THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMAN'S GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!! YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!
1. Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming pool and radio telescope.
2. Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
3. A lifetime's supply of Plutonium (or a year's, whichever is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
4. Belgium.
5. Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony with one ear. Oh, in fact that's HIM, sorry.
6. Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, "The Gods strike back" which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out that Siegfried isn't really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that you can get the thing performed.
7. A dozen Stradivarius violins.
8. A piece of slightly used chewing gum.
APPLY NOW TO CLAIM YOUR FREE GIFT!!! OBVIOUSLY WE CAN'T TELL YOU YET WHICH ONE YOU HAVE WON, BUT YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO WIN ONE OF THE ABOVE GIFTS, WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED (EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF (7) OF COURSE) [joke]
WHAT WAS THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE?
Oh all right, doesn't look as good though, does it?
Anyway, to claim the free gift, all you have to do is turn up at a presentation on Wednesday evening next week, where our salesmen will try and talk you into buying a ludicrously overpriced timeshare on a holiday tent in the Gobi desert.
Isn't that what you've always wanted? You too can spend the first two weeks of February dying of thirst EVERY YEAR!!!
But there is no compulsion to buy of course, and it is certainly not true that those who don't buy get beaten up. Well not necessarily.
BY the way, if you ARE going to be out next Wednesday, please leave a window open and turn off burglar alarms, give the dog a sleeping pill, etc. Our sister company Globsquirtle Burglaries Inc. may be sending a salesman round...
See you on Wednesday...
Jonathan Partington, a long time ago