Late Breaking News from the JAM News Desk
AAP Blairgowrie 22 February, 2002
In an unprecedented turn of events, JAM News has been contacted by the elusive golfing hermit Sam Mackie. Mr Mackie, recently lambasted for his low profile preparation for this years JAM, has emerged from his secret training camp deep in the tea tree forests of Blairgowrie to insist on his right of reply. He spoke exclusively to our reporter.
Open letter from Sam Mackie:
Once again Jamie - if I can't see 'em I don't trust 'em - Abbott has exhaled an Alpine induced distraction. Applying a technique Peter Reith has described as "Bloody brilliant. Get him to give me a ring on my mobile, just don't expect a clear line." Abbott has attempted to divert attention from his own golfing regime by asking "Yeah, but what about the other guys?". "Forget Afghanistan", the cropped BP man advises his military mates, "You should be worrying about Norway and Equatorial Guinea." Garbage. Abbott is a bin laden with golfing talent and he's ready to trash the JAM. Gibbons and Mackie are just quietly going about their business. They know that practice for them is anachronistic. They rely on the karma that comes from little sleep, a lot of red wine, brutal card-play and a few mashy niblicks on the verdent pastures that snuggle the Murray. I wait. I drink. I swing.
Meanwhile, I've got to go and hide.
Sam - who's the quiet achiever? � Mackie
The Invisible Sam
AAP Blairgowrie, 22 February, 2002
Dual JAM winner Sam Mackie has been keeping a low profile. So low in fact that JAM CEO James - FORE!! - Abbott had to again engage the services of Dowee Cheatham & Howe to find the elusive Mackie.
"Fair dinkum, Dodo's are easier to find"
When Abbott was reminded that the Dodo was in fact extinct he replied, "See!"
"I mean this guy is sleeping at an undisclosed residence somewhere in northern Victoria during the JAM. He has not participated in the customary email vitriol, he is sleazing around on some half-arsed reciprocal rights thingo during the JAM, c'mon, give me a break".
Mackie was unavailable for comment. Like we could find him!!
JAM Member Finds the Light
AAP Sydney, 21 February, 2002
JAM contender and regular PRAM rouster Simon Gibbons has been putting in some late night practice as he prepares for his tilt at title number three.
PRAM CEO James - can't hit a fairway - Abbott sought the help of Sydney investigation firm Dowee Cheatham & Howe to keep an eye on the harbour side dweller. DCH employee Mic (not his real name) contacted Abbott, who was shocked & appalled by the investigators findings.
"What we have here", said Abbott via satellite, " Is a pithy attempt to keep other JAM members in the dark. I mean, really taping a Maglite to your ponce and traipsing around the public golf courses of Sydney in the wee hours of the morning is damn sneaky and underhand and most certainly not in the spirit of the JAM"
Gibbons was not available for comment due to a commitment he had with a local GP after sustaining twelve-volt burns to his head. His house mate, who took Gibbons to hospital after the visit to the GP, confirmed the injury was the result of not removing the Maglite before entering the shower.
SILENCE OF THE SAMS
AAP Melbourne, 6 February, 2002
JAM cruiser &�I'll do whatever you want to do� easy rider, Sam Mackie, has played a very low profile bat over past weeks. Rumour has it that he plays 14 holes like a single figure handicapper at his seaside abode, Portsea, then somehow develops a slice that defies Newton's laws of physics over the last 4 holes and manages to come home right on handicap.
"I've never seen anything like it�, a local member said. �He hits it so clean, then from out of nowhere he begins to thin it, slice it, scuttle it along the ground. It must be so frustrating for him�, said the totally clueless sea salt.
Mackie was unavailable for comment, how unusual.
JAWI Result Harpoons Gibbons' Handicap Aspirations
AAP Melbourne, 31 January, 2002
JAM hopeful and resident bitcher & moaner Simon Gibbons, has met his first hurdle in his application of a handicap of 100 for JAM 2002. Gibbons was unavailable for comment last night, but sources close to the malevolent Sidney-Sider say he is sharpening the knives. JAM name sake, James Abbott, was very matter-o-fact regarding the appeal. �He was leader on day 1 of the JAWI and finished second behind Sam Mackie. That tells me his handicap is sitting where it should be", commented the master handicapper.
JAM Man in a Jam.
AAP, Melbourne, January 30, 2002.
JAM namesake and PRAM supremo James Abbott was taken into custody today amid allegations of foul play with the Woomera selection process. A number of the hunger striking detainees mumbled foul, as their lips were sewn together and therefore unable to debate their right to a release. It has been alleged by the detainees that Abbott raised the issue of �greasing his palm� to the hungry lot who promptly showered Abbott with olive oil they had smuggled from their native land. Outraged by the attack Abbott was over heard when saying to his entourage �No amount of moolah can save them from Joseph Stalin Ruddoch now".
The Prime Minister, when asked by reporters whether Abbott's actions were representative of the government, replied �AAAAAAbottsolutely"
Abbott was later released on bail and ordered to go easy on PRAM members this year. When asked his response to the pending legal proceedings he replied �Who does the judge think he is? Has he ever been to a PRAM? It's hell I tell you Hell!!".
NEW RULES FOR ASYLUM SEEKERS
AAP, 30 January 2002.
Anti-immigration Minister, Mr Philip Ruddock, said today that processing of asylum seeker claims for refugee status would now be based on a handicap system developed by JAM golf tournament organisers in Melbourne.
Mr Ruddock said that his independent advisory committee had �scoured the globe� for a fair and efficient system for processing claims, but had come up with nothing. �In the absence of any better system, asylum seekers will now have their claims processed at a PRAM according to the hard-but-fair rules of the JAM match committee", Mr Ruddock said in a press statement earlier today.
JAM founder Mr James Abbott outlined the new system to a throng of media representatives at this afternoon's press conference. �In this case, a successful refugee would be the base, and a handicap system would be established to see how long all the others spend behind razor wire before being shipped off to the south pacific", explained Mr Abbott. �The strength of claims will depend on how loud the asylum seeker yells.� Mr Abbott bristled when a journalist suggested this was a somewhat arbitrary scheme. �Official minutes ensure quality and continuous improvement from PRAM to PRAM", retorted Mr Abbott. When asked if appeals were allowed, Mr Abbott said that the system was fool-proof. �All the bleating in the world hasn't allowed that scum-bag Gibbons to come within a bull's roar of claiming the mug for years", he said.
However, the much vaunted PRAM came under fire from within when two-time JAM champion Mr Simon Gibbons was contacted in Sydney. �What a lorry load of goat's poo", he said. �Trying to get a fair hearing at one of those things is like finding a razor in Kabul before the yanks arrived", claimed the angry ex-winner. When asked if it was a reasonable method for determining refugee status Mr Gibbons said, �Abbott is about as objective as a Taliban lynch-mob. You can yell as loud as you want but the f*cker just won't budge."
Responding to criticism that the system was �basically a barney over a few bottles of cheap red", JAM organiser Mic Avery said that it was far more sophisticated than that. �Fair suck o' the sav, Jamie brought a spreadsheet last year!", he said.
Another member of the JAM committee said that it was probably more humane than the existing system but refused to be named in case his employers found out he took a sickie to compete in the tournament.
A spokeswoman for the shadow Immigration minister distanced herself from the new system. �Who are these clowns?", she said.
JAM #8 - Murray Downs - 2001
JAM #7 - The Dunes/Cape Shank - 2000
JAM #6 - Tocumwal - 1999