Part 2
by Karen Dunbar ([email protected])
Jen caught herself staring into space for the 20th time that afternoon, and forced her attention back to the blackboard as Pacey nudged her in the ribs.
"You trying to give me a run for my money in the 'I don't care about school' stakes today? You've not taken a single note since we sat down here."
"Just tired. Late night last night," Jen gave him a half-hearted smile.
"And you didn't invite me? I'm hurt, Jen."
Jen dutifully chuckled, and made a point of looking towards the front of the class, as if actually paying attention to what the teacher was saying. Not that she was. How Jack had managed to persuade her to see Terry, she really didn't know, but over the course of breakfast Jack had called the number Terry had left with him to arrange to meet after school. It was a measure of her trust in Jack, she supposed, that she would be willing to meet with a guy she couldn't stand the sight of on the basis of Jack's uncertain opinion. Well, that, and the fact that she was just the tiniest bit curious as to what would make Terry so determined. Determination, she remembered, had never been part of his psyche, with the obvious exception of his efforts to bed every female under the age of 30 in New York. She was still unsure about meeting him again, but Jack would be there, and if things got too heavy she could always walk away.
"Hey, Lindley!" Pacey hissed in her ear, interrupting her reverie, "Could you at least pretend to be listening to what this bore's telling us? If he notices you staring at the ceiling instead of the blackboard we'll both get hit with questions!" Determinedly Jen forced thoughts of the coming meeting out of her mind, and dragged her attention back to the lesson.
For the first time in her life Jen was not pleased to hear the bell at the end of the day. Briefly she considered bailing out of the meeting. Maybe she could just go for a walk, and tell Jack she'd been kept back in detention- it would be a perfectly believable scenario. But even if she could bring herself to lie to him about this, she knew he'd be able to tell the lie straight off- he knew her too well. Besides, she decided, she didn't want to look back in a couple of months and think that she'd been unable to face Terry. Yes, he'd really hurt her at the time, but that was 2 years ago, and she was over it now. What exactly did she have to fear form meeting him? Her mind made up, she started towards the main gate.
Jack was already waiting for her, standing stiffly by the gate. She watched the tension in his stance ease as he noticed her approach, and wasn't surprised at the realisation that he'd known she would be considering not turning up.
She smiled brightly at him, "So, are you ready to be my knight in shining armour?" His eyes widened in surprise at her change of attitude, and she laughed shortly, resignedly. "No, I'm not suddenly eager to see him," she said, as they began walking, "I just decided Terry wanting to talk to me is not the end of the world. I can handle it."
Jack looked at her quizzically, as if what she was saying was the most obvious thing in the world, "I know you can. You're a strong person, and you can handle someone like Terry in your sleep." He grinned, "In fact, I was sort of hoping you might be my knight in shining armour, and protect me from the wrath of Mr Leery. I don't think he'll be too pleased with me for skipping practice this afternoon."
"All in a good cause, Jack. And all your doing, as well," she returned his grin. " A small sacrifice on your part, to atone for the unspeakable anguish I'm about to endure," still grinning, she ignored Jack's rolling eyed pantomime of long suffering martyrdom. "I admit, though, I have been wondering what all this is about. I mean, why all of a sudden does he feel the need to contact me, after 2 years when he didn't know, and, I assumed, didn't care if I was alive or dead?"
"We'll know soon enough." Jack nodded towards a bench on the other side of the street, where Terry was rising to meet them. Jen couldn't help but notice how pale and sweaty he was, obviously nervous and unsure of himself- a far cry from the confidence verging on arrogance she had been used to seeing in him. If I wasn't so nervous myself I'd be enjoying seeing him like this, she thought, a little ashamed of the vindictive notion. "Ready?" Jack inquired solicitously. Staring ahead at Terry, determination written on her face, Jen nodded.
Terry was aware of the sweat running down his neck as he stood to greet Jen, and hoped that his nervousness wasn't as obvious to her as he feared. For all that he had pushed for this meeting he'd been dreading it, and now that she was here he was having a hard time not running away. It didn't help that Jen's boyfriend was standing behind her like her personal bodyguard, glaring at Terry. It wasn't like the Jen he remembered to let a guy be so blatantly protective of her, but he supposed a lot could change in 2 years. He supposed he should be grateful to this guy- Terry was certain the only reason Jen was meeting with him now was because her boyfriend had talked her into it. But looking at his face, grim and hostile, Terry wondered if he wasn't having second thoughts.
Jen approached him, unsmiling but civil, "Terry." Not much of a greeting, but considerably better than he'd received when he'd visited her at work.
