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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A day without sunshine is like, YOU KNOW, night.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A man is not complete until he weds, then he’s finished.
A man who fishes in another man’s well often only catches crabs.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Be Kind to Donkeys – Kiss My Ass.
Be kind to your children – they choose your nursing home.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty is only a light-switch away.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Blondes have more fun – but do they know they’re having it?
Build something foolproof and someone will build a better fool.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you find a rock.
Discourage inbreeding: Ban country music.
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
Do old men wear boxers or briefs? – Depends.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Don’t talk about yourself too much – we’ll do that when you leave.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Ever feel like you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Most don't have film.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
God gave men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
God made Pot, Man made Beer – who do YOU trust?
Grow your own dope – plant a man
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heck is where people go that don’t believe in gosh.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
How come you press harder on a remote when you know the batteries are dead?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
I always try to count my blessings, but I’m no good at fractions.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I get plenty exercise pushing my luck.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.
I love defenseless animals – especially in a nice gravy.
I married Miss Right, I just didn’t realize that her first name was "Always"
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I tried snorting coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I would explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
If a person with multiple personality syndrome threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a pig loses it’s voice, is it disgruntled?
If a stealth bomber crashes, does it make any noise?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished
If at first you don’t succeed cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If at first you don’t succeed destroy any evidence that you ever tried.
If at first you don’t succeed redefine success.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it’s zero degrees outside, and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?
If men had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you mixed Vodka, Orange Juice and Milk of Magnesia, would you have a Phillip’s Screwdriver?
If you stand on a toilet, are you high on pot?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If you’re going to shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying – No Hard Feelings.
Is a fly without wings called a "walk"?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is sex better than drugs? Depends on the pusher.
Is there another word for synonym?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious
It’s lonely at the top, but you sure do eat better.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Lawyer’s Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Let’s play Ice Cream Cone – I’ll lick, you melt.
Male PMS: Pretending to be Macho Studs
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it makes misery easier to live with.
My reality check bounced.
My woman can’t wrestle – but you should see her box.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Never trust a stockbroker that is married to a travel agent.
Never try to baptize a cat.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power large groups of stupid people.
No one is listening to you, until you make a mistake.
Nobody likes a smartass – especially another smartass.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
One good turn... gets most of the blankets.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Our gene pool could use a little more chlorine.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a second invite to a place.
Psycho-Ceramics: The science of studying crackpots.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Rehab is for quitters.
Save the whales.....collect the whole set.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Sex and Real Estate: Get plenty of it while you're young!
Sex is like Ice Cream.... Everyone loves it and your sticky afterward.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Sex without love is just mutual masturbation.
She’s not your type – she’s not inflatable.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Some drink at the Fountain of Knowledge – others just gargle.
Sometimes too much to drink just isn’t enough.
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
Tact is a way of sending someone to hell in such a way that they enjoy the trip.
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he believes you. Tell him the paint on a bench is wet, and he has to touch it.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
The best way to save face is to shut the lower half of it.
The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions...
The only evidence against evolution are it’s opponents.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The Pillsbury doughboy is WAY too happy for someone without genitals.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The problem with wrestling a pig is that you get dirty and the pig likes it.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.
Virginity guaranteed unless seal is broken.
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
War is God's way of teaching us geography.
We have enough youth – We need a Fountain of Smart.
WELCOME TO UTAH: Please set your watch back 20 years.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in "Lisp"?
Why are there Braille Letters on drive-through bank machines?
Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called "buildings" when they’re already finished? Should they be called "builts"?
Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why can’t they use the material from the "little black box", for the entire airplane?
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol if you can’t drink and drive?
Why do you put suits in a garment bag, and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don’t they make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Why is the Department of the Interior in charge of the outdoors?
Why is the time of the slowest traffic of the day called "rush hour"?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is there handicap parking in front of ice skating rinks?
Women are not served here – you have to bring your own.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Women need a reason to have sex – Men just need a place.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
You brought the buns; I've got the meat... Let's make a sandwich!
Your bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Last Updated on 10/4/2003
By DH