Shi’Iana : Where is it? Can you find it?
D’Brah : No!
Shi’Iana : Well, we’ve got to find it before he comes around!
D’Brah : Deadline?
Shi’Iana : Five-thirty!
D’Brah : It’s already four o’clock!
( Jha’Meia comes in )
Jha’Meia : Hey guys.
Shi’Iana : Have you found it??
Jha’Meia : Huh?
D’Brah : C’mon! Tell us where it is!!
Jha’Meia : What?
Shi’Iana : The manipulate materia!!
Jha’Meia : Whatever for?
D’Brah : For distracting Sephiroth? While Aeris is going out? With Irvine? Have you got the idea?
Jha’Meia : Oh… right. Damn. Musta slipped my mind.
( Pause )
Shi’Iana : WELL?!? As the writer, are you planning to set off major fireworks by letting Sephiroth find out??
Sephiroth : ( comes in ) Find out what?
All 3 girls : Oh no…
Sephiroth : Well?
Shi’Iana : Well…
D’Brah : Umm…
Jha’Meia : Hey, check out the time… Five o’clock…
Aeris : ( from upstairs ) Jha!! Have you seen my hair dryer?
Jha’Meia : It’s in your drawer.
Aeris : Thanks! And my headband?
Sephiroth : What for?
Shi’Iana : Oh, didn’t Aeris tell you? She’s, um, going out.
Sephiroth : Going out? Where to?
D’Brah : Tifa’s.
( Behind Sephiroth, Jha’Meia is wincing. )
Sephiroth : 7th Heaven? Aeris doesn’t frequent bars.
Shi’Iana : She’s visiting Tifa. Nothing to worry about.
Jha’Meia : ( slaps forehead )
Sephiroth : Why would I wory? It’s just a visit to her friend’s place. No, wait, 7th Heaven isn’t so good a place. Hmmm… Maybe I ought to go with her.
D’Brah : Aeris can take care of herself.
Sephiroth : No, she can’t. She’s way too innocent and she’s easy prey. What are you thinking?
Jha’Meia : Of the City of the Ancients. I remember one particular event that took plac-
Sephiroth : Shut up.
Jha’Meia : But there’s no need to go with her to watch her. We’re going with her, too.
Sephiroth : No.
Jha’Meia : What?
Shi’Iana and D’Brah : ( look ill )
Sephiroth : Because I want to go out with her.
Shi’Iana : But…
Sephiroth : Be quiet.
( Irvine comes in )
Jha’Meia : Oh god.
Irvine : I got the limo!
Sephiroth : What for?
Shi’Iana : Uh… that’s great.
Irvine : ( still unaware of the danger that’s Sephiroth ) Aeris!
Sephiroth : Aeris?
Irvine : Gotta hot date with her! Tonight! ( dances little jig of exuberance )
D’Brah : ( Lets out rare curse )
Sephiroth : You’re… going out… with Aeris?
Irvine : Wooohooo!
Jha’Meia : Hold him back!!
Sephiroth : ( pulls out masamune and advances on Irvine ) You are NOT going OUT with AERIS. Not now, not ever.
Shi’Iana : Oh god oh god oh god. ( Grabs one of Sephiroth’s arms )
Jha’Meia : ( grabs Sephiroth’s other arm )
Sephiroth : LET ME GO! I’LL KILL HIM!
D’Brah : ( Snatches masamune from Sephiroth )
Irvine : My, aren’t we in a swell dandy mood this evening.
( DING DONG )
Jha’Meia : Now what?
Irvine : I’ll answer it. ( goes to the door ) Oh!
Shi’Iana : Oh, what?
Irvine : It’s… the Sorceror Hunters, is it? Have I got that right?
Tira Misu : Yeah. Hi, everyone!
Jha’Meia : Ggggnnnnn don’t move so much Seph! Hi, Tira, Chocolate, Marron and Dotta.
Sephiroth : I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!
Chocolate : Who?
Irvine : I’m going out with Aeris!
