Jha’Meia : Remind me never to use the term ‘breed like rabbits’ again. ‘Mice’, I think, is a more appropriate word.
Shi’Iana : Uh - huh.
Vincent : Who let the mice go, Laguna?
Laguna : ( battling mice which are scampering all over him frantically ) HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I’D KNOW??? WILL YOU JUST HELP ME???
Irvine : ( sobbing ) My hat… it’s completely ruined… ( hugs hat to him and ignores mice nearly engulfing him )
Jha’Meia : Come on, Irvine! Free yourself!
( No one dares step into the hall now… there are too many mice, the entire floor is covered with mice, everywhere there are mice, scampering, crawling, like maggots… )
D’Brah : How the heck did they breed so fast??
Shi’Iana : Hojo?
Hojo : ( standing in kitchen doorway where there are less mice ) Mua hah hah!! Go, my little babies, and rule!!
Everyone : … … …
Jha’Meia : Professor Hojo, Head of Shin-ra Science Department is now an official member of the peanut gallery.
Shi’Iana : PEANUT? You mean NUTBAG!
Lucrecia : Why are you doing this??
Hojo : Well… I dunno, my dear, I guess because it’s fun.
Jha’Meia : Will you just stop it, godammit??
Hojo : Nothing can stop me now!! Mua hahahha!
Vincent : ( takes out Death Penalty ) Yeah, sure. ( shoots )
Hojo : Argh! That was my good eye!!
D’Brah : Nice shooting, Vincent!
Laguna : HALP!!
( Both FF VIII characters resemble writhing masses. The mice are all over them so! )
Sephiroth : So… anyone willing to take on this giant horde of mice?
Jha’Meia : Seph! Just call meteor on ‘em!!
Sephiroth : Meteor?
Shi’Iana : Meteor??
Sephiroth : Meteor’ll destroy the entire house!!
Jha’Meia : It’s our last hope! The hordes of mice are too great for us to destroy!
D’Brah : Waxing melodrama?
Jha’Meia : Not funny?
Shi’Iana : Hah hah hah! You were just joking, weren’t you, Jha?
Jha’Meia : Actually, no.
Everyone : … … …
Sephiroth : Well, if I’m going to call Meteor, I’d better make sure Aeris is safe first - wait, where is Aeris?
Shi’Iana : Oh, $#!+ she’s gone off to call Holy!
Jha’Meia : That sounds just as good.
Laguna : WILL SOMEONE JUST HELP ME???
Jha’Meia : Shi’Iana, D’Brah, Laguna’s your favourite character. Go save him.
Shi’Iana and D’Brah : WHAT?!?
Hojo : Nothing you do can stop me now!!
Vincent : Oh, shut up. ( Fires Death Penalty again )
Hojo : Argh! That was my other good eye!
Jha’Meia : You don’t want to save him? Well, let’s hear what he says, then! Laguna, you okay??
Laguna : DON’T YOU THINK THAT’S A STUPID QUESTION WHEN I’M THE ONE COVERED IN A PILE OF MOVING RATS????
Hojo : Well, I’ll just make some more, then! ( point a multiplier gun at the Laguna-rat pile )
D’Brah : So that’s how he does it!
Sephiroth : I got a bad feeling about this one…
Jha’Meia : Yeah. Shit does happen.
Hojo : ( fires ) MUA HAH HAH!!!
D’Brah and Shi’Iana : LAGUNA!!!!
Jha’Meia : Shi’Iana! D’Brah! Go save him, quickly!!
Shi’Iana : BUT…
Jha’Meia : NO BUTS! He’s your favourite character!!! Go!!!
D’Brah : ( looks at writhing mass of rats fearfully )
Shi’Iana : Oh, all right! ( wades into river of rats )
Jha’Meia : D’Brah! Get moving!!
D’Brah : ( stares at rats, then - ) All right!! ( sobs and wades in after Shi’Iana ) Laguna!
Laguna : Here!!
Lucrecia : Strange. The voice sounds doubled.
Shi’Iana : Jha!! There are two piles!!
Jha’Meia : Ain’t one of them Irvine?
D’Brah : Irvine’s in the corner sobbing over his hat!
Everyone : … … …
Hojo : ( cackling insanely ) Looks like I multipied your friends too!!
Sephiroth : Two piles of Laguna-engulfed rats. Classic.
Jha’Meia : FUN-NY! Go find Aeris!
( Big white ball comes crashing down into the house )
Jha’Meia : What the f-
Lucrecia : Jha’Meia!!
Jha’Meia : Sorry. ( slaps forehead in exasperation ) AERIS!!!
Aeris : ( running down the stairs ) Did it work? Did it work?? I prayed for Holy! And it came!
Sephiroth : Ummm, Aeris, the rats are still there…
Aeris : Wait a bit. Wait a bit!
Shi’Iana : Ummm….
D’Brah : Okay, Jha! You’re really nutty now! IT’S THE FRIGGING LIFESTREAM!!!!
Jha’Meia : Hey, what do !I! know??? I don’t play FF VII!!!
