BIOGRAPHY

Born in 1975 to Joshua and Donna Siregar, Jonathan Raymond Siregar came into the world quite loudly.

Dr. Martin Spolin, ob/gyn: I had never heard a sound like that before coming from any baby I had just delivered. It was horrifying. I distinctly remember a nurse fainting.

Jonathan showed remarkable aptitude for mathematics and science. At age 3 he began to read. Unfortunately, the first book he ever read was On the Road. Soon his high minded liberalism got him into trouble. Being the only student in his kindergarten class able to read, there were no suspects when his teacher, Ms. Klein, found scrawled on the wall, "Students of the World, Unite!"

Ms. Klein, former teacher: Please, don't remind me. That day was horrible. I still have nightmares of 5 and 6 year olds staging bloody revolution.

Both his parents labored to let their child have a life of priveledge. Unfortunately their efforts left them away from his development. Instead he was monitored by his loving grandmother, Eleanor Majeski, who treated him like the genius he was. She gave him every comfort, and made certain he was doing his schoolwork. But while she was not looking, he was developing his evil plans…so dark and mysterious was this child. At the age of 6, Jonathan developed what is known to this day as the dreaded Atomic Wedgie.

Jonathan was taught advanced English skills from an early age. He read in second grade the complete works of Shel Silverstein, and it was downhill from there. His rampant imagination fighting against a rigid Roman-Catholic school system inspired his rebellion, and formed new hardships for the teachers of St. Stephen's Parochial.

Sr. Rebecca, former principal: Yes, I still see him on Christmas with his family. He's a long haired hippy now. But then come to think of it he was always a hippy.

Shelby Foote, Civil War historian: The thing you have to know about Jonathan Siregar is he was Lee's right hand man up until Appamatox. Then from there we lose him in our chapters of history. Seeing him turn up in Jersey should be no surprise since that's where the Army of the Potomac was heading, and he was always on their trail.