Late Breaking News from the JAM News Desk
9th February 2001, Melbourne
James Abbott, Master Handicapper, has rocked the JAM with allegations of PRAM rorting and Handicap fixing. He claims that, in an effort to increase the JAM's renowned reputaion for fairness, he has, as Sam Mackie was quoted as saying, "sacrific(ed)...much of his own (or was that BP's?) time towards quantifying (I'm not sure I actually know the meaning of this word) our golf."
In response, Simon Gibbons, travel writer and raconteur, was quoted as saying
"Jamie took my scores from Tocumwal and the Dunes. These are my BEST rounds in the last year or so. BIAS. Jamie has his handicap worked out from cards he turns in at ... Green Acres. This is a place where the rules of golf apply, I assume, and not the JAM rules. My cards (and Mic's) have artificially lower scores because of mulligans, reverse mulligans, and a general disrespect for the golfing fascism that sullies our otherwise magnificent sport. Therefore, my handicap is artificially lowered relative to Abbott's. BIAS."
Mr Abbott was unavailable for comment
full report
GIBBONS SLINGS GAUNTLET, PREPARES THE FIRES OF HEAVEN
17th January 2001, Melbourne
Simon's back and ready to take on the unenlightened, having returned from sabbatical forming a new relationship between mind and body - a kind of sporting Zen achieved through a strict diet of Turkish coffee and baklava, and countless games of backgammon in the tea houses of Istanbul. This arduous regime of sipping, chewing and rolling of dice puts the student into a caffeine and sugar torpor, thus allowing him to focus every fibre of muscle on the simple yet demanding task of tossing two small plastic squares across a wine-stained playing board. The harmonious aim is to produce doubles when required by fusion of body and mind.
Once Zen is achieved, the student is encouraged to extend the model beyond the comfort of these tightly controlled training facilities to more challenging locations, such as the rear of a Bosphorous ferry. Remnants of Turkish delight and sweet biscuits must be transferred from hand to the mouths of sea gulls with no outside assistance. Here discipline is enforced via the appalling flavour of Turkish biscuits, and physical training is more rigorous due to the subtle movement of the deck underfoot.
Now considered on a higher plane, the Zen-master is free to apply his new skills to any intellectual problem or physical competition. Especially golf.
Look out, suckers. Beware Simon "spirituality-with-syrup" Gibbons. Zen Master, Travel Diarist, Tosser.
TWO SPECIAL MOMENTS FOR MACKIE
12th January 2001, Melbourne
2000 holder Mackie has two reasons to smile. In the wee hours of Friday 5 January he became the proud father of Charlotte Rose. Mum and bub are doing fine. Mackie privately declared how nervous he has been over the past week with the impending birth of his daughter and his meeting with the Portsea elite to go over the finer details of his membership to one of Australia's more elite golf clubs.
"The meeting went well, I'm in. This is the proudest moment of my life" replied Mackie.
When pressed as to why the birth of his daughter is not the proudest moment he terminated the interview.
JAM 2001 DATES ANNOUNCED
11th January 2001, Melbourne.
James Abbott announced today interim dates for the 2001 JAM to be held at Murray Downs. Friday April 20th to Sunday April 22nd have been touted as the likely school holidays for this years extravaganza
Well its that time of the year......
JAM 2001. Live on FOX Sports.
(School Hols April)
Leave Melb Thurs evening 19 April
Stay at Lady Augusta 4km from course (Can't get on course accom)
Friday 20 April tee off 11.30am
Saturday 21 April tee off 11.56am
Sunday 22 April tee off 10.28am
Room is 1 double three singles $145 per night NO MEALS Inc
Golf is $30.00 per person per round.
JAM #7 - The Dunes/Cape Shank - 2000
JAM #6 - Tocumwal - 1999