Marron : Wonderful! Aeris is such a lovely person!
Dotta : I wish I’d met her.
Shi’Iana : Where’s Gateau?
Tira : Making sure Carrot stays out of trouble. Is Reno here?
D’Brah : Missed him, did you?
Chocolate : Looks like you need help. ( transforms into her real self ) Let’s see if we can get this one tied up?
Jha’Meia : Please.
Chocolate : ( leaps into the air and throws her barbed garrote which winds itself around Sephiroth ) Hy-yaaa! There. ( tips policeman cap )
Shi’Iana : Thank you! ( sighs gratefully ) How long will that last?
Chocolate : Oh, maybe the rest of the evening and a good part of the night. Is it that bad?
Jha’Meia and Shi’Iana : ( rubbing sore muscles on arms ) WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Chocolate : Mmm ( looks at Sephiroth appreciatively ) I can see.
D’Brah : Someone’s gotta keep her mind out of the gutter.
Chocolate : Whatever.
Tira : Reno’s not here?
D’Brah : Nope.
Tira : ( sighs )
( Vincent and Lucrecia come down the stairs )
Lucrecia : Okay now. What’s going on?
Shi’Iana : Aeris is going out with Irvine.
Lucrecia : That doesn’t explain what my son is doing on the floor tied up.
D’Brah : He thinks he owns Aeris.
Jha’Meia : And nearly got Irvine, too. What’re you guys doing downstiars?
Vincent : Lucrecia wants some juice.
Jha’Meia : Gets cold huh?
Aeris : I’m ready!! ( comes bouncing down the stairs in a pinkish-white dress. Her hair is braided with white materia beads )
Irvine : Aeris, you look gorgeous. Will you marry me?
Jha’Meia : Oh god.
Dotta : Oh my!
Marron : Aeris!
Aeris : Marron! ( hugs Marron )
Marron : This is Dotta. Dotta, this is Aeris.
Aeris : Hello! I’m sorry I can’t stay to chat!
Dotta : That’s okay! You have a nice time!
( BEEP BEEP! )
Irvine : That’s the limo! Come on Aeris! ( opens doors for Aeris )
Aeris : ( takes Irvine’s arm )
Irvine : We’re going to have the grandest time!
Jha’Meia : Bye you two! Have fun!
Everyone else : Bye! Bye!
Lucrecia : Have I met these people?
Jha’Meia : You wouldn’t remember. At the New Year do, Vincent whisked you away before I could make introductions.
D’Brah : ( side murmur to Shi’Iana ) Don’t you wonder what they were doing.
Shi’Iana : ( nods sagely in agreement )
Jha’Meia : This is Chocolate and Tira Misu, and this is Marron Glace and Dotta. Marron’s elder brother is being baby-sat by their other friend, Gateau. Guys, this is Lucrecia, Sephiroth’s mother.
Chocolate : Sephiroth’s mother? Pleased to meet you, ma’am!
Jha’Meia : What are you guys doing here?
Tira : Dropping by for a visit.
Chocolate : I thought you wanted to see if Reno was here.
Tira : Ohne-sama!
Marron : Dotta wanted to meet you guys, so I promised her I’d bring her here.
Dotta : ( beams ) It’s so nice to have good help!
Shi’Iana : You two together or something?
Marron : Errmmm…. Well…
D’Brah : I never thought I’d ever see a pinch of colour on that white face!!
Dotta : ( giggles and hugs Marron )
Lucrecia : Oh well, it’s been a pleasure meeting all of you, but Vincent and I really have to get going now.
Jha’Meia : Yeah. Their bed needs at least five minutes to get warm.
Vincent : Jha’Meia… ….
Jha’Meia : Shutting up.
Tira : Later, then!
Shi’Iana : Where’s Laguna?
Jha’Meia : Out. He’s having fun being in two places at one time.
Chocolate : ( makes herself comfortable on the sofa ) Well then! Shall I let him go now? ( nods towards Sephiroth )
D’Brah : Largely depends. Can you tell whether his temper is merely simmering or absent?
