In view of Railtrack's recent problems in producing an accurate timetable, despite issuing several supplements, it has been decided to submit the timetable instead for a major fiction prize, possibly the Booker, although it has not yet been decided whether the category is comedy or tragedy.
The book tells the story of a Mrs Horton, who wants to go to Birmingham but is taken off to Crewe because she did not realise that the 10.23 stops at Birmingham on Wednesdays only. On other days it stops at Rugby, waits 25 minutes for a connecting train from Northampton to arrive, and then departs 30 seconds before the other train stops.
When Mrs Horton arrives at Crewe she naturally wants to take a train to Birmingham (though in her distress she asks a porter to take her back to London). She is offered the choice of the following trains:
The Gatwick Express (advertised as running to Manchester Airport but in fact a through train to Manea that stops also at Beeston, but only to pick up fresh supplies of Clement Freud-style Bacon-and-Rhubarb Croissants);
The boat train to Huddersfield (toilets only unblocked on Tuesdays);
The Trans-Pennine service to Paignton (with one compartment labelled "Mobile Phones only" and the other full of 250 rucksack-laden Swedish students attempting to visit 94 European Capitals on Inter-Rail without stopping to wash: they seem to believe that Paignton is a major European capital but since the train is really going to Aberystwyth, this doesn't actually matter);
The Deerstalker Sleeper to Luton (bring your own deer);
The Sheffield Thursday Football special to Reading, which is empty, because the team is actually called Sheffield Wednesday, and is not playing at Reading that day: anyway the train is actually going to Barrow;
The Flying Creweman, which leaves Crewe daily at 1000, moves 200 yards, stops at a red signal for 3 hours, and then returns to Crewe.
It would be wrong of me to divulge further details of the plot, but it is a steamy one, involving White Slavery (only available on those trains marked with a W in the timetable), leaves on the line (L in the timetable) and desperate attempts by Mrs Horton to work out which end of her white plastic twig should actually be dipped into the coffee to stir it.
*** Late news. Railtrack has agreed to issue daily timetables in arrears, so that customers can tell which trains actually ran on a particular day. This should be of great use in tracking down missing family and friends.
Jonathan Partington, September 26th, 1995