�He�s hardly moved in twenty-four hours.�

�I know, Shane, but he really just needs to be alone, to rest now.�

�I�m worried about him- he needs me ��

�Shane ��

Hushed voices from outside the bedroom door had woken him up. Hazy at first, Jack finally recognized the voices as those of Jen and Shane. He sighed and pulled the pillow over his head. What had happened? His father had died. Oh. Yeah. Fuck.

He was about to allow himself to drift back into a dreamless oblivion when he heard the slight creak of the door opening. Shane had been bugging him to fix that creak �

He did not open his eyes as he heard the soft footfalls and felt the mattress shift as a weight lowered itself onto the edge of the bed. A hand touched his leg gently. He opened his eyes slowly and saw the pale face of his lover. �Hey,� he said, �how are you?�

Jack sighed. �Wonderful.�

�Sorry.�

�No, don�t be.� He took Shane�s hand and pulled him down to the bed with him. Shane allowed Jack to lay his head on his chest. He sighed as Shane gently stroked his back.

�How long have I been in bed for?�

�About a day.�

Jack groaned. �What time is it?�

�One-thirty.�

�Fuck.�

�Don�t worry about it.�

�Jen�s here?�

�Yeah, and Grams and my parents.�

�God.�

�Yeah, it�s a real party out there.�

�Don�t people have work and stuff?�

�It�s Sunday, Jack.�

�Oh.�

They cuddled in silence for a bit as Jack tried to think rationally for the first time in a day. His father was dead. There was so much to take care of- he needed to call his father�s attorney, he needed to make funeral arrangements, he needed to contact his father�s work, he needed to deal with his father�s apartment � why was he still lying in bed?

�Where�re you going?� Shane asked as Jack sat up suddenly.

�I- I�ve got stuff to do � so much to do.�

Shane grabbed Jack�s hand and pulled him back towards him. �Hey, relax. Things are going to be taken care of, alright? Don�t worry about all that.�

�No, Shane, really, I want to get things done. Shit, I don�t even know where to start.�

Shane sighed deeply. �Well, the airline called a few hours ago ��

Jack looked expectantly back at him.

�They, um- they were calling all of the families of the- the passengers � you were listed as your father�s closest living relative.�

Jack nodded. He was his father�s only living relative.

�His attorney was listed too, apparently, so he�s been called as well. I guess he�ll be calling you soon.�

�Yeah, okay, good. You know what? I think I�m going to call him- he�ll give me a better idea of arrangements that have to be made and- what?�

Shane was staring at him, frowning. �I just- I just think you should take it easy, you know? There are other people who can take care of these things.�

�Like who, Shane? Who else is going to take care of these things?� He did not bother to apologize for his sharp tone.

�Well- there are people, Jack. Jen, Grams, my parents � me.�

Jack sighed and sat back down beside him. Taking Shane�s hand into his own, Jack spoke gently to his boyfriend. �Look, baby, thank you, really. That�s very sweet of you but how much is a seventeen-year-old going to know about dealing with these kinds of things?�

Shane could not stop himself from recoiling slightly. Jack rarely spoke so patronizingly to him, rarely called him �baby� or any cutesy names of the sort. He tried relax and accept it. He needed to let Jack behave however he needed to feel better. �Yeah, okay, -understood. Um, d�you have the attorney�s number?�

�Yeah, it�s around here somewhere � I know I have it. Look, I�m going to take a shower, make a couple phone calls, alright? I just need to get this crap done.�

�I know. You do whatever you need to ��

Jack kissed Shane�s forehead. �Thanks, baby.�

After close to twenty minutes under the hot spray of the shower, Jack threw on a pair of jeans and a black polo shirt before getting to work. He searched his room for his address book but with no success. Shit, it must be in the living room- that meant going out into the rest of the apartment and facing the others. Well, it had to happen at some point.

Jack stepped into the living room, filled with afternoon sunlight and four more people than he was used to. Jen was the first to jump from the couch and run into Jack�s arms. Jack stroked her blonde locks as she babbled about how sorry she was. Jack pulled away and smiled sadly at her. �I know, sweetie, I know. Thank you for being here.�

Grams hugged him as well, a thing she had done before but he felt oddly uncomfortable about it this time. He found himself actually pulling out of the hug first because he was not really sure what to do with himself in her embrace. �Thank you, Grams,� he murmured.

�We�re so sorry,� Shane�s mother said, standing to take Jack�s hand into her own.

�If there�s anything we can do �� Mr. Graves said.

�Thank you- both of you. That�s very kind.� It was odd, hearing his voice as he spoke to these people he was normally so comfortable with. He sounded hollow, artificial. He turned to Shane who sat on the armchair behind him. �Have you seen the address book? I�m pretty sure my father�s attorney�s number is in there.�

�Uh, yeah- I think it�s over here �� he disappeared into another room.

