Jac’Kee : Errmmm… so guys… how was last night?
Shi’Iana : Fabulous! Simply great! I mean, it was fantastic last night! Laguna was soooo good to me! We went on a gondola ride, didn’t we, Laguna?
Laguna #2 : Errmm… yeah.
D’Brah : And we had such a cozy dinner at the restaurant. Everything was so gorgeous… right, Laguna?
Laguna #1 : Right.
Mell’Esia : Seems like you guys had a pretty cool evening.
Shi’Iana : Yeah. How did YOU guys spend last night?
Sephiroth : WELL….
Jha’Meia : We spent it in the kitchen! We had loads of fun cooking last night! Right guys?
Jac’Kee, Mell’Esia and Sephiroth : Right!
D’Brah : Bet you didn’t have as good a time as me and Shi’Iana did, right?
Jha’Meia : ( drawling tone ) On the contrary. I think we had a better time than you guys. We had such a great dinner! And we still have some of what we cooked last night for today’s breakfast. Wanna try a taste?
D’Brah : Okay.
Sephiroth : ( side murmur to Jha’Meia ) You were always a strange person, but I think… THIS one’s going a bit too far.
Jha’Meia : Ssshhh… it already HAS gone too far.
Jac’Kee : ( goes into kitchen ) Here it is! Some steaks! It’s really good! ( comes out with a few warm plates )
( Everyone begins eating with relish. Jha’Meia, Jac’Kee, Sephiroth and Mell’Esia are looking decidedly nervous as everyone wolfs down the food. )
Vincent : This is really good. Reminds me of the canine cutlets a delicatessen once used to sell. Lucrecia and I used to go there to have lunch… remember?
Lucrecia : Oh, yes.
Vincent and Lucrecia : ( exchange a kiss across the table )
Sephiroth : ( under his breath ) Oh god.
Jha’Meia : Relax. They were praising our cooking.
Jac’Kee : Kindly remember you got double helpings last night.
Sephiroth : Ah, yes. How could I forget?
Mell’Esia : By suddenly becoming yellow.
Sephiroth : Ex-CUSE me?
Mell’Esia : Excused.
Shi’Iana : THIS! Is the best stuff I’ve ever eaten that came out of your kitchen, Jha! What is it?
Jha’Meia : Well… Canine cutlet, as Vincent said.
Vincent : ( raises eyebrow ) Really? Well, it’s not too bad for a first-timer at cooking it.
Jac’Kee : Thanks!
D’Brah : Canine or not, I’m sure Freckles would love to have the leftovers from this!
Shi’Iana : Yeah! By the way, where is Freckles?
Mell’Esia : Errmmm…
Shi’Iana : ( chuckling ) You’re going to tell me you cooked her, right? Geez, c’mon! Where you got her hidden?
Jac’Kee : Shi’Iana, we have bad news and good news.
Shi’Iana : Oh?
Mell’Esia : The bad news is… Freckles is no longer among us… I mean she is - but not quite…
Jha’Meia : She means to say that Freckles…
D’Brah : ( looking alarmed ) Are you saying that a car hit Freckles?
Shi’Iana : ( worried look on her face) Did Freckles try running out again??
Sephiroth : Not really.
D’Brah : Then?
Jac’Kee : Shi’Iana, stay seated for this. Freckles is dead.
Shi’Iana : WHAT?!?
D’Brah : Oh, gods, that’s horrible news!
Vincent : Then what’s the good news?
Sephiroth : Well… the good news is…. ( takes a bite of the meat ) She tastes absolutely delightful! Seriously! You said so yourself!
Shi’Iana : … …. …. ….
D’Brah : ( faints )
Shi’Iana : ( slowly rising to her feet, a clearly furious expression on her face ) No, Jha’Meia… you DID NOT… you DIDN’T… kill off Freckles!
Mell’Esia, Jha’Meia and Jac’Kee : ( pointing at Sephiroth ) It was HIS fault!
Mell’Esia : We were only TALKING about it…
Jac’Kee : Then Sephiroth comes in calm as you please with Freckles’ fur on one shoulder and her dead body on the other!!
