Here is some fairly typical rubbish from the GROAN programme (2 specimens of each GROAN). More will be added later.
ADVENTUR
In "Raiders of the Methodist Philosopher of Luton," you escape the pirate by saying "Zooge," but don't forget to eat the grave stone.
In "Last days of the Golden Vampires of Mars," you escape the spirits in the cornfield by logging on to the computer but don't forget to bury the boomerang.
BABY
My baby is only 1 month old and can already solve quadratic equations, but has the awkward habit of eating crayons.
My son is only 1 year old and can already play the piano, but has the stupid habit of shouting "that's my Mummy" at the sight of a pantomime dame.
BIBLE
If you aren't hairy, then you risk a career setback. Don't offer to chastise people with scorpions, as a refusal often offends. OK, Lord, I'll go quietly. Dial 666 and ask for The Beast.
Crossing the Red Sea isn't as hard as it looks. Don't play it again, Samuel, we want a new song. Follow bright stars, you never know what you might find. If you haven't received a letter from Paul, it's probably in the post.
BLAIR
We shall strive for the notion of universal power allied to opportunity for all.
We maintain the ideal of total renewal in the interests of justice for all.
BOOK
My opinion of "Alice in galaxy" by P.G. Smith (Chapman and Hall), is that, although the early torture scene struck me as the most melancholy in any almanac of planetary motions, the final advice on the growing of lettuces needs to be revised.
My opinion of "Introductory lectures on being earnest" by Arnold Pratchett (Springer Lecture Notes), is that, although the early attack on Buddha struck me as the most sorrowful in any science-fiction novel, the final scene at Toad Hall makes no mention of black holes.
BRIAN
Well Jimmy, the score remained unchanged over the half-time break and even if they get knocked out now, it has to be said that the boys have done great, but the side have played so well tonight we can all feel proud of them.
Well Jimmy, it's a game of two ends and we'll just have to wait and see if they can get the ball in the back of the net, but the last thing England want to do now is let a goal in.
BRIDGE
South bids 4 no trumps, using the Culbertson Forcing No Trump Convention, which asks for exactly 10 points, the king of spades, and a void suit. West raises and coughs meaningfully, to indicate that he has five aces. North is obliged to play in 5 clubs, and begins by drawing trumps before being caught cheating.
South opens with 2 spades, using the Stayman Vulnerable Cue-bid Convention, which boasts at least 15 points, the ten of spades, and strong major suits, East doubles aggressively, to indicate that he has dropped his best card on the floor. North is obliged to play in 6 spades, and begins by revoking before making one overtrick.
BUILDER
Once, when we had a cinema organ fitted behind the back door, the plasterer hid half our books in the rose bushes, and we had no electricity for a year.
Last year, when we had a shower fitted on the roof, the surveyor buried our best carpet behind the sofa, and we had the telephone ringing nonstop for two weeks.
CAMBORE
They had to close the old Barclays Bank it fell down in 1987 you could buy genuine eggs after hours of course Cambridge is now run for the benefit of Trinity when what we really need is a good drinks machine...
It's a pity they demolished the old Bakery it burned down in 1989 you could buy German margarine as an alternative to college food of course Cambridge is now over-run by the University when what we really need is a good petrol station...
CANNOT
I'm afraid that I can't play tennis on Monday because my teapot has fallen into the river.
I regret my inability to go to your lecture tomorrow because my turtle needs a haircut.
COFE
We sort of believe in about one Divine Being, the Aunt Almighty, maker of trouble, and we also approve of Buddha, Mahomet and the sentient Teapot of Metebelis III, and now a big mention for Christ, His sort-of son our Mate, who was possibly even a real person, and born of Mary, not on good terms with the law, was crucified, dead, and buried. However that's not the whole story. A day or two later, as rumour has it, He stopped being dead not literally of course. He seems to have faded from the scene at this point and is traditionally regarded as sitting on the right knee of whoever it was that we were talking about in a mythical sense. And he shall come again one day to annoy both the slow and the dopey. And his kingdom shall have nice comfy chairs. OK?
I quite like the idea of one God, the Uncle or something, maker of trouble, and also Christ, what you might call His pal our Chum, who was rumoured to exist, and born of the Virgin Mary, got on badly with the cops, was crucified, dead, and stuck in this cave. He went missing. The third day, as some still believe, He got better although only in a mythical sense of course. He went missing at this point and sits on the left foot of the supreme God thingy on high. And he shall be back in glory to enlighten both the mad and the dead. And his kingdom shall have no beginning. Share and Enjoy.