Grams looked at him, frowning. �Jack, you can�t possibly be worrying about all of that now.�

�Yes, Jack,� Mrs. Graves said, �I�m sure Robert could help take care of some things.�

Mr. Graves was an attorney himself. �Of course I could.�

Jack shook his head. �Thank you, really, but I would rather take care of things � it�s fine, really.�

He turned and followed Shane before anyone could say anything else. Shane was in the office where he had found the address book. He handed it reluctantly over to Jack. �So, um, if you need anything, just ask okay? Anything at all ��

Jack simply nodded as he sat down at the desk and began searching for the number. Shane watched helplessly for a moment before quietly leaving the room.

*******

Jack stood in front of the mirror the evening of the funeral and stared blankly at his reflection. His suit was clean and crisp; his hair was gelled tastefully to one side, his expression somber, removed �

For what must have been the hundredth time that day, he looked carefully over his mental �To Do� list, making sure that everything was ticked off. The funeral home had taken care of most of the details; he needed only to choose the church, the coffin, and so on. For the past four days he had been running around getting these and other jobs done and now that he knew there was little left to do, he felt oddly empty. How would he pass the time now? How would he keep himself moving, doing, breathing?

�You about ready?� Shane stood awkwardly by the hotel room door.

�Yeah.�

They drove in silence to the funeral home where the wake would take place. Though he had not been to Rhode Island in years, he knew his way around. As he drove through the quiet streets, he was brought back to a time when he would be sitting in the backseat of a family car, his siblings on either side of him, his mother and father in the front seats �

They arrived at the funeral home fifteen minutes early, wanting to arrive there before anyone else. To be honest, Jack was not completely sure who would show. He had contacted all of his father�s old friends, his co-workers, distant family members � but who would actually come all the way out to Rhode Island to attend the funeral? There was something very bizarre about worrying about all of this. He felt like a housewife, twittering around as she worried about whether or not her dinner party would be a success.

The room where the wake would take place resembled a living room, complete with couches, decorative plants, and so on. Very similar to a living room- except for the mahogany coffin at the front of the room. His father�s remains were not, of course, in the coffin but as a matter of ceremony and tradition, a coffin had been purchased and would be buried in his father�s honour. It seemed like a waste but his father was always one to be concerned about appearances.

�Mr. McPhee.�

Jack jumped at the name. He turned and saw the funeral home director, Mr. Walker, standing behind him, looking at him. It took him a moment to realize that Mr. Walker had been speaking to him. He was so used to �Mr. McPhee� being his father.

�Yes,� he said apprehensively.

�I hope everything is in order?� Mr. Walker always spoke in a hushed voice. Jack wondered if he spoke this way when he went out for a drink with his friends. Did he go out for drinks with his friends? Did he have friends? Yes, of course he had friends. It just seemed as though Mr. Walker, the proper, somber funeral director, would appear very out of place in a drinking establishment.

�Mr. McPhee?�

Jack was yanked back to reality. �Wha- oh, right- I�m sorry. I uh, yes, yes, everything is fine, really. Everything�s perfect.�

�Good, I�m glad. If there is anything else you need, just let me know.�

�Yes, of course, I�ll do that. Thank you very much Mr. Walker.�

Mr. Walker smiled sadly and disappeared out of the room. Jack went and stood in front of the coffin, staring at it. It contained his father�s best suit, the suit he would have been buried in, and a few other objects that were important to him in life- the wedding ring he had not worn in years, a favorite novel, his college football jersey, and so on. Jack stared at the coffin, unable to make himself believe that in amongst those artifacts from the life of his father was anything that resembled the actual being he once called �dad.� Even if there was a body in the coffin, he doubted he could make himself believe there was anything of his father in that polished wooden box.

Jack flinched suddenly at the sensation of two pale white arms wrapping around his waste. Shane kissed his neck gently. �You okay?�

Jack nodded absently.

�You want some time alone?�

Jack shook his head and turned to face his boyfriend. �No. I don�t- I don�t know. This whole business- the wake, the funeral, the burial- it all seems so � pointless.�

�What d�you mean?�

Jack shrugged. �They�re all just ancient traditions that everyone carries on because it�s apparently the appropriate thing to do.�

Shane frowned. �Well, no- I don�t think so. I mean, a lot of people believe very strongly in these traditions.�

�Why?�

�Because! Because- they�ve been around for ages. I mean, every religion must have rules about how to say good-bye and bury their dead. Why wouldn�t you carry on the traditions?�

�Because I don�t really see a reason to. I�m not religious, never have been and neither was my father. So why are we throwing this ridiculous going away party for him and burying a bunch of his old crap in a six hundred dollar box?�

�Some people feel that funerals and burials give them closure ��

�I don�t know, Shane. I mean, I�ve been through this three times before and each time I asked why we were going through all of this crap and I still haven�t figured it out yet. I�m carrying through with these traditions because- because I don�t really know what else to do. I�m doing this because I feel like I have to but I don�t know why.�

Shane looked up at him helplessly.

