(with apologies to James Thurber)
"The Engines are on overload, Cap'n," said Mr Scott, the
faithful Engineer, as the Starship Vunderpac lurched dangerously
out of control. "I canna hold it for more than 30 seconds."
"I need 60 seconds, Scottie," replied Captain Mitty, as he
juggled deftly with the controls.
"I'll do my best, Cap'n," said Scottie optimistically.
"It would be a logical precaution to evacuate the bridge,
Captain," observed Mr Spock the Vunderpac's Science Officer with
his customary lack of emotion. "Approximately thirty-one point
zero crew members have now drowned in boiling coffee."
Mitty paused briefly then gave the controls a mighty thump with
his fist. "That should fix it," he said, glaring at the Vulcan
in a vain attempt to forestall comments on the illogicality of
humans.
"Well, are you going to fix the drinks machine, or just gaze at
it all day?" asked Mitty's boss impatiently. Mitty came back to
earth with a jolt and stared at the ugly machine, from which
gallons of boiling coffee were gushing. He gave it an optimistic
kick and was pleased to see that the flow of noxious liquid had
stopped. "What's next?" he asked wearily.
"Patrol the Mond Room, and make sure that everything is in
order. Off you go."
It was five o' clock in the morning, Mitty realised. Surely too
late an hour for anyone but the maddest of scientists to be
working.
"Und here ve haff ze greatest triumph of all, Herr Professor
Mitty," said Dr Frankenstein. "Using only a few cancelled users
kindly provided by the Computing Service as a source of spare
parts, ve haff succeeded in synthesising human life itself.
Igor, activate the experiment!"
The insane Hungarian dwarf whom Frankenstein had chosen as his
assistant threw the switches: electric current began to flow
through the huge form on the couch, which started to stir
awkwardly.
"WEE-BLE WEE-BLE PRO-LOG MICRO-CODE SUB-SCHEMA DDL" it croaked.
"Ach, Himmelfisch!" said Frankenstein. "Vee haffn't created
human life -- it is a C.S.T. student. Turn it off, Igor!"
But the monster had already risen to its feet and with a cry of
"KNAP-SACK PROB-LEM M-L 6052" it strangled the unfortunate
dwarf.
Mitty coolly took charge: he wrenched at the wires, threw the
switches, and then hurled the monster over a nearby cliff, where
it plummeted into the depths.
"Now this user claims that you turned off his terminal, pulled
all the wires out, and then threw him out of the window," said
the Director wearily. "What really happened, Mitty?"
Mitty shrugged and escaped into another daydream.
Jonathan Partington, June 1988