Sephiroth : NOW WAIT ONE MOMENT!!! ( points finger at Jha’Meia ) SHE’S THE WRITER!! She’s the one you want!!!
Shi’Iana : MY FRECKLES IS DEAD AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS PASS THE BLAME????
Jha’Meia : Urrmm…. Yeah.
Sephiroth : Not quite a good idea to say that.
Mell’Esia : Jha’Meia…
Jha’Meia : Gods, I never thought of a name like that! Let’s ditch the phrases Freckles Maryland and Freckles Black Pepper. From now on, we call it Canine Cutlet!!
Shi’Iana : ( lets out shriek of righteous fury ) JHA’MEIAAAAAAA!!!!!! ( rushes at Jha’Meia with a magically-induced Buster Sword )
Sephiroth : ( quickly blacks Shi’Iana ) Let’s be calm!!
Shi’Iana : JHAAAAA’MEEEIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! I’LL KILL FOR THAT!! EVEN IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!!!!
Sephiroth : I’ll hold her back, and you run.
Jac’Kee : What an absolute darling you are, Sephy!
Sephiroth : You’re welcome. Geez, Shi’Iana! Calm down, will you???
Shi’Iana : ( trying to twist her wrists out of Sephiroth’s grasp ) HOW COULD YOU KILL MY DOG!!!! I’LL GET YOU!!! JHHAAAAAA’MEEEEIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Vincent and Lucrecia : Oh dear…
Vincent : ( turning to Lucrecia ) Perhaps we shouldn’t interfere.
Lucrecia : Well… I feel kind of symphethetic for Shi’Iana… after all… it was her dog.
Vincent : ( sighs ) I suppose so. But still… Freckles was never quite a nice dog.
Lucrecia : True. She nearly bit me once.
Vincent : She DID WHAT?
Lucrecia : Oh, I was just passing by and she started barking at me.
Vincent : ( chomps viciously on canine cutlet ) Damned dog.
Lucrecia : Vincent!!
Vincent : The dog barked at you! I won’t forgive it!!
Lucrecia : Oh, come on, Freckles is already dead!
Vincent : I wonder how much she likes being bitten.
Shi’Iana : ( arms held by Sephiroth ) JAC’KEE!!! HOW COULD YOU!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND!!! ET TU MELL??? THAT WAS MY DOG!!! WHY ARE YOU ON THAT… THAT KILLER’S SIDE??? JHA’MEIA!!!!
Jha’Meia : ( climbing out of window ) I thought I’d never say this… but having Shi’Iana shrieking her head off is awfully entertaining.
Jac’Kee : Yeah. As fun as sitting down listening to buzzing mosquitoes.
Mell’Esia : Will you hurry up and get down already?? I don’t want that big sword to get at me!
Jac’Kee : Yeah, considering how small you are.
Sephiroth : Hey you guys! Going out already?
Jha’Meia : Going! ( slides out effortlessly )
( All three girls are off and running, leaving a hapless Sephiroth almost at the end of his patience holding back an utterly enraged and madly screaming Shi’Iana )
Sephiroth : Oh, well, I’ve worked off the extra helpings I took last night. I must say, though. Freckles tastes absolutely good with that… what’s it called? Chocobo sambal, I believe Jha’Meia called it.
Shi’Iana : ( swings around to start hitting Sephiroth instead ) YOU HORRIBLE PERSON!! YOU STUPID!!!!! YOU IMBECILE!!! HOW COME YOU’RE ON THEIR SIDE??? YOU’RE WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!! TO THINK I WAS ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST FANS!!!
Sephiroth : I AM special.
Shi’Iana : ( another screech of indignation )
Sephiroth : Bye. ( disappears )
Shi’Iana : WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING??? COWARDS!!!!!
( Some where far away… in a laboratory )
Jha’Meia : Can you?
Hojo : ( being held up by coat lapels by Sephiroth, looking over a dog hair ) I think I can.
Jac’Kee : Make several more, enough for a year’s supply. We’ll give you some, if you like. Freckles tastes great, I’m telling you.
Hojo : ( maddening grin ) Make it triple servings and I’ll make as many Freckles clones as you want!
Mell’Esia : ( beams at Hojo ) You’re SUCH a nice mad scientist!
THE END