Oh yes, I�m a fighter; but so often it seems
I�m trying to battle my way out of a prison.
Seeing enough through the �bars� to envision
Where I came from and where I want to be
Just waiting and hoping for a parole
A pardon to return to real life.
I don�t remain idle and pitiful in my prison,
But attempt to bring about something familiar
In spite of persecutors and would-be jailers
Their ideas formed in misinformation
Trying to find my place in some normalcy
Though despising the limitations it sets
So, please don�t pity me; I am not pitiful
Not �babying� me; I�m not a child
Offer help; I may need assistance
But don�t force it when I do not
I�m only a person, just like you are
Re-experiencing a life which I nearly forgot
And so the main jailer remains my emotions
The insecurities, fears, and anxieties that confine
Obstructing my vision to the many possibilities
Producing intermittent degrees of hopelessness.
With frustration producing wild emotions
And emotions bring it �round again to frustration
Seizures cause emotions to malfunction and fail
And lack of emotional control brings on seizures
So the insanity is now well underway.
The fear of seizuring in any given situation
May be enough to produce the very anxiety
Triggering the onset of the seizures I dread
Tears well up and flow freely
Though it�s far from my desire
To be viewed as such a child
One with no command over the soul
My intention to be seen as competent
Is not at all what I am able to present
Yet there exists no one to forgive
Cannot point to this one or that one
Not even to any certain event
his agony brought about by no one
But a brain which misfires instead
And around and around goes this cycle
At times it grabs hold and engulfs me
�It�s not your fault� is of little reassurance
When my brain and body are out of control
Fault or not, it denies my will and choices
Knowing not when or where it will happen again
Staying focused on what�s visible from this prison
Reaching through the bars to hang on to what�s real
Accepting words and assistance from encouragers
Realizing that not all are rejecting of my differences
My not wanting to flee when all is not as I�d hoped
But in doing what I can to make the most of what is
Somewhere exist the keys to this prison
Whether physically I�m healed or am not
Only I can determine the worth that I have
And if life as it is can be all that I need
So I must dig deep in my soul for acceptance
Unlocking these doors that so long have confined
The biggest realities are most difficult to face
One denominator that I myself must direct
That of choosing how to react to this dilemma
In managing both inner and outer conflicts
Taking ownership of my reactions and feelings
Deciding for myself that I�m okay as I am!
S. R. --- July 16, 1999
There�s a person in here!
A true individual
I think. I feel
I�m quite functional
I experience pain
Both in body and heart
Please don�t discount me
If we simply don�t agree
Asking my opinion
Or my preferences
Often to criticize
And just pass them off
I am not some fool
Nor total idiot
I�ve much to share
You might benefit
Not everything you do
Is the better way
Nor choices made by you
The only route to take
Was it God�s intent
When He said �submit�
That I should lose myself
To surrender or quit?
When He said �Be one�
It�s for a mutual bond
Not that I disappear
So �your� will be done
There is a person in here
With rights and dignities
Individual in all aspects
Entitled to your respect
I once knew how to cook
And likely still know how
Really, what's the sense
You�ll only put it down
Met with groans and sneers
Who are you to say
If God might not just cheer
Your manners are crude
But I should tolerate
If I dare say a word
You may become irate
There is a person in here
Whose pain has grown intense
Do you attempt to hear
It is not I who�s dense
For all you�ve been forgiven
Can you appreciate
This life I�m living now
I�ve begun to hate
Thoughts and dreams suppressed
I�m trying to save myself
From being lost and depressed
In this insatiable mess
I�m not quite able to tell
If you can comprehend
This unbelievable hell
That is sucking us in
There�s a person in here
Who wants for something more
And believe in my heart
That together we could soar
There�s a person in here
Won�t you look and see
There�s someone who loves you
Can you please love me
S.R. ---- July 17, 1999
I refuse to be defeated
By circumstances or inner strife
Everything is really relative
In the whole scope of my life
I refuse to allow my emotions
To consume me deep inside
Having momentary significance
But in them I�ll not abide
I refuse my body�s insistence
Any right to ultimate control
Though symptoms may wreak havoc
That�s not the entirety of my soul
I refuse to permit other people
To invade what I believe
The majority know me too little
To even begin to conceive
His attempts to bring me down
I�m a child of God, Almighty
Through Jesus I share the crown
I refuse to remain pathetic
My God I do entreat
Lift me to you, Oh Father
And keep me from defeat
I refuse Not my Father in heaven
Who has lifted me up above
With a peace beyond understanding
Securely in His perfect Love.
S.R. ---- July 19, 1999
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