Only and Always
You see what you want to see.
I'll only give you that much.
What I want, you won't see.
You will turn away.
Just like before.
Always like before.
Before.
Always.
I have tried.
Tried.
Now I am tired.
And you will see my smile.
Only a smile.
Always a smile.
Always.
copyright theOthers 2002
I think this poem is just about having that perfect game face. My coaches loved it. No opponent could ever read my emotions by looking at me. I could be standing at the net, waiting to block an opponents spike, and my face would be set in stone. Instead of being intimidated by them, they were intimidated by me.
I learned this as a child. After he would rape me, I would have to go downstairs and pretend that nothing was wrong and play with my friend. I was not allowed to cry. And in my household in general, displays of emotion weren't seen in the best of light. So I learned to hide whatever I was feeling and give people what they wanted to see. I became the perfect mirror. Sometimes, even after I have done so much therapeutic work, I still want to go back to that. When I was a mirror, I never hurt anyone.
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