COLLEGE
Borgia College, Cambridge was founded in the late 17th century by the Duchess of Paddington. A famous bequest entitles the Senior Fellow to receive a bushel of hay at a ceremony held on November 5th. The next Principal is expected to be Ben Elton.
Llanfair P.G. College, Oxford was founded in the early 18th century by a mad scientist from Wymondham. An eccentric bequest entitles the Head Porter to receive ten gallons of lemonade at a ceremony held before the Matriculation Dinner. The Honorary Fellows include Geoffrey Boycott.
CREED
The Roman Buddhist Faith is outraged by rumours that the Highway Code predicts the eventual supremacy of Mumon, and claims that next week we shall see Damnation.
The Presbyterian Shamanist Church is strongly divided over whether the book of Revelation was dictated by the Angel Gabriel, and claims that the chosen ones have already experienced the sound of one hand clapping.
DETECTIVE
In The Glimpses of the Opal by Ngaio Collins, everyone is shocked to learn that the horse Silver Cray has been done to death with a blunt instrument in the library. Closely watched by Inspector Lestrade, the detective, Reggie Wimsey (who is a skilled violinist and a Bourbon-drinker), takes the next train to Leatherhead, sees the significance of the busts of Napoleon, and identifies the missing heir as the Superintendent, who repents and is forgiven.
In The Murders in the Rue Window by Richard Austin Simenon, nobody knows why Professor Sholto has been done to death with curare on the golf links. To the amazement of the loyal Ricardo, the detective, Miss Lucy Wexford (who is a journalist and writes poetry), performs a detailed chemical analysis, sees the significance of the temperature of the corpse, and realises that everyone in the railway carriage is guilty, even an escaped gorilla, who is, of course, totally insane by now.
ELECTION
The election campaign today concentrated on the issue of public spending. For the Tories, Michael Portillo condemned Nick Brown as a bad-tempered pervert, while for Labour, Robin Cook condemned Francis Maude as a crooked hound. For the Liberal Democrats, Charles Kennedy condemned the attitudes of the other two parties and described Tony Maude as a foolish paranoid. Three new opinion polls were published today: a Mori poll puts the Conservatives 7 points ahead, whereas a National Opinion Poll puts the Labour Party 5 points ahead, and a BATTY poll puts the Welsh Nationalists in the lead by 27 percentage points. The BBC poll of polls, which combines the four most recent polls, puts the Conservatives one point ahead. And now the rest of the news: the Bank of England has gone bust.
The election campaign today concentrated on the issue of public transport. For the Tories, Dr Liam Fox described Tony Blair as a stupid fraud, while for Labour, Derry Irvine condemned Michael Portillo as a bloated swindler. For the Liberal Democrats, Charles Kennedy condemned the bickering of the other two parties and described Ann Maude as a despotic adulterer. Three new opinion polls were published today: a Mori poll puts the Conservatives 3 points ahead, whereas a National Opinion Poll puts the Labour Party 7 points ahead, and a RAVING poll puts the Liberal Democrats in the lead by 37 percentage points. The BBC poll of polls, which combines the four most recent polls, puts the Conservatives two points ahead. And now the rest of the news: the Netherlands disappeared under the sea this morning.
EPIGRAM
According to Cicero: Verbum sapienti quia impossibile est -- Lift up your ears.
According to Horace: Eventus stultorum corpore sano -- Monster with many heads, the irrational life.
FAMILY
Dear All, It's been another successful year for the Blair household. Leelavathi is currently sleeping in a cardboard box in Piccadilly: Richard Branson take note! Adolf looks more like a halibut every day: it all started on the 11.15 to St Pancras! Birtwistle the lizard was stuck up a tree for six weeks. Finally, Pa has now been taken off the sex-offenders register. You must come and visit some time!
Dear People, It's been another amazing year for the Plutonium family. Doris now speaks sixteen languages fluently: of course she's had a little help from the milkman! Fagin will be out of prison next month: I don't think grave-robbing is a healthy hobby for a 10-year old, though! Stibbs the squirrel has turned grey. Finally, Grandad took part in a fascinating phone-in on Luton Local Radio. Happy New Year!
FAYED
The proof is there. The Secret Service were pursuing them on the orders of John Prescott. They fell in love. They making their own decision. Why you set up two criminal organizations, OK during the Cold War, what are they doing now?
I am not going to keep quiet until I have found the truth. American Intelligence committed murder on the orders of Camilla Parker-Bowles. He'd been told what to do, what type of tunnel to take. Everything is organized. Henri Paul's blood was exchanged in the mortuary.
