Journal

March 4, 2001 3:30p.m.
*Sigh* the friggen musical is suspose to be this week but it appears that we are in for a lot of snow in effect it might close school on monday and tuesday and we need those days to go over the sound bits and lighting. On a not so different note I wasn't accepted by Stony Brook University so as far as I'm concerned the board of admissions there can sit on the Silence Glaive and turn around 360degrees. I've decided to go to Plattsburg and from what I red about the dorm accomodations I've decided to live in the dorms, I'm sure that I'm going to enjoy my time there, and if I don't I'll simply transfer to a different university. Okay now that that is out of the way I have something else to state. I've realize that my constant lying to my friends and family and in a way to my self has been acting as a kind of slow acting poision, so slowly that I've just come to realize it's effects. When I say lying I don't mean like the kind of lyes that "bad" people tell or such not I'm talking about a different kind of lie that has to do with who I am as a person. I feel that because of my lying to myself for so long I've forsaken a part of me in the process and it's taken me this long just to realixe it. I want to tell everyone the truth but I don't want to take the chance of loosing any of my friends of family over it (delemia), but at the same time I also know that at times I've felt an overwhelming urgr to reveal the truth and always it's been when I've felt truly comfortably and that's only when I'm around the truth that I'm conceling. But I've always been able to prevent my self from allowing those feelings to make me do something I might regret such as telling the truth. But at the same time I know that I CAN'T continue to lie like I've been doing forever and that eventually (not even in the far future probably within 5 years at the most) I WILL wind up telling those who I know and that ask the truth, but until then I guess I'll continue this way and hope now that I've identified the cause of the problem that it won't be as bad as it's been till now. P.H.C. for everyone

March 5, 2001 2:45p.m.
Normally at this time I would be in AP Biology but the reason I'm here at the moment is that school has been closed due to the "snow conditions" that are outside, I'm kinda upset over this because I really wanted school to be open everyday this week for rehersal, but I guess I can see where they are comming from, even though there wasn't even a half an inch on the floor of snow in the morning the weather report said that it should come down hard in the afternoon and some on us simply can't afford that kind of a storn i.e. me since I walk to anf from school everyday and that alone in normal conditions takes me about 25mins to 30mins. I would take the buss but once you miss it you have to wait aobut another 25mins for it to show, and that's during rush hour (damn suburbs) so that would be a total bitch to walk through a snow storm. On a different note I'll be going to Spain in April and I want my body to be at absolute perfection by that time. Don't get me wrong I'm im good shape but none the less it wouldn't hurt to atain absolute perfection especially for this nice break but it's going to be a bitch to accomplish. For those of you who know me you know that usually I eat horriable abounts of food and yet don't get any bigger but if I stop eating meat for a week then I instantly loose nine pounds (love that metabolism) but I'm going to need some help to do this because I simply can't help myself sometimes:-), my friends at school can help me but only so far, so I'm going to have to find some way to accomplish this, I only hope that I can reach my goal. P.H.C for everyone.

Feburary 17, 2001 10:22p.m.
Oh joy I'm now on vacation but as I stare at this white screen (will change the color to blue) I'm thinking to myself that the year is more than 50% completed and I'm going to college in the fall but what about my life. In certain aspects I've grown, I'm not as stone like as I used to be (was never that way with my friends just with everyone else including my parents who both love me) but at the same time I still see that I am cold in certain respects. For example I don't know what it feels like to be so sad that it causes a person to cry. I know that some people would love it if they didn't feel what that kind of pain is like but for me I would like to know what it's like, to experience the feel of such sadness that I would cry. Without that feeling I feel as though I am incomplete. Without knowing what it feels like I've decided not to get into a relationship (except friendship) with anyone because is it really fair to the other if I can only feel the positive aspects but not alos feel the hurt that can come along with it. Hopefully someday I'll be able to feel such saddness but until then I can't afford to go with someone only to have it that hey are the only one who can feel the hurt in the relationship. Right now I'm trying to think of whatelse I want to say but I'm at a blank, even though I know that there is more for me to say. I'll close this for now but I'll have a follow up to it soon enough. P.H.C. for everyone.

Feburary 25, 2001 3:00p.m.
I've applied to only 3 colleges so far (Plattsburge University, Brockport University, and Stony Brook University) So far I've only recieved acceptance letters from the first 2, I'm still hoping that I get into Stony Brook mostly because I would still be living in Long Island instead of having to move to upstate NY. This is the last day of my vacation week, the next time that I get another week off I'll be in Spain trying to brush up on my spanish. Where ever I decide to go I'm certain of one thing and that is that I'll be living on campus, the mere thought of commuting is just so *ugh*. Well that's it for now, P.H.C. for everyone.

March 5, 2001 10:41p.m.
I was watching Queer As Folk yesterday (it comes on at 10p.m.showtime) and as I was watching it I felt something weird it literally lasted no more than a second but (I distincvly remember it because it was something I wasn't used to feeling), it was a feeling of wanting to cry, then it hit me OMG this if just seeing such a show could activate feelings within me I didn't even know I had anymore then imagine what would happen if I was honest with everyone, just imagine the release of emotion from that, from also being around others that understand how I've had to live my whole life in a giant general lie. I really wish I didn't have to put up with this crap but unfortunately I can't take certain chances at the moment such as risk loosing college tuition when I leave or being kicked out of the house before H.S. senior year is completed. I love my folks but I don't entirely trust their judgement. Oh GOD I wish I had someone here that could relate to how I feel about this it's just so damn confusing and I'm used to having my priorties in order so this is kind of new having the recently felt emotions take an effect on the way I'm feeling so strongly. I wish that I wasn't so alone here but at the same time I know that because I don't have one who can relate to how I feel that I'm not truly feeling the lonelyness that I should be feeling. I knopw that this sounds utterly confusing just to read but for me it's just as confusing to feel if not even more frustrating. If anyone can probably help me with this please contact me via E-mail or ICQ or AIM. P.H.C. for everyone.

March 6, 2001 9:51p.m.
I just came from a big argument with my dad and I know that he is pissed like hell and I havt to say that for that I feel so damn happy. For the first time ever in an argument with him I was the one leaving the most calm, infact I was totally calm and I think that only pissed him off even more. I know that he was hurt by the things that were said but none the less it was necessary since when he is emotional there is no way to talk to him, at least between the two of us. I can honestly say that this was the first time that I'm leaving an argument from him and I can honestly say that we fixed something that would have been a problem in the long run. I know he's hurt but his pain was needed to fix the problems between the two of us. Don't get me wrong I love him and I totally respect him (even though I would never tell him in his face that I respect him) but he can be a total pain in the ass sometimes. Well that's it for now P.H.C. for everyone.