The week after the wedding there was internal family problems here that hopefully have been straightened out, but only time will tell. Right now its basically day by day. That may end up being a future post at some point, but right now everything is a bit too fresh to try to write it down objectively. Hopefully when I do get to post it, it has a happy ending....right now I dont know.
The week after those problems arose, I received a call as I was preparing to leave for work one day from my mother telling me that my grandmother was in the hospital and that the dr's felt that she didnt have much time left. I called into work to let them know that if I came in at all that day that I would be late and I explained what was going on. Then my wife and I got in the car and drove down to the hospital to see my mom and check on my grandmother. When I walked into the room, I immediately noticed a large difference in her appearance from just the previous week when she was admitted for falling at home and breaking her kneecap. I came down with my mother then to show her pictures from the wedding because she was too ill to attend. She couldn't vocalize anything, but as we showed her the pictures, she would occasionally point a finger gnarled with severe arthritis to a picture and grunt as my mom or I would confirm the name of the person in the photo. She was on pain medication for her knee and that made her very sleepy, almost coma like as she lay there. Now, returning the next week, I was struck by how tiny she looked laying there in the hospital bed. She was never a large woman. She was always thin, but very independent in her life. Since she broke her hip two years previously much of that independence was taken from her as she had to rely on my mother to come down every day to help get her up out of bed, cleaned up, dressed and fed. That is something that privately had to eat at her. Now in the hospital bed, she was dwarfed by the pillows and eqiupment that surrounded her. She had previously told my mother that she was so tired and that she was more then ready to go when its her time. There was to be no attempts to bring her back if her heart stopped beating. Her head was bent to the side, her mouth frozen in an almost perfect "O". I took my mother who was emotionally and physically drained down to get something to eat and my wife volunteered to sit with my grandmother until we returned. I could tell that my mother was exhausted. She had been my grandmother's primary care giver for the last two years and it had taken a lot out of her. When we went to return to the room roughly 45 minutes later my wife rushed out to meet us and prevented us from entering. She tearfully told my mother that she passed away quietly about 5 minutes prior to our arriving back at the room. It was as if she didnt want to leave us while my mother was in the room with her. We said our goodbyes to her and then left. As we left the hospital, I expected my mother to be sad, but what I saw more on her was a sense of relief. Her mother told her that she was tired and that she had been ready to go for quite a while so in that way there was some comfort to be found that she went peacefully when she wanted to. My sadness is that my kids never really got to know what it was like to sleep over at my grandmother's growing up. A lot of laughter and sugar toast that now only live on in my memories.
On the heels of my grandmother's funeral was my 20th high school class reunion. I purposely avoided attending any previous type of reunion because it would not have been enjoyable for me OR anyone else while I was still married to my ex wife. I was looking forward to seeing friends that I grew up with but havent seen in such a long time. I am not generally much of a social butterfly, so I was more then content to sit back in the corner at the table and watch everyone else interact. I guess I'm just a sociologist at heart. At first, there was people going up to others that 20 years ago they wouldnt have spoken to and hugging. As the evening wore on, the old groups and cliques began to show as was expected. It was fun to see how some people changed either by addition or loss of hair and weight. There were a few people that looked vaguely familiar, but I couldnt quite place. The few friends that I was most interested in seeing didnt attend, but I maintain contact with them via email, so its not as if they are lost to me but it would have been nice to see them in person again. Maybe for the 25th reunion in a few years...... Or perhaps they'll attend the annual picnic I try to organize during the summer. Even though I didnt do much mingling I really had a nice time and I find myself looking forward to the next reunion now matter how many years off in the future it might be.
All of these happenings over the last month, my brother's wedding, my grandmother's passing, personal problems at home and the class reunion all had me looking back much more then I usually do. Old memories were dusted off and relived for the first time in years. Looking back at most of those memories, whether they were of my brother, my classmates or my grandmother, I am fortunate enough to say that many of the memories are happy ones. I dont believe that its because I block out unpleasant memories, but because growing up I tried to put myself in situations and surround myself with people that made me happy. For the most part, I succeeded. The good times have far outweighed the bad so far. Its surprising how much control as individuals that we truly have on our own happiness in life. In a way it was good to be able to have this time to look back and realize that simple truth right now. Too many people dont realize that. Now I can reaffirm for myself my desire for greater happiness for the rest of my life here, no matter how long that might be. Why dont you take the time to do the same for yourself?