Hello and welcome to Radio 3 FM, the BBC's first station dedicated entirely to traffic reports. But first here's a note for all you traditional Radio 3 listeners: BONG! That was the 209th note of Sibelius's 4th symphony, played by the BBC Traffic Orchestra conducted by Simon Rattlesnake.
And now over to Lanark, where our reporter Charlie Cone is waiting. Morning, Charlie!
Morning, Piers. Well the traffic situation here is pretty exciting. The B8426 has been dug up outside Mrs McBoydie's sweet shop, and there is a man directing traffic in operation. At present he's letting through a bicycle and a pram going north, and there's a queue of 2 vehicles waiting to head south. One is a fish delivery van, and the other seems to be a private car, containing a very buxom young lady. A really fine model with lovely bumpers.
Thank you, Charlie. Well we'll be returning to Lanark the moment we have any more news of the traffic flow there. We go now to Wales, where our reporter Sue Contraflow is watching the line-painters of Abernana. Sue.
Yes, Piers. The Abernana council is out in force today, painting white lines on the road. Perhaps I could describe the technique they're using in more detail. It seems to derive from many 20th century influences. One might mention Klee, or indeed Magritte. One wonders how they put the sign up saying 'No waiting' if they weren't allowed to stop to do so -- clearly a challenge to the viewer there.
O.K. That's enough art criticism, Sue. Any other comments?
Yes, one of the workmen is whistling a tune that sounds a bit like that bit in the Bach B Minor Mass, you know, it goes tumty tumty tum. I think he may be a sacked BBC announcer, possibly Peter Barker-Redingit.
Thank you, Sue. Well our next programme is called Jam Today, in which we broadcasts listeners' requests for highlights of their favourite traffic jam...