"Jen. Thanks for coming." He nodded to the boyfriend, "Thanks for talking to her." The glare had faded a little, but the expression of stern supervision wasn't much more encouraging.
"This is Jack." Jen introduced him. Terry nodded, wondering how best to ask Jack to leave them. His intention must have been plain. "I'm here with Jack or not at all, Terry. Whatever you have to say to me, he can hear too." Jack stepped forward to take Jen's hand, reinforcing her message.
Terry opened his mouth to tell her this was private, but looking at their faces, mirror images staring resolutely at him, decided against it. He nodded acceptance. After all, he supposed, looking at them together, this could affect Jack too.
"So," Jen began, "just what is so important that you wouldn't take no for an answer?"
Terry felt his stomach churn- this was the part he'd been dreading, and after weeks of wracking his brains he still didn't know how to say it. Jen and Jack were both waiting expectantly for him to speak. There was no easy way, he knew, but to just come right out with it. He couldn't. He stared helplessly at Jen, willing his brain to find something, anything, to say to her, "Jen, I It's. I" He stopped. There was no easy way. Closing his eyes to shut out her face, he inhaled deeply.
Here it comes, Jen thought. If this does turn out to be the 'sorry, forgive me' speech I am going to kill Jack.
"I have HIV."
Jen stared at Terry. Had she heard right? "What?" she whispered, as she felt Jack's grip tighten on her hand. Terry's face was drained of all colour, his eyes wide as he stared back at her.
He swallowed, and whispered back, "I have HIV."
Unconsciously, Jen stepped towards him, her earlier vindictive thoughts fleeing from her mind. Oh, God. He'd treated her like crap, been totally self obsessed and even cruel, but he didn't deserve this. Suddenly she bitterly regretted all the nights she had spent after they broke up, wishing for him to suffer. Was this why he looked so pale? Was he already ill? She reached out to wipe away the tear rolling down his cheek, but he flinched back, as if he had thought she meant to hit him. Puzzled, she let her hand fall to her side. Did he think her one of those callous idiots who would blame a person for being infected? "Oh, God, Terry I'm so sorry." Her words were insufficient, she knew, but what else could she say?
She reached out to him again, but again he pulled back, tears flowing freely now, as he swallowed and stammered, "You shouldn't be sorry for me, Jen. I don't want you to be." He took another deep breath and opened his mouth to carry on, but whatever he wanted to say wouldn't come. Ten minutes ago Jen had hated him, but now her heart bled for him as she watched his mouth working soundlessly.
"When." Jen was startled at Jack's voice- she'd almost forgotten he was there. She glanced round to see him, ashen faced and trembling, looking torn between compassion, rage and horror. "When were you infected?" Unlike his features his voice was emotionless, cold, as he stared at Terry. Terry looked back, relieved, afraid, desperate, guilty, and all of a sudden Jen froze as she realised what Jack was really asking. Numbly she turned back to Terry, who was practically cowering from Jack.
"Terry?" The hoarse whisper barely escaped her lips. He stared at the ground, blinded by tears, his whole body shaking.
"When?!" Jack demanded again, and there was no mistaking the fury and the fear in his voice this time.
"I don't know. I think" Terry looked wretchedly into Jen's face, and whispered through his sobs, "I think.. that it was about 4 years ago."
Four years ago. Jen stared blankly at Terry, unaware of Jack's sharp intake of breath, of the trembling of his body as he wrapped his arm around her, although whether that was for her comfort or his own, Jack couldn't have said. 4 years ago. Those words echoed through Jen's mind, heavy with their significance. The weight of those words seemed to drown the emotion that a part of her knew she must be feeling. 4 years. Numbly she studied Terry's face, just inches from her own- his pale hair, unwashed and lank, falling over his eyes, and those eyes, so dull and lifeless- where was the gleam that had always been there? And tears? When had Terry ever cried? Terry was the strong one, the one who'd take charge and tell her everything was OK, who'd hold her in his strong arms and kiss her so tenderly, so passionately that she felt they were the only two people in the world. He'd been so tanned when she knew him, now he seemed pale and wan, even his lips were pale, and thin. And moving, she realised, as the sound drew her back to herself.
"Jen, I'm so, so sorry. You don't deserve this. I was a bastard to you, I lied to you, I cheated on you, and now I might have passed this on to you, and I am so sorry. Please believe that," Terry stammered, crumbling under Jen's vacant gaze. "But you might be OK! I don't know for sure when You You might be OK" His words washed over her. She heard his voice, but somehow the words just didn't mean anything. He was looking at her, Jen realised, looking for a response, for a reaction. It was beyond her. She was aware that at some level her emotions were in turmoil, raging and screaming, but that was somewhere else. Someone else. Jen, herself, was just blank. Nothing.
