I will also say at this point, that in the past I have taken my wife for granted. I assumed that she would always be there regardless of whatever life threw our way. Yes, thats a somewhat arrogant thought, but I justified it because we are a pretty good general match for each other. I am more quiet and introverted where she is extroverted and outgoing. She will charge into anything that needs to be done with gusto while I preach caution and looking at what needs to be accomplished first. She is a very social person, while I am content doing things by myself. We are both sarcastic, though she much moreso then I and we both agree that in life being happy is far more important then all of the toys that you might collect along the way. I laugh uncontrollably at Monty Python and she doesnt get quite the same kick out of it. When I get stressed out, I can simply clear my mind and 'vege out' until the stress bleeds away for me. She cant turn off her mind when something is on it. In many ways we are opposites, but somehow its worked so far. One's strength's have been the other's weaknesses. I am at heart a very private person with my troubles and problems. I dont like to share them with anyone else, regardless how close they may be to me. Yes, I guess I do tend to internalize much of what bothers me in life, but I would rather do that then add to anyone else's own problems in this world.
I would like to think that I try to allow others to make their own decisions and choices in life. As long as they are willing to live with the consequences of those choices. My son is a prime example of this. He knows what behavior is expected from him to an extent. He also knows that when he doesnt behave as he is expected to that he loses some of his privileges. Normally its his video games or his cd's for a week at a time. It's then up to him to decide if that punishment is worth the behavior for him. In my mind, thats treating him as an adult and allowing him to choose his course while being aware of the consequences. When he runs afoul of the rules and the punishment is leveled, he accepts it at that point and will wait it out. Gradually, there has been a bit of an improvement in his behavior even though there are still times we have a blissful week without video games because of a prolonged outburst. As long as he is my child and living under my care, he will be expected to act in accordance with the rules of the house. There really arent many and he does have a lot of leeway in his day to day life. Because we are still trying to mould him into a decent, contributing member of society, I do make known my wishes to him as to how and why he should behave in a certain manner. As he ages, I see myself spending less time 'preaching' to him about what I want him to do and instead quietly guiding him along with his own choices rather then trying to impose my wants and desires onto him.
I know that it can be exasperating, but thats also how I try to treat most adults. I wont spell out what I think anyone else should do. They're adults and more then capable of making their own choices and decisions in their lives. Just as they have the right to make their own choices and decisions, I have the right to not agree with those choices personally even though I wont outright impose my views to those I disagree with. I will be the first person to admit that at times, that doesnt make me a pleasant person to be around. No matter how much something may gnaw at me internally, I wont impose my wants on someone else. They always will have the power to make their choices, regardless of how those choices might effect me personally. Does this desire to give that much latitude blind me in some ways to reality?? I'm sure that in some ways it does. Does it mean that I expect others to be able to read my mind to know what I want?? That's my entire point in this. I dont want others to base their choices and decisions in life on what I want or desire. In my mind, thats subtly influencing their choices. I would much rather a person make their decisions based on what they want, rather than what I would prefer they did. Yes, it very well may mean disappointment or hurt for me, but I would rather endure that, then have anyone else not be true to themselves because of what I want.
What do I want most out of life? Happiness certainly. For me, happiness is much more a state of mind then how many material things a person has. Someone that I can have a shared vision for the future with, or one that can be compromised on. Someone that makes their own decisions and choices in life based on what they want rather then what I want and be true to those choices regardless of what might come about because of them. I am not an easy person to live with and I freely admit that. I dont like letting people really getting 'inside' of my head or heart at times. I've had too much experience with being hurt in the past to continually be able to open myself wide to that possibility again. I dont know what it will take for me to be able to do that again. I just hope that its something that I can find again before its too late to recapture that happiness out there.