At last a much-needed gap in the computer market has been filled! Up to now, there were lots of firms advertising anti-virus services for your computer. We, JRP's virus service, are the only widely-advertising organization from whom you can buy viruses for your friends!
Our firm has a long history of sabotage and deceit -- for example the original Trojan horse (the wooden one) was designed and built in our factories; also in fact when God designed the Universe, He consulted our Pan-Universal Parent Company -- with the result that the whole world is due to be consumed by fire next week.
But it's only now that we've gone into the computing and electronics business.
Q. How do I choose a virus for (e.g.) my grandmother?
A. I'm glad I asked me that. The answer is, first see what sort of computer she's got. If it's an IBM PC, then frankly I wouldn't bother... she's probably got lots of viruses already and maybe some other present, such as a scarf for winter, would be more appropriate. (We can recommend virus-infected scarves that cause unmentionable diseases, strangle the wearer, burst into flames, etc. -- just send for the catalogue.)
If she's got, say, a Macintosh, then maybe she'd like a nice mouse-virus. This one, JRP/1/666/42/SPONG/94 has a real mouse inside the plastic one. Won't she get a thrill when it comes out and start crawling up her arm, squeaking, etc.?
Anyway, send off now for our full catalogue. We have viruses that sing to you, gas you (a popular one in Iraq this one), print NEEDLE NARDLE NOO somewhere in the middle of your thesis where you won't spot it, turn your floppy discs into marzipan, or phone up the nearest police station and request them (in a Chinese accent) to bring round a pickled-onion-and-custard-topped pizza.
Q: No, I don't think those sorts of viruses are quite what I want. What else can you recommend?
A: I'm asking me a lot of questions today, but I'll answer this last one for me. Well now... we can also add viruses to other hardware with electronic components. One man was given a virus which caused his washing machine to tear all his shirt buttons off, to re-knit his socks so that no two matched, and to make his pullovers look like doormats. He ended up with a job as a University Lecturer, of course. Later in fact his vacuum cleaner was caused to blow dirt and slime all over him, after which his promotion to Professor was assured.
Another popular virus is one which causes televisions to burst into flames as soon as any Australian Soap comes on. Or you can get one for your neighbour's lawnmower which makes it run out of control and write rude words all over his lawn. Yet another one causes all messages on the Ansa-phone to be erased and replaced by bogus but urgent-sounding messages, e.g. "Come home at once, your baby sister's been eaten by an aardvark," "Yes, I will marry you," and "HELP! HELP! I'm being murdered! Aaaagghhh!"
Finally, under some circumstances you can design your own virus. Tell us who the victim is, what hardware they have, whether they are to be killed, driven mad, annoyed, confused, ... whatever. Then leave it to us, and we'll design a virus uniquely tailored to your needs!
Jonathan R. Partington, February 1991