Slowly she started to register her surroundings- the grass, almost gleaming in the afternoon sun, the trees beyond, rustling in the breeze, casting a gentle green glow as the sunlight filtered down through the leaves, the leaves themselves, edged in gold. And she became conscious of Jack's arm around her, holding her as tightly as if his life depended on it, his body tense, his breathing hard and strained. She looked up at his face. Jack was still staring at Terry, eyes wide, with pain, she thought dispassionately, and anger? She moved against him, and the movement brought his attention to her. All trace of anger drained from his features as he looked back at her, but, yes, that was definitely pain, and fear and worry. But as he looked into her eyes she saw all these emotions, so clearly written on his face, subjugated to an intense determination and a gentle compassion, both of them for her, she knew. His fingers brushed her cheek, and she caught her breath as her mental barriers started to weaken. No! She couldn't face this, not yet. She broke away from Jack's embrace, fighting down the waves of feelings that his concern for her was threatening to unleash. Jen strove for the calm nothingness that had enveloped her just moments before. Staring at the ground, breathing slowly and deeply, thinking of nothing but the warmth of the sun on her face, the rustling of the leaves in the trees, gradually that sense of calm returned to her.
Terry had fallen silent. His face was still stained with tears, but they no longer flowed as freely. He looked crushed, broken beyond repair. She didn't look at Jack. She knew what she'd see in his face, and she didn't want to see it. She couldn't. She stared at a convenient spot between the two of them and tried to think of what to say. "Thankyou, Terry, for letting me know. I have to go now. I need to get ready for work."
Jen could feel their stunned silence as she turned and strode off, she sensed Jack calling on her before he even opened his mouth to shout, "Jen!" But she kept on walking, neither slowing nor turning for Jack, who she knew was coming after her. She heard his voice again, closer, "Jen, wait up!" Struggling to ignore the worry in his tone she stiffened her back and quickened her pace, striding up the street. He wasn't following any more. She never looked round, but she knew he'd taken the hint. This was one trouble she didn't want any help with.
Jack stared helplessly as Jen strode away from him. For a moment he considered running after her and grabbing her, making her look him in the face again, but remembering the panic he had seen in her eyes when he'd looked into them before, he thought better of it. She wasn't ready to deal with what Terry had told them- she was running from that even more than she was running from him, and that was something Jack understood all too well. When she was ready she would come to him.
As Jen's slight figure disappeared from view Jack turned back to Terry, collapsed on the bench with his head in his hands. He was a pathetic sight, pale, dishevelled, shaking- he lifted his tear ravaged face to see Jack staring at him. Jack took a deep breath and tried to remind himself that Terry hadn't meant for any of this to happen, that he was sorry for what he'd done to Jen, that he was as much of a victim as Jen herself. Keeping these thoughts firmly in mind he managed to look at the pitiful figure before him with a measure of compassion, but his anger must still have been evident as Terry shrank back from him.
"I'm sorry," Terry stammered. Jack felt his anger rising again, verging on hatred for this man who seemed to think that such feeble apologies might actually alleviate the pain of this situation. "She might be OK. She might be. Maybe I'm wrong, and I wasn't infected when we were together, and even if I was, she might still be OK, it's not always passed on, and we were careful"
Jack squeezed his eyes shut, and wished that he could do the same with his ears, shut out Terry's inane and half-hearted reassurances. God, he didn't want to hear any of this any more than Jen had, but he couldn't shut out Terry's voice, and as he listened his thoughts became more and more bleak. HIV. Jen, his best friend, the only person who had ever cared for him and accepted him and loved him totally as he was, the only person who had given him the support and understanding he had always craved, and never received from his family, the person he loved and needed more than anyone else in the world. She might have HIV. His blood seemed to turn to ice at the thought that Jen might be ill, and not just ill, but with such a painful, deadly and incurable disease. He couldn't bear to think of her suffering, not his Jen, always so vibrant and lively, caring and compassionate, always there for him. He couldn't bear to think that he might lose her.
Suddenly blinded by tears, Jack turned and ran from Terry. He could barely breath through his ragged sobs, and even as he ran he feared his legs would give out under him, but he ran on, choking back his tears. He couldn't lose Jen. Nothing could hurt her, and he couldn't lose her. He couldn't! He stumbled blindly through the trees, tripping over stones and roots, until one sent him tumbling to the ground, where he lay, sobbing desperately, overwhelmed by his fear and pain.