When I was four, that is when I first split. I was lying on a bed, and an adult man was raping me. I could not handle that. So part of me split off, and left my physical body there on the bed, while the new part left the room. My first instance of dissociation. But I didn't call it that. I called it flying, because that is what it was like. Is like for that particular Other. She was the first to show herself to me. As different circumstances arose, more Others came forth to help me survive. That is what it is all about for me: survival. Each Other has a specific survival technique that they "give" to me. Each Other is unique in personality, characteristics, temperment, actions, thoughts and feelings, age and sex. I did not say one day, "gee, I would like a sixteen year old girl that is....." I didn't make them. They made themselves. I didn't name them. They told me their names. We go by the Others.
When I use the term "I" I almost feel guilty. Becuase I don't know who "I" is, really. I don't have a real sense of self-definition. I think it is because once that four year old split apart, the Original never came back, and the rest of Us took over. She never got a chance to grow up. She remains hidden, and silent, and she is still very scared. "We" refers to the collective group. Sometimes I switch between "I" and "We" a lot. Sometimes I don't know who is fronting. I lose time on a regular basis. I realize that I don't remember what I did earlier that day, or who I was with or what I said. I recently wrote an entry in my online diary and when I came back to it did not know I had written it.
I have always known I was a multiple, although I didn't call it that until I first read of Multiple Personality Disorder in my college psychology textbook. And then everything made sense. I didn't tell anyone about the Others until relatively recently, although I have been in therapy for what seems like a long time now. My therapist and psychiatrist looked at me and they both said, "should I be surprised at this?" Of course they weren't surprised. I think they already had guessed it.
In my section on anorexia I did not include the diagnostic criteria for anorexia, because there are so many sites out there that have that information. However, I found that there are not nearly as many sites pertaining to Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is what they used to call Multiple Personality Disorder.Click here for the diagnotic criteria as found in the DSM-IV, which is what is used in the United States for diagnosis mental illnesses.
