory stirred in him, a memory of him doing exactly the same thing at some point before. It had worked then. He didn’t remember the exact situation, but he remembered that the technique had worked.
"You can do it, Ben,“Qui-Gon coached him.“Relax.“
He breathed out. Yes, the panic was leaving him now. He exhaled again, feeling his heart slow slightly as a calm feeling settled over him. It was just like that time before! It really was working!
"Very good, Ben. Now let go of the wall. I can levitate you off the ledge and down to the floor. You won’t fall. I’ll be holding you all the time through the Force.“
"Yeah,“said Ben, but although the intensity of his grip lessened somewhat, his fingers refused to release the bricks completely.
"You’ll have to trust me, Ben. I won’t let you fall. I give you my word as a Jedi.“
Ben shut his eyes, trying to decide if he remembered enough about Qui-Gon to trust him. As he mentally reviewed everything he’d recollected during the day, he found himself focusing on that feeling again, that sense of belonging and the confidence that went with it. Faith. He’d had it before, he knew it.
"Because you’re my apprentice, my Padawan, and I care about you as though you were my son.“
The words echoed suddenly in his mind and because of the memories, Ben found, all at once, that he believed them. He knew from Dr. Maethum how a father strove to keep a daughter from harm, and he realised that Qui-Gon would not have offered to levitate him down unless he knew with absolute confidence that he could do it and not let him get hurt. The older Jedi really did think of him as a son! Slowly, he let go of the bricks, then pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.
"Ben? Do you trust me?“
He nodded.
"Are you ready?“
Ben nodded again, and then he was already rising up off the ledge, surprised at how smooth the movement was. As he began to drift down, moving slowly towards the floor below, he had a sudden urge to uncurl and spread his arms wide. He kept them tucked in, however, not wanting to startle Qui-Gon, and a moment later, he had settled gently onto the largest pile of mats in the room. Qui-Gon landed lightly a few meters away, then hurried over.“Ben? Are you all right?“
Getting to his feet, he stopped and stared, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Ben?“Qui-Gon asked again, starting to look concerned. "I recognise you! I remember you!“He was grinning all over now.“You’re Qui-Gon Jinn! You’re my master! I know you! And my name is Obi-Wan!“
In the next instant, Obi-Wan found himself crushed against his master’s chest as Qui-Gon hugged him tightly. It felt good at first, but eventually, he had to mumble,“Master, I can’t breathe!“
Grinning as well, Qui-Gon released him and they stood in silence for a moment, just looking at each other. Finally, this time with laughter in his voice, Obi-Wan said again,“I remember you!“
*****
"Does it seem familiar yet?“Qui-Gon asked the next morning as they walked to the cafeteria.
Obi-Wan shook his head. He’d been so euphoric the night before after having recognised not only Qui-Gon, but also his friend Bant. They had run into Tahl later and at first, Obi-Wan had seemed to know the blind knight as well. But then he’d said,“You came to visit Qui-Gon a few nights ago. You wanted him to send me around the obstacle course while you sparred with him!“ Other than that, he’d had no recollection of her, and the mention of the planet Melida/Daan had not sparked any response, either. That lack of remembrance had not bothered Obi-Wan as much as when they’d come home and he had glanced around the apartment in dismay.
"Are you sure we live here?“he’d asked.
"Yes,“Qui-Gon had reassured him.“Don’t you remember?“
Obi-Wan’s disappointment had rushed almost unfiltered through the bond as his shoulders slumped.“No. I thought I would, but I don’t. It’s funny that I should remember the Room of a Thousand Fountains, but this still seems so strange to me. It still makes me wish--“
He’d stopped, glancing away, and Qui-Gon had gently prodded,“Makes you wish what?“
"It still makes me wish I were h-home. Back with the Maethum family, I mean. I’m sorry, master! I don’t mean to hurt your feelings.“
"Don’t be sorry, Obi-Wan. It’s all right. They were a family to you for five weeks. It’s natural to want to be with them again.“
"I miss them,“Obi-Wan had confessed.“I mean, I’m glad to be back with you--now that I remember--but I really miss them, too.“
"I know,“Qui-Gon had assured him.“And don’t worry. You’ll remember everything eventually, and you’ll soon feel at home again here, too.“
Now, walking through the cafeteria to the buffet, they met up with Dr. Ra-sek-mun.
"Good morning,“he said, then yawned suddenly.“Sorry. I’m still trying to get used to Coruscant time.“
"Obi-Wan had a major breakthrough yesterday evening,“Qui-Gon reported as he reached for a tray and handed it back to his Padawan, then took one for himself.“He really recognised me for the first time.“
"Wonderful! I knew the treatment would work, it was only a matter of time.“
"I still don’t remember everything, though,“Obi-Wan added, making an obvious effort to be polite to the Get-tro-wen. Opening his shields slightly, Qui-Gon sent a mental pulse of approval and pride through their bond. Obi-Wan jerked, startled for a moment, then sent back a mental smile.
"You’ve still got three or four more injections,“Dr. Ra-sek-mun said.“Remember, it doesn’t all come back at once.“
"I know.“
"Sometimes things will remain hidden for weeks, possibly even months, and then suddenly, you’ll remember. At least, that’s what the other patients said.“
"Were they trivial things, or things that were more important?“Upon hearing his Padawan ask this question, Qui-Gon felt a another surge of pride. It was the first time he’d seen Obi-Wan taking an active interest in the treatment, instead of just going along with that long-suffering look on his face as though he were a prisoner and Qui-Gon his jailer. The boy was definitely making progress!
"Both, as far as I know,“the doctor replied thoughtfully.“They didn’t always tell me what kinds of things they remembered, just the fact that it happened.“
"Oh.“
"Even people who haven’t had amnesia forget things for long periods of time, you know. It’s quite normal that we don’t remember everything all the time. Once the treatment is over, you’ll be just like everybody else. Speaking of which, exactly how many injections have you had?“
"Three.“
"Then we’re halfway through, more or less. Let’s get you down to the infirmary, I’d like to do another brain scan this morning, just for my records.“
"Can’t I eat first?“Obi-Wan glanced mournfully towards the buffet, a familiar expression which never failed to amuse Qui-Gon.
Dr. Ra-sek-mun glanced down at the empty tray in Obi-Wan’s hands, blinked, and looked at the empty one in his own hands.“Oh. Yes. Sorry. My secretary says I’m too single-minded. She’s always sneaking up on me with sandwiches and cups of soup because she says I forget to stop for meals. I will have to look that word up in the dictionary one day. I’m not quite sure what it means.“
He smiled at his own joke, and Obi-Wan took the opportunity to move quickly towards the fruit salad. Coming back by Qui-Gon with his tray piled high, he asked,“Master, may I sit with Bant?“
"Yes, of course, Padawan,“said Qui-Gon, choosing a seat at a different table that afforded him a good view of his apprentice. Dr. Ra-sek-mun followed and sat down across from him. After one comment about how fascinating it was for him to be there and see the way the Jedi used the Force in medicine to accelerate the healing of injuries and illnesses, he lapsed into silence and ate mechanically, his thoughts obviously far away. Sometime after the Get-tro-wen had finished eating, however, he returned suddenly to the here and now, and stood up.“I’ll expect Obi-Wan in the infirmary as soon as he’s done eating.“
"I’ll bring him down,“Qui-Gon replied.