FRINGE
Tomorrow at 2 a.m.: the Mask of Orpheus enacted in Sanskrit with a dead parrot.
Tomorrow at 6 a.m.: Ulysses performed by a mynah bird in a totally dark room.
GREEN
Clean your shoes with Wholemeal Deodorant as recommended by the Friends
of the Peace. Made entirely from tin cans and contains no peat.
Recommended by our pets!
Gargle with Free range Detergent as recommended by the Pals of the Peace.
Made entirely from old bottles and contains no coal-tar derivatives. Spare
the rain forests!
The beingness of the All is the wholeness of being.
The wholeness of the One is the unity of the all.
HAIKU
All white in the spring I taste round stars in the full Look the moth has burstAll bright in the sky I glimpse curved stones in the dusk Bang the child has blown
HELLO
The compliments of the September season, thou ghostly hobgoblin.
Ahoy there, thou renowned ostrich.
HHGGPLOT
The story so far: Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox are attempting to discover the Ultimate Question by request of the DolManSaxLil shoe corporation, who seem to be acting under orders from Slartibartfast. Meanwhile Marvin the Paranoid Android has a pain in all the diodes down his left hand side. With the aid of a bowl of petunias they go into Improbability Drive and escape in a black battle cruiser.
The story so far: Ford Prefect and Trillian discover that the Earth has been destroyed by the Vogons, who seem to be acting under orders from Gag Halfrunt. Meanwhile Marvin is in the car park, parking cars. With the aid of an existential elevator they visit the Restaurant at the end of the universe and discover the long-lost planet of Magrathea.
HOLIDAY
For an unforgettable holiday this year why not try a trip to a health farm in Bosnia?
For an exciting holiday this year have you thought of riding a pogo stick across Afghanistan?
HOUSE
I remember when I moved from Manea to Wimblington the vendor took us to the wrong house no wonder they say it's as tedious as being mugged by the Securicor guard...
I remember when I moved from Manea to Cromer my bank manager leant against our house which promptly fell down no wonder they say it's as stressful as getting divorced three times...
INNOVATE
All-action steam bandage -- for your chair!
Magnetic sensor light vacuum cleaner -- a great new security idea!
INSULT
Isn't it time you decided to dive head first into an ants nest, you knock-kneed bullfrog?
Why don't you sexually assault a gorilla, you insignificant ignoramus?
KAYATTA
You destroy liars, evil men, frauds, deceits and murderen.
The Right Triangle is A PAIR OF VIRTUAL PARTICLES OF MENTAL FABRICATION that must collide and "negotiate" each other.
Let every breathing heart praise praise! Alleluija! -luijas! Allays!
The velocity of pi is not constant.
LETTER
My dear Grandma,
Thank you very much for the ingenious Beethoven poster you sent me
for Christmas. I spent a happy afternoon eating it.
Best wishes for a happy new year,
JRP1.
My dear Friend,
Thank you very much for the very moving box of chocolates you sent me
for Christmas. It was just the colour I wanted.
Love,
JRP1.
LOVE
Precious Goddess,
I endure an eternal penchant for you. Your knees are superlative, oh my
Aphrodite. When I hear you speak of the history of Watford football club I
am driven to throwing snowballs at the vicar. Let me inscribe early
Aramaic poetry on the soles of your feet.
Yours fervently,
Romeo.
Adorable Sweetheart,
I endure an eternal affinity for you. Your elbows are incomparable, oh my
jewel. When I hear you speak of the Midland and Great Northern Joint
Railway I am driven to wearing three pairs of socks. Let me throw
tomatoes at your left knee.
Yours amorously,
Bill Clinton.
MERZ
Any small axe prays loudly,
Each sun yawns squirting.
Your point,
Each bending watch.
Fate's odd face drinks blackly,
Their vase reads mourning.
One horse,
Some speaking star.
MORAL
They shouldn't have eaten the apple. When a lot of strange things are happening, one can find relief by wibbling in Sanskrit. Anyone calling themselves La Belle Dame Sans Merci is not to be trusted. Make at least three mistakes of diminishing magnitude. The Lyke Wake Walk is pretty depressing. Don't despair: for all you know things are getting better. There are different sorts of people in society and they all should behave in a more Christian way.
Always be sure to carry your gas-mask so that you can put it on in a hurry. Someone really ought to build a motorway bridge across Lochgyle. Sir Christopher Wren did not always tell the truth. Only low-grade academics insult Chesterton. Children are too stupid to understand warfare. Physicians should not visit towns in the Severn valley when the weather's damp. Where's the bloke who's been stealing all those aristocrats?
