If February 4th come, it must be my birthday (along with Norman Wisdom's). My age continues to tend to infinity, and is now 47. Last year there was no quotations quiz from me, as I hadn't read enough notable pieces of literature; however, I am back this year.
So you are invited to identify the following quotations, which are all by people you are likely to have heard of (unless you are a surfing 3-year-old who has arrived here by mistake). All are as originally written, with translation provided as appropriate. As usual, interesting wrong guesses are appreciated at least as much as correct answers, although they will not earn so many marks.
1. I'm tryin' to tell you 'bout this gen'ral election. There's four sorts of people tryin' to get to be rulers. They all want to make things better, but they want to make 'em better in different ways. There's Conservatives an' they want to make things better by keepin' 'em jus' like what they are now. An there's Lib'rals an' they want to make things better by alterin' them jus' a bit, but not so's anyone'd notice, an' there's Socialists, an' they want to make things better by takin' everyone's money off 'em an' there's Communists an' they want to make things better by killin' everyone but themselves.
2. "Ought to have some testimonials," said Sir Ector doubtfully.
"It's usual."
"Testimonials," said Merlyn, holding out his hand.
Instantly there were some heavy tablets in it, signed by Aristotle,
a parchment signed by Hecate, and some typewritten duplicates signed
by the Master of Trinity, who could not remember having met him. All
these gave Merlyn an excellent character.
"He had 'em up his sleeve," said Sir Ector, wisely.
3. In the curious communication he had sent his brother, he gravely declared that while there was obviously nothing morally wrong about picking pockets, he could not reconcile it with his conscience (perhaps, he admitted, a too sensitive conscience) to deceive a kind policeman by giving a false name. He had tried three times, he pathetically declared, to call himself Nogglewop and in each case his voice had failed through emotion.
4. Of the remaining four, two, who grasped their foreheads convulsively, were engaged in solving mathematical problems; one with his face like a dirty window, from much crying, was endeavouring to flounder through a hopeless number of lines before dinner; and one sat looking at his task in stony stupefaction and despair - which it seemed had been his condition ever since breakfast time.
5. And he had trudged through Yorkshire dales, Among the rocks and winding 'scars', Where deep and low the hamlets lie Beneath their little patch of sky And little lot of stars: And all along the indented coast, Bespattered with the salt-sea foam; Where'er a knot of houses lay On headland, or in hollow bay;-- Sure never man like him did roam!
6. "But are the beasts as wise as the men?" said the chief.
"They obey, as the men do. Mule, horse, elephant, or bullock, he obeys his driver, and the driver his sergeant, and the sergeant his lieutenant, and the lieutenant his captain, and the captain his major, and the major his colonel, and the colonel his brigadier commanding three regiments, and the brigadier the general, who obeys the Viceroy, who is the servant of the Empress. Thus it is done."
"Would it were so in Afghanistan!" said the chief, "for there we obey only our own wills."
7. Good again," cried the 'Squire; "and firstly, of the first. I hope
you'll not deny that whatever is, is. If you don't grant me that, I
can go no further."
"Why," returned Moses, "I think I may grant that, and make the best
of it."
"I hope too," returned the other, "you'll grant that a part is less
than the whole."
"I grant that too," cried Moses; "it is but just and reasonable."
"I hope," cried the 'Squire, "you will not deny that the three angles
of a triangle are equal to two right ones."
"Nothing can be plainer," returned t'other, and looked round with his
usual importance.
"Very well," cried the 'Squire, speaking very quickly; "the premises
being thus settled, I proceed to observe that the concatenation of
self-existence, proceeding in a reciprocal duplicate ratio, naturally
produces a problematical dialogism, which in some measure proves that
the essence of spirituality may be referred to the second predicable."
8. 'I arst you civil enough, didn't I?' said the old man,
straightening his shoulders pugnaciously. 'You tellin' me you ain't
got a pint mug in the 'ole bleedin' boozer?'
'And what in hell's name is a pint?' said the barman, leaning
forward with the tips of his fingers on the counter.
''Ark at 'im! Calls 'isself a barman and don't know what a pint
is! Why, a pint's the 'alf of a quart, and there's four quarts to
the gallon. 'Ave to teach you the A, B, C next.'
'Never heard of 'em,' said the barman shortly. 'Litre and half
litre--that's all we serve. There's the glasses on the shelf in
front of you.'
'I likes a pint,' persisted the old man. 'You could 'a drawed me off
a pint easy enough. We didn't 'ave these bleeding litres when I was
a young man.'
9. I be a reg'lar born Christian and my mother afore me, and that's what few gals in the Yard can say. Thomas will take to it himself when work is slack; and he believes now in our Lord and Saviour Pontius Pilate, who was crucified to save our sins; and in Moses, Goliath, and the rest of the Apostles.
10. Je me plaisois surtout aux mathématiques, à cause de la certitude et de l'évidence de leurs raisons: mais je ne remarquois point encore leur vrai usage; et, pensant qu'elles ne servoient qu'aux arts mécaniques, je m'étonnois de ce que leurs fondements étant si fermes et si solides, on n'avoit rien bâti dessus de plus relevé: comme au contraire je comparois les écrits des anciens païens qui traitent des moeurs, à des palais fort superbes et fort magnifiques qui n'étoient bâtis que sur du sable et sur de la boue: ils élèvent fort haut les vertus, et les font paroître estimables par-dessus toutes les choses qui sont au monde; mais ils n'enseignent pas assez à les connoître, et souvent ce qu'ils apprennent d'un si beau nom n'est qu'une insensibilité, ou un orgueil, ou un désespoir, ou un parricide.
[Most of all was I delighted with Mathematics because of the certainty of its demonstrations and the evidence of its reasoning; but I did not yet understand its true use, and, believing that it was of service only in the mechanical arts, I was astonished that, seeing how firm and solid was its basis, no loftier edifice had been reared on it. On the other hand I compared the works of the ancient pagans which deal with morals to palaces most superb and magnificent, which are yet built on sand and mud alone. They praise the virtues most highly and show them to be more worthy of being prized than anything else in the world, but they do not sufficiently teach us to become acquainted with them, and often that which is called by a fine name is nothing but insensibility, pride, despair, or parricide.]
11. And many an Afghan chief, who lies Beneath his cool pomegranate-trees, Clutches his sword in fierce surmise When on the mountain-side he sees The fleet-foot Marri scout, who comes To tell how he hath heard afar The measured roll of English drums Beat at the gates of Kandahar.
12. A vile beastly rottenheaded foolbegotten brazenthroated pernicious piggish screaming, tearing, roaring, perplexing, splitmecrackle crashmewiggle insane ass of a woman is practising howling below-stairs with a brute of a singing-master so horribly, that my head is nearly off.