Journal

Monday December 3, 2001 11:07p.m.
Ughhhhhhh. Look in side yourself and tell me what you see. Do you see yourself or another person, one that you don't like. If you don't like that person what do you plan to do about it. would you try to change the person, leave it alone, or just kill it the fuck off. The Shadow Temple has been erected to stand for the negative side of human nature. It holds the bloddy history of the world and the negative emotions of all of the world through the eons. The darkness within it is a welcome blanket that shrouds all light. The symbol for such dispear is that of an inverted dark cresant moon. the moon of the Shadow Temple, the symbol of the Negamoon Royal family. Anti-Life is the chant of the shadow temple, the oath of the Negamoon. Within the heart of the negamoon is a hart of sadness and the sadness is shrouded in dispear the likes of which would kill any normal human being. Death is like the ultimate escape from such negativity, but the members of the NegaMoon family are those concieved of such emotions, interwoven in their DNA or what ever their "genetic code" is. Instead of a sperm and an egg they are concieved using teh seeds on negativity, dispear, loniness, depression, hate, self-loathing and an emptynessm sort of lack of emotions that consume all of the emotions, filling the individual with a hollowness that consumes all and can NEVER be filled. *part of this site will be constructed into the SHADOW TEMPLE, the NEGAMOON ROYAL FAMILY shall be recognized*. P.H.C. for everyone.

Saturday December 8, 2001 1:42a.m.
I am neither sad or happy, I just am. I'm still trying to decide to make that part of the shadow temple or just leave it as a journal entry. I was soooooooooooo wasted thursday that it's not EVEN funny. I don't know how it could have gotten sooo bad but it did. I can just see the look on ym parents face when the insurance bill arrives saying that I was put away for intoxication. I'm soooo gonna regret this, oh well it's happened so that's that. Death Ribbon Revolution. Ughhhhhh I'm soooo FUCKING HUNGRY, I MUST feed!!!!!!. but it's like ionly a chocolate muffin here and I'm just not hungry for that. I NEED meat. FEED ME MOFOS. It's sooooo not fair I just want something to eat and someone to love (or to at the very least be able to know what love or grievance feels like) is that toooooo much to ask?!?!?! P.H.C. for everyone.

Wednesday December 19, 2001 2:58p.m.
Can I get a NegaJa, I'm still at the university, I had to go back to my room to retrive a coupple of things b4 I left. I'm kinda glad that I DID stay behind, there was this drag show at backstreet and I have to say that it simply rocked. I loved it. But still I can't wait to get home. I'll have soooo much money for christmas. I know it's the time of year to give give give (and that OK a slong as you are just giving to me me me hehe) I don't know what it is but this town is just SO DAMN BRIGHT. I mean really, do you NEED ALL of that sunlight in your eye. Wow I just realized that I was soooo hungry tha tit isn't EVEN funny. I'm gonna have to find something to ea in this place, but WHAT i don't know. Well I'm off, so much to do, so little time. Apart from money there waas only one other thing that I wanted for christmas and that was the MOON SCEPTER and I got it on Friday, right after my bio final. I'm sooooooooo happy that it's like not EVEN funny. Laterz all P.H.C. forever.

Thursday December 27, 2001 3:23a.m.
WoW. Just like 4 or 5 years ago the very CONCEPT of experiencing certain feelings totoally eluded me. But as of recent I feel a shadow of the feling of crying. I used to have them but a shadow of, and they always lasted for less than a sec. they were rare and in between. Now I have the feeling far more often and that makes it MUCH worse. I can only experience a shadow of the feeling of the urge to cry and that's all that it is, but a shadow and not the whole thing. If there is such a thing as past lives then I must ahve done something reeealy fucked up in a past one to be punished in such a way. I'm no saint that's for damn sure, but I've also realized some years ago that no matter what I AM a good person. Granted I can't feel like other people, but still I am a good person at teh center of my being, it's part of my nature. But at the same time i know that if I do do something bad that I won't feel actual guilt over it. I can fake it but I con't feel the guilt over it or remorse. That's why I usually try not to do things that I know I won't regret later on. If I do do them then I'll be like oh well it's done can't change fates and jus tmove on as though nothing has ever happened. I was thinking and have also realized that I have no dreams or ambitions what so ever that I can think of. Is that what my life is to be, one lacking feelings and ambition?!?! What kind of a life is that, to be denied that which all individuals ahve access to, a full range of emtions? Even the porest person in the porest country has at the very least that, yet I am denied accass to such a thing. I wonder what FUCKED UP thing I did in that past life to deserve this. Oh well, what are dreams except that which we are made of. I don't fear death but that's b/c I just don't really have a passion for life. What I do fear is aging. The very concept is just soooooo ugh to me. I'm not the best with the conveyance of the emotion so if this is confusing at points you'll just have to forgive me. Well all I've used up most of my energy so I'm off. Laterz my mofos. P.H.C. forever.

Friday December 28, 2001 7:09p.m.
Aw man, I miss my T sooo much, I can't wait to se him again next semester. How weird, one such as myself am missing someone in such a way. I KNOW I don't love him, but if it was possible I would try my hardest to make it so that's the case. I don't know why I'm sooo drawn to him, I haven't EVEN made a move to sllep with him. Perhaps it's possible that this is close to the real thing. To actually do more than like someone. To actually LOVE that person would be SUCH a big accomplishment for me it's like not EVEN funny. I would like to love him but I just can't *for those that haven't read my previous entries then FYI it's not my choice that I don't love him, it just is that way*. I've been thinking of him just about every day it's just so weird. For one such sa my self this is against teh norm *for a normal person this IS the norm* yet I still am doing it. As I get older I seem to become more normal in the emotional sense *yet stil far from it*, things I would have thought to be of no significance in life whatsoever now are things I long for. I remember thinking to myself that if I were ever to develops such feelings or want them then I should go through time and kill off that version of myself, that's how much the very idea of not experiencing certain feelings was just soooo natural for me. Now I want those feelings, I have a right to them, but apparently I am denied them. Perhaps it's just a neural chemical imbalance, who knows, but whatever the case I just want to have the same things that any normal person has total access to. I've made a slight discovery about this whole thing as well. Apparently the lack of emotions makes a person somewhat unstable, they might not care about their own life as much as a normal person does. Sucks for me doesn't it LoL, oh well look at it this way, I have no intention of taking my life that's for sure, and I'll leave it at that:-) Hey if you want clarifaction then just IM me: Diamando Senshi. Well I'm outi, NEHELENIA my mofos. P.H.C. forever.