Chocolate : ( gets back her garrote )
Sephiroth : ( rises to his feet ) OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING LETTING AERIS GO OUT WITH THAT…. THAT…..
Shi’Iana : Stuff. You’re jealous!
D’Brah : The emotionless Sephiroth! Jealous! Fabulous!
Sephiroth : I’m not jealous.
Jha’Meia : Sure you are. By the way, Tira… I um… got Reno’s phone number on my fridge door.
( foom! )
Shi’Iana : Wow, that was quick.
Chocolate : ( pats seat next to her ) Come on, Sephiroth. Let’s see what you’re feeling at Aeris leaving, shall we?
Sephiroth : ( glares at Jha’Meia, Shi’Iana and D’Brah, but plonks himself on the seat anyway )
Shi’Iana : What?
Sephiroth : ( sounds hurt ) You said that Aeris and I make a good couple.
D’Brah : We did. But anybody and Aeris makes a good couple.
Sephiroth : Oh - kay. ( pulls out masamune )
Chocolate : Come now, Sephiroth, let’s not get violent in this, shall we, hmmm? Put the sword down and let’s talk this over.
Jha’Meia : ( lets out breath ) Yeah, Seph. Maybe you ought to take a leaf from Aeris and try dating other people, too.
Sephiroth : What?
D’Brah : It’s actually not so bad an idea. I mean, you’ve never really dated anyone before Aeris, right?
Sephiroth : I don’t see how that has anything to do with this.
Shi’Iana : Lots. I mean… think of all the experience with ladies you could chalk up.
Jha’Meia : Yeah, and to thi-
( DING DONG! )
Shi’Iana : What now??
Tira : It must be Reno! It must be Reno! ( runs to the door )
Reno : Hi babe! Came as soon as I could!
Tira : RENO!!
D’Brah : Oh god.
Reno : So what’s going on here?
Jha’Meia : Aeris went out with Irvine.
Reno : ( jaw drops ) You mean… she was available and you didn’t tell me?
Shi’Iana : Tira’s available.
Reno : Oh. Right. ( smiles ) Anything else?
D’Brah : We’re trying to get Sephiroth to think of alternatives to dating just Aeris.
Reno : WHOA. This I gotta hear.
Jha’Meia : Have a seat.
Reno : Soooo what’s up? What other chicks are there? Have you considered Elena?
Shi’Iana : Elena’s enamoured with Tseng, remember?
Reno : Oh… yeah. Sorry. I know! How about Tifa?
D’Brah : Tifa hates his guts.
Reno : Yuffie? Nah, not Yuffie. She’s too young. And annoying. Anyone else?
Shi’Iana : Thinking along the lines of Selphie.
Reno : I think I met her before! Weird hair, right? Cute, though. She’s got potential!
D’Brah : Uurrmmm… we’re talking about Sephiroth here, man, not courting your own sick wants.
Reno : Damn. Okay. Anyone else?
Shi’Iana : Rinoa.
Jha’Meia : Chuckle chuckle. She’s unavailable.
D’Brah : Quistis!
Shi’Iana : She didn’t like Irvine.
D’Brah : But she’s too serious. Darn.
Sephiroth : ( turns to Chocolate ) This is getting tedious.
Chocolate : Why don’t you take the matter into your own hands then?
Sephiroth : Good idea. Wanna go out with me and catch a burger?
Chocolate : Sure.
Shi’Iana : Definitely not! Selphie could never fit with a guy like Sephiroth!
Jha’Meia : I’m telling you, Sephiroth’s case is too delicate! We’ll never find the right gal for him to date!!
Reno : I still say Elena’s not that unavailable!
Dotta : Marron, dear, where’s Chocolate?
Marron : Come to think of it, where’s Sephiroth?
Tira : Hey, guys! The problem just took care of itself.
Everyone : … … …. …
Reno : Cool. ( turns to Tira ) So… wanna go out for a drink?