NEWSPAPER
More readers are taking the South China Defender: it has film reviews by Mr Blobby and racing tips from the Pope. However a few years ago they sacked Bernard Ingham for a joke in bad taste about Sir Michael Tippett.
Buy the Soaraway Courier: it has a science column from Myra Hindley and and a children's page by Ayatollah Rafsanjani. However a few years ago they sacked W.F. Deedes for constantly recommending tapeworms.
PAPER
The title of my seminar should be "Partially mixing and locally rank 1 smooth reproducing kernels in $B_0$".
The title of my thesis is "On the number of rational points of bounded height on matrix martingale transforms from a subset of a vector space into another vector space".
PHILOS
Martin Heidegger wondered whether life was nothing more than a depraved platypus.
Kierkegaard concluded that reason resembled a nameless pole-cat.
POLICY
The Manifesto of the National Loony Party:
We intend to bankrupt Trust House Royce, increase VAT on coffins,
sterilize all bald people, and divert all juggernauts through
Inverness and Eton college. We aim to put a virus on the ocean bed
sometime next week. Britain will sign a defence pact with Anguilla,
and as soon as possible we will pass the Drug Abuse Bill which will
change the school-leaving age to 10.
The Manifesto of the Ian for British Rail Party:
We will let the Americans buy United Hotels, impound all heavy lorries,
increase benefits for students, and close all the shops in Inverness and
Aberdeen. We aim to put a maggot on top of Mount Everest after holding a
referendum on the subject. Britain will ban all trade with Bosnia, and as
soon as possible we will pass the Student Fuels' Bill in order to massacre
all children under the age of 84.
PLUTO
The ultimate meaning of pi is the exact number of total subshells within the exact number of shells of 231Pu. This is approximately 22/7. The reason pi is transcendental is because it is our Maker in it's space-- the quantum numbers L and n.
Silent Night, Atomic night!
All is calm, all is bright
Around the protons are electrons
Hadrons Strong Nuclear
Sleep in our electron universe,
Sleep in our electron universe
But if you knew quantum weirdness, quantum strangeness the way I see it, envision it. It is indescribably delicious. Mathematical logic is the dual of quantum weirdness. One cannot exist without the other.
Hypatia rowed her boat ashore, atomhydrogen
Hypatia rowed her boat ashore, atomhelium
Sister helped to trim the sail, atomcarbon
The atom is deep and the atom is cold, atompolonium
Kills the body but not the wave, atomplutonium
The atom is deep and the atom is wide, atomplutonium
Milk and honey on the other side, atomamericium
PRESCOTT
Can I tell him that I make statements when I make them to this House. Nobody else is responsible, I am responsible to this House, no parliamentary, no news spokesman. They will be producing each year their finances and they will be supported, ring-fenced so the report today reduces the confusion. The party opposite planned for a static railway!
But we are now actually taking proper, putting the amount of resources and investment to move what we call extreme conditions which we must now regard as normal. To improve local transport, the principal hypothecation, which no British government has done before. All have a contributory contribution to congestion.
PROVERB
He who laughs last, saves nine. People who live in glass houses flock together.
He who pays the piper goes before a fall. Take care of the pence and the pounds speak louder than words.
QUIZ
Definitely number 8 is from a swashbuckling romance by Salman Rushdie I'm really confused by the Samoan one though I may have more idea when I work out what the unprintable characters are...
Surely number 6 is from a spy novel by James Boswell I'm really puzzled by the Swahili one though I might be able to do it if I search the CD-ROM of English poetry...
ROMANCE
In "True love in the inn," by Catherine Cookson, the heroine, Deirdre Karloff, is in love with Lord Rochester, but they lose each other because of his great wealth. As a result she becomes a dancer and he admits to masterminding a gang of wreckers. However she finally admits that she loves him and they find true love.
In "Romance in the highlands," by Jane Austen, the heroine, Cecily Spencer, is in love with the dashing Mr Hartley, but he is ashamed because of the mystery concerning his first wife. As a result she runs off with the local undertaker and he finds the body of his murdered brother. However she forgives him and all ends well.
ROUTE
My recommended route to East Glavenbridge is to take the number 19 bus as far as Newmarket, fork left at the "Pig and Pirate" public house, turn left at the gasometer alleged to resemble Ethelred the Unready, then follow the arrows.
My wonder route to Lower Fulbrissett is to take the disused railway line as far as Wetherby, proceed straight past the "Burning Puffin" tavern, turn right at the cinema currently showing a film about Attila the Hun, then follow the stream.
