The Consumers' Organization WHICH has released the following new guides, which should help computer users, or customers, cope with the choices available to them.
WHICH TERMINAL? Do you go for the nasty one with the flickering screen, the one whose E key has been stuck on with chewing gum and wobbles badly, the one next to the smelly student in the anorak who is playing METHODIST SEX VAMPIRES FROM LUTON, or the one without a chair?
WHICH DRINK? The drinks machine is offering a wide selection today. But should you spend 20 pounds on a plastic cup full of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1955 or 20 pence on a drink which, if sent to be analysed, would produce the diagnosis "Congratulations, your giraffe is pregnant"? How about that Cola? You may have survived it last time, but does it really meet international typhoid standards?
WHICH STAFF MEMBER? When you want to get something done (e.g. get them to fix that annoying bug in MAIL which has been annoying you for two years), should you be nice to X, who is charming but very junior, to Y, who is always willing to do things but totally incompetent, or to Z, who is a senior staff member, very efficient, but who goes around with a bone through his nose and a neckless of shrunken heads? We analyse all your local staff members and tell you which ones are safe to talk to.
WHICH CRIME? Should you plant a few viruses (100 pound fine), should you press the big red button which turns off the entire power supply (200 pound fine), or should you kidnap the Director and pull all his toenails out (1000 pound fine but you get to sleep with all the grateful users you want)? It's not always easy to decide, is it?
Jonathan Partington, 1993