Well I might have been a computer scientist, but they said I was overqualified, 'cos I could spell words with more than two syllables. That's why I ended up as a Security Guard, it really is.
When I was at school, you see, they made us write essays. Not "What I did in my holidays" or "My favourite food" but more literary topics -- "What Nietzsche did in his holidays", "What Plato wanted to be when he grew up", "Proust's favourite food". That sort of thing. Very good essays they were too. Lots of nouns and verbs. A sprinkling of pronouns and adjectives. Well-researched too. Apparently Plato wanted to be an ice-cream salesman when he grew up, but the only account of this is in the essay I wrote.
So then I was interviewed at Cambridge. They have a lot of computers at Cambridge, you see, which made it a natural choice. Lots of famous computer scientists too... like, Roger Needham. Well he told me he was famous. I'd never even heard of him, I must admit. I thought he was a disc jockey or something. Actually I've heard that he is, in his spare time.
Anyway into the interview I went. Bad mistake number 1. I was wearing a suit. All right for Peterhouse. Just about all right for Trinity. Absolutely hopeless for Churchill. I expect you think I'm going to make a joke about anoraks now. Well maybe I will later, if I think of one.
Then they asked me some questions. "What do you think Bill Gates would like for Christmas?" No good, you see. I could have told you what Salman Rushdie wanted, or Sir Harrison Birtwistle -- socks, probably: you should see the holes in the pair he wears at present -- but I'd never even heard of Bill Gates.
Next question. "Who do you think had the better legs, Grace Hopper or Ada Lovelace?" Thwarted again. In vain I reeled off the waist measurements of Sappho and Angela Carter, but they didn't want that. Or maybe I got them wrong.
Anyway luckily there was a job available as a Security Guard. The previous one had resigned after a curious incident involving Barry Landy, a chain saw, and the contents of a Sainsbury's bag found in the User Area. They decided they wanted someone more pastoral this time round. It's always good to have a Security Guard who can quote Wordsworth. There's nothing like Wordsworth for calming an angry mob of users with sticks and bottles. Sends them to sleep in no time. Much better than tear gas.
So here I am. Mind you, I have my regrets. I could have been a great Computer Scientist. A second Peter Crofts. Still this way I do get to see all the great minds of our age. They say that if you wait long enough in the User Area, everybody in the world will pass by and buy a drink from the Vendepac. Last week it was Boris Yeltsin and Bob Dowling, passing through. Well, passing out, actually. Yesterday it was Lady Diana: or maybe Maggie Carr, I must get those glasses fixed sometime. Whoever she was, she said something most unladylike when she bumped into Brian Westwood. Ho hum.
Jonathan Partington, January 1995