SAINT
St Anon of Ruritania. Vapourized A.D. 111, and known for the miracle of the dancing goldfinch. Feast Day: boat-race day. Patron saint of washing machines, omelettes and little old ladies in Blackburn.
St Petroc of Sparta. Joined the Choir Invisible A.D. 17, having been bitten to death by a centurion. Feast Day: whenever you have a spare day. Patron saint of Rotherham, brushes (except toothbrushes) and all things beginning with W.
SCIENCE
Ray Dolby was the first person to determine the speed of sound in strawberry jam.
Rutherford was the first person to determine the dielectric constant of bubblegum.
SHAKESPEARE
In Shakespeare's play Timon of the shrew Juliet dresses up as a man and then falls in love with Polonius, who cries out for a horse.
In Shakespeare's play Two Gentlemen of Measure Miranda cuts off the head of Sir Toby Belch, who is driven out, raging, into a storm.
SORRY
I, JRP1, hereby retract my recent remarks about you. Would you please accept this apology. I feel really bad about it. Relax and enjoy your shoes.
I, JRP1, hereby withdraw what I said about your grandmother. Please let me atone. I won't let this happen again. That's that, then.
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SPART
Er clearly, the bloated regime of Jeffrey Archer has again shown itself
totally uncaring about the plight of the Scottish ambulance driver. As Karl
Gadaffi phrased it: "Today Brent, tomorrow me!" In particular... (Contd. P94)
Er clearly, the capitalist dictatorship of the high street banks has again
shown itself totally brutal towards the plight of the atheist refugee. As
Winnie Scargill expressed it: "Today, the first and last of every Tree
speaks to a drubbing." What is worse... (Contd. P94)
TAEKIB
Yellow Tag pattern, Do Gun (pen-name of a holy admiral): 5 movements, ending with 270 degree face A, left walking stance, obverse side punch. Sidra! Keep your finger and toenails clipped and clean except when asking a question. San Jayoo Matsoki! Self-control!
Blue Belt pattern, Joong Gun (named after a heroic scholar): 21 movements, ending with 180 degree face B, left L stance, low guarding block. Chumbi! No smoking when sparring. Sonkal Yop Chagi! Punch harder, you're being mugged!
TECH
Biotechnologists are ready for the invention of the inflatable gerontogram.
Clive Sinclair is ready for the production of the luminous pornoslotule.
TEST
That reminds me of the sixth Test between Sri Lanka and Australia in 1876 at Trent Bridge. Colin May was out first ball, and Dion Valentine couldn't get the ball to turn and of course Bob Grout performed a memorable stumping. Dickie Bird was the umpire.
This hasn't happened since the first Test between New Zealand and South Africa in 1944 at Old Trafford. Bobby Hutton made a century in each innings, although Fred Bedser caused a second innings collapse and of course Kiran Lowry was playing in his last test as wicket-keeper. England regained the Ashes.
TRIPE
FACT: the Pharaohs have never taken much notice of the written word.
It is a well-known fact that men with beards were buried at Paddington station.
WALK
The Roman North-to-South Event will take place next Thursday -- hitch a lift to Dullingham Hall and walk back, via Plum Pot and the Crafty Fox. If you complete the walk without falling into a ditch then you are allowed to go round again.
The Three Wake Marathon will take place next Sunday -- take a train to Ravenscar Bus Station and walk back, via Missile and the Wimpole Way. If you complete the walk and have visited all three trig points then you are supposed to send a solicitor's letter to Simon Townson of Harrogate.
WHO
In the current Dr Who story the Doctor goes looking for Peri's old gang in Paradise Towers, where he is almost exterminated by the Kandy Man, who had arrived six years previously in the Transmat capsule. As a result, the Kinda cannot find the Gateway and the inhabitants of Necros take up farming.
In this week's Dr Who story the Doctor pursues the Cybermen to the edge of the Sea of Acid, where sinister war games are being organized by Helen A., but almost immediately some space pirates break in. However the Monoids become activated at dawn and Oscar is stabbed in a Granada restaurant after refusing to accept a 20-narg note.
WINE
Ricasoli Beaujolais Site 1985: this acrid purple Korean Moselle is high-spirited but introspective. Best consumed with halibut but inoculate yourself first. It has a flavour of cabbage and mustangs.
Tesco's Chianti Chanson 1984: this sweet green French Burgundy is impertinent but impulsive. Best consumed with porridge but should be shaken and not stirred. It has a fragrance of onions and mustangs.
Updated on November 17th 2004 by Jonathan Partington