The Rake's Progress, being a moral tale shewing the descent of a virtuous innocent into the depths of uttermost depravity, in 5 improving scenes.
Scene 1. The student arrives, pure and innocent at the university, to read for a degree in Low Temperature Theology. She is abed by 10 p.m. each evening, washes regularly, and never goes near a computer.
Scene 2. The student is introduced to the lewd world of computers. She attends several courses designed for utter weasels, such as 'Basic use of the on/off button', 'Principles of operating the drinks machine' and 'How to remove bits of cheese from the mouse'.
Scene 3. The student is made a User Representative because she is the only person around who doesn't panic whenever the terminal makes a low moaning sound. She becomes more ambitious, and learns BASIC and how to get fizzy soup with extra sugar from the drinks machine.
Scene 4. The student sinks further into depravity, learns FORTRAN, PASCAL, C, ASSEMBLER and COBOL, gives up sleep and washing, and programs her computer to shout "Boo!" at passers-by.
Scene 5. The final scene is one of utter depravity. The student, living on a diet of coffee and chocolate bars, is totally immersed in the world of Bulletin Boards, obscure UNIX commands (is there any other sort?) and E-mail. She gives up Low Temperature Theology and studies for a degree in Practical Virus Engineering (though she is never up in time for the lectures).
We leave the sad story here, as a warning to the young.
Jonathan Partington, March 1992