Vincent : Hopefully Laguna doesn’t get engulfed by the Lifestream.
D’Brah : WHAT?!?
Lucrecia : Vincent! Don’t be so ill-boding!
Vincent : Sorry, love.
Irvine : ( shaking in joy as lifestram tendril engulfs his hat ) Look!! My hat!! It’s as good as new!! ( hugs hat to his heart )
Shi’Iana : Oh god.
Sephiroth : Nice work, Aeris.
Aeris : ( beams )
Jha’Meia : I wonder what we’re going to do with the Laguna-rat pile. Any ideas?
Shi’Iana : The rats aren’t going away!!
D’Brah : I think I’m going to be sick… ( runs out )
( LOUD SCREAM )
D’Brah : A WEAPON IS HEADED THIS WAY!!!
Jha’Meia : I’m beginning to hate this.
Shi’Iana : A WEAPON! A frigging WEAPON!
Lucrecia : I was hoping this wouldn’t happen. ( sighs )
Sephiroth : This was a possibility?
Lucrecia : The WEAPONs are supposed to help protect the Planet, you see. So when there’s a threat to the Planet and they awaken, they won’t go away until the threat is destroyed.
Sephiroth : A bunch of rats? A threat to the Planet?
Lucrecia : Yes, dear. Now go help them get rid of the WEAPON.
Sephiroth : But…
Vincent : Listen to your mother!
Sephiroth : Oh, all right.
D’Brah : ( is screaming hysterically in fright ) IT’S DIAMOND!!!
Jha’Meia : Come to think of it… I never hung around Shi’Iana’s place long enough to actually find out what the WEAPONs look like.
Shi’Iana : Too bad.
Jha’Meia : Sephiroth! Get out there and get rid of the WEAPON.
Sephiroth : ME? Why me??
Shi’Iana : Dduuuuhhhh, because you’re the strongest of us all, brainiac.
Sephiroth : Be quiet. No one asked you.
Jha’Meia : GIT GOING!!!
Aeris : I’ll hold your hand if you like.
Sephiroth : Oh, wow, that would be just fine. All right! I’m going! ( throws hands up in air in exasperation ) But I’ll expect due payment, mind you!
Jha’Meia : GIT!!!
Sephiroth : ( mutters deprecations and expletives to himself and moves off )
Shi’Iana : D’Brah! Get back here! Sephiroth’s gonna take care of everything!!
D’Brah : ( still screaming and running back into house )
Lucrecia : Look! The Lifestream’s managed to get rid of most of the rats already!
Vincent : But they haven’t rectified the double-Laguna problem.
Lucrecia : I could probably do something about that.
Shi’Iana : But WHY?
Jha’Meia : EEEEEE Shi’Iana’s got a crush on Laguna!!
Shi’Iana : HEY!!
Jha’Meia : What, it’s true, isn’t it?
Shi’Iana : Shut up!
Jha’Meia : Yeah sure. Did you hear me, Laguna?
Laguna : ( doubled voices ) I DON’T CARE WHO’S GOT A CRUSH ON ME AS LONG AS YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS PILE OF RATS!!!
( LOUD ROAR AS SEPHIROTH BATTLES WITH THE WEAPON. Jha’Meia keeps Shi’Iana and D’Brah busy by having them pull the two Lagunas out of the pile of rats. )
Lucrecia : Sorry to say this, but, this is really disgusting.
Vincent : You shouldn’t be watching this, Lucrecia, love. Here, I’ll take you inside.
Jha’Meia : Don’t get distracted.
Vincent : ( shoots dirty look at Jha’Meia )
Jha’Meia : What?
Aeris : To think it was just one small family of mice when this started.
Jha’Meia : Yeah. You packed quite a scream the night we found ’em.
Aeris : It was neccesary to get your attention.
Jha’Meia : What were you and Sephiroth doing?
Aeris : Don’t ask.
Jha’Meia : Aeris, are you blushing?
Aeris : Don’t ask.
Jha’Meia : Oh my gosh, look, guys, Aeris is blushing!!!
D’Brah : Why?
Jha’Meia : Dunno. ( feigns innocent look ) I was just asking her what she and Sephiroth were doing the night we found the rats.
Shi’Iana : Errm… maybe you oughta lay off the questioning…
Jha’Meia : So exactly what happened, Aeris?
Aeris : ( looking somewhere over Jha’Meia’s head ) Errrm…
Jha’Meia : Hmmm. When you guys get like this, it's usually because - ( freezes visibly ) Uh - oh.
( Breeze throughout the entire house as Sephiroth chases Jha’Meia around the house at top speed. The sea of mice is parted while the curtains get blown all over. )
D’Brah : Check out the Moses trick!
Shi’Iana : Cool!
Irvine : Didn’t know Jha’Meia could run that fast.
Laguna #2 : Wonder how long they’ll keep at it?
Laguna #1 : Dunno. Let’s just watch, shall we?
( Aeris, Shi’Iana, D’Brah, Irvine and the two Lagunas get some popcorn and watch the “Sephiroth Chasing Jha’Meia Show”. )
THE END