The Seven Kook Commandments

Words Alex Klein

Kook n 1: An eccentric, a nut. 2: A beginning skateboarder. See grommet, t-dog.		6. Don't go for background props. Sure it's tempting to get up in the background of another skater's line, but don't do it. You'll only end up distracting the skater. Plus, even if you are in the background, calculating your distance from the camera, the distortion of those new death lenses, and the blur factor, you'll find that you're only going to end up about as big as a centimeter on the screen. And to make it worse, none of your friends will beleive it's you. Pausing the screen in the middle of a skate video and trying to convince a girl that it's you drinking a soda in the background will not get you laid. I've tried. 7. Don't reapeatedly get in the way. We all get in the way occasionally. Crowded sessions are guaranteed to produce a few collisions, no big deal. But if you notice you are starting to get in someone's way ona regular basis, it's probablytime to start paying more attention to your surroundings. One time, former "Blind" pro Henry Sanchez was trying to film a trick going maybe 10-hard-pushes fast. The same kid kept getting in his way. The first couple of screwups got rolles eyes from Henry. After the fourth time, the kid got an expletive-laced verbal warning. Disregarding it, he kept skating. Upon getting in the way a fifth time, he received a full-body check that would have made Wayne Gretzky wince. Fortunately, he walked away with nothing more than a couple of bruised ribs and a lesson in skate etiquette. This is only an abbreviated list. Though it's all right to break the rules sometimes, adhering to them will rapidly speed up the progressin your quest to be down. And for those of you still committing these violations, you no longer have any excuse.
Every Body Starts out a kook--it's nothing to be ashamed of. Though most of us graduate from K-status pretty quickly, there are a few slow learners out there. For you laggers I've compiled a quick list of dos and don'ts--a crash course in t-dogology. 1. Don't beam. Beaming might very well be the most hideous offense. A "beam" is executed when you land a trick, then make eye contact with another, as though you're challenging them to a duel. It gives others the impression that you're either cocky or so insecure that that you need another to validate your tricks. Beaming a camera should be done only as a joke or after something extraordinary, like the time you accidenally did a nollie flip sex change out of a boardslide. Roller bladers beam, so do Trekkies. Can you think of two bgger groups of geeks? 2. Don't film what's alrady been done. If you're gonna film, make sure the trick you're filming hasn't already been done at that spot. Nothing looks worse than filming a single trick that Koston already did 37 411's ago. Don't front like you missed that issue--you know you've got a subscription. Be creative with your tricks. 3. Don't over celebrate. Great, you finally landed your trick. It was about time. But no matter how bad the	little voice in your head is urging you to rip off your shirt and do a headspin, don't do it. Hooting, dancing, drinking champagne, and striking poses are strictly forbidden forms of celebration. And only Stevie Williams can grab his crotch after a run. 4. Don't be a one-upper. If another skater is trying a trick, don't try the same trick unless he's your friend and is cool with it. If you are ever so lucky to be graced with the presence of a proffessional skateboarder, whatever you do, don't try the same trick as him (or her if it's Elissa). Despite popular myths, no one has ever gotten sponsored this way. In fact' pros get pretty pissed why people try to take them out. Punishment for this one varies, ranging from a mean look to a dis. If you're one-upping someone at Pier 7, make sure you have a snorkel, because your boards going into the bay. 5. Don't stare or spy on others. When I was younger I was fascinated with older skaters, and had a tendency to zone-out and stare at them, which unfortunatelty earned me the nickname"Gay Dude." When conversations involving juicy gossip---like who fought who at the trade show---came up, I also had a habit of eavesdropping. This got my nickname changed from "Gay Dude" to "Snoopy," a marginal improvement. Fortunately I quickly dropped these disagreeable habits, and sure enough, my nicknames disappeared with them.