(with apologies to Willans and Searle)
Compsci masters are usually faled maths masters. What hapens is they start very keen on maths (ugh) so that there branes go funny and they kno all about Pythagoras Euclid Newton and all the other antients. Then it dawn on them that maths is hard e.g. some probblems unsolved after 2 million years -- tho this exscuse doesnt help when I cant do fractions chiz. So they look round for something easier e.g. plaing games on computters. It also pay better -- Compsci master write softwear in spare time and hav money to spend on BEER.
Compsci was invented by Alan Turnig who was British cheers cheers. He made a computter out of paper tape and since then hav never looked back. Another famous Compsci brane was David Hartly who invented BASIC chiz he neednt have bothered.
In fact Compsci can be quite whizzo really when peason bring in space aliens game na na na na na zapppp wheee and another Treen fall dead cheers cheers especially since he look like fotherington-tomas. Good practise for the reel thing we sa. However Compsci master tend to notice alien screams. He stop in middle of talk about GOSUB and ask what zapppp sound is. "Killing Treens will be no use to you in later life molesworth," he sa. Ha ha. Every boy have an uncle who use computters in later life: systems programer he sa he is but spend all his time avoiding users. Ugh no thanks.
Acksherly I dont see that BASIC hav any connektion with space aliens, nor do I kno what word procesors have to do with it all but it's all Compsci.
Imagine the scene. 2000 BC. Turnig and Hartly are at work. Turnig is killing Treens on a Turnig machine and Hartly is word procesing.
Turnig: You kno, profesor, if I make the computter out of cardboard instead of paper I can kill Treens 3 times as fast.
Hartly: Well Ive procesed three words today alreddy. Time for a brake.
Enter the molesworth-peason elektronic brane. It is nine foot tall and smell of fish since we made it from old sardine tins. It bite Turnig's leg off, stragnle Hartly, and then sit down to drink cofee.
Compsci master claim that computter termminals are very fragil e.g. do not stand on them molesworth take 200 lines chiz. Also do not spill the following things on them:
1. Cofee.
2. Gin hem hem.
3. Fotherington-tomas's blud.
4. Lemonade -- wot master sa when molesworth 2 spill huge 16
course bankwet on termminal I shudder to think.
As for 3, maybe we can elektrokute him without bludshed.
How to get on with Compsci masters.
This is easy really. Type in lots of random formuli, e.g. E=M*C**2, GOSUB 42 and RENAME INFO.MAIL.BUGLIST AS INFO.MAIL.TROMBO.NIST. When programm run it produce 100000000 eror messages. Put hand up and ask master where the bug is. This will impress master with idea that you are keen. Since he hav no idea how programm works this wheeze can last 30 mins. On the other hand it might be easier just to do the exercise e.g. write programm to print "Hello" chiz. Even fotherington-tomas get this wrong his programm print "Hello clouds hello sky". Mine sa "Hello salor" but master is not amused take a detention molesworth chiz chiz.
Jonathan Partington, August 1991