Jack spoke quietly now. �Funny thing is, I�m scared for when it�s over. Scared. I just- I just don�t really know what I�ll do. I�ve been getting all of these things done because I felt as if I was moving in some direction, you know? It was as if, as long as I was dealing with my father�s death properly, his death would be okay � I mean, not okay but-�

Jack was cut off when the first of the mourners arrived. Jack dropped his arms from Shane�s waist as he went to greet his great aunt Louise.

*******

Andie�s funeral was first. Well, first after Tim�s. Five years after Tim�s death, the next McPhee was lost. Of course, lost may not quite be the appropriate term considering the fact that Andie�s death was not like Tim�s- not an accident, that is. �Lost� seems to be a term more for those who die in an accident or of a disease or some other uncontrollable fate. In killing herself, Andie had allowed herself to be �lost� and so she was not really lost- she had run away. Years of treatment and rehabilitation to be able to live a normal, content life were all for naught. In the year preceding her death, things had fallen apart in Andie�s life and before she knew it, she�d fallen back into her old habits. Unable- or unwilling- to start back where she started years ago, she had taken a handful of pills and was not found until three days later when her neighbor discovered her. The neighbor had broken in, worried because Andie had not left her apartment or answered any calls in a week.

Jack�s mother came soon after. Her death was very different for Jack, though- almost a relief. She had been in some clinic for years, her mind slowly dwindling away. Since Andie�s death, Jack was the only one who visited her but he could only be there occasionally and he knew each time he went that it was not his mother he was visiting. It was the outer shell of a being that resembled the woman who had once been his mother, a woman who had been gone for years. She died of an aneurysm, at night, in her sleep. Jack was told the death was peaceful and painless. His father had not even attended the funeral. He had meant to, or so he claimed, but then a sudden problem at work had made it impossible. It hardly surprised Jack and he did not even care much.

Both funerals were practically the same and had the same impact on Jack. In other words, not any impact at all. He�d tried, he really had, but just like at his brother�s funeral, Jack felt no better after attending his sister�s and mother�s funerals. Everyone gathered, there was a long dull ceremony in a church, the remains were chucked into the ground inside their expensive box and then the friends and relatives gathered in the church basement to eat mini-quiches and sandwiches and discuss how it had been a �beautiful ceremony.� Everyone, however, seemed to ignore the fact that after all this, the person was still dead, still gone, and for Jack, the pain was still very real.

*******

And now here he was again, going through the whole charade, though he was not really sure why. The wake was scheduled to last from five to six-thirty and then the funeral would take place at seven o�clock. After an hour, Jack was bored out of his mind but had not had a moment�s rest yet. For the past sixty minutes, he had been hugged, kissed, talked to, sobbed to, and it still was not over. His initial worries about no one showing were quickly obliterated as the room filled with people. He had only met many of the people once but some were old friends of his father�s that he�d known since he was very young. He recognized just about everyone though and so he was a bit curious when he saw a strange woman standing in front of the coffin, alone and weeping quietly. She was beautiful- even Jack could see that. She wore a lacy black dress and stilettos. Her hair was bottled blonde and her make-up expertly applied. She looked to be in her late forties but she was trying to look younger. Jack approached her quietly.

�Excuse me?�

The woman turned suddenly and looked at him, a tissue in one hand, her open purse in the other.

�I�m sorry- sorry to startle you. I�m Jack.� He held out his hand. �I don�t think we�ve met.�

The woman took his hand between both of hers. �Oh, Jack, of course! I�m sorry I didn�t introduce myself- I�m Shelley.�

�Oh, um- hi � Sorry, how did you know my father?�

�He- he never mentioned me?�

Jack shook his head.

�Oh, well. Your father and I have been- well, we�ve been living together for the past two years. We�ve been, you know, in a relationship.�

Jack looked at her a moment, shocked. �Oh, I- I didn�t know my father had a girlfriend.� He regretted his words at the hurt expression on Shelley�s face. �I mean, he might have mentioned you I just- I just forgot. My father and I weren�t too close the past few years.�

�Yes, I know. He talked a lot about you.�

�Did he?�

�Oh, yeah. He worried about you.�

Jack smiled bitterly. �Ah, yes, of course he did.� He looked at Shelley carefully. �He really had no reason to though.�

At that moment, Shane approached them and without hesitation, took Jack�s hand and kissed it. �Hey, how�s it going?�

A person would have to be quite unobservant not to notice the transformation in Shelley�s demeanor. The polite smile disappeared from her face and a sour expression replaced it. She actually took a step back from the couple. �And I suppose this is Shane?� she said, eyeing him as if he was a circus freak.

Shane looked hesitantly at her. �Uh, yes, I�m Shane.�

She looked from Shane to Jack and without another word, shook her head and wandered away.

�Who the fuck was that?�

Jack glanced back at Shane, brow furrowed. �My father�s girlfriend.�

�I didn�t know your father had a girlfriend.�

�Yeah, neither did I.�

*******

To be continued � let me know what you think!