I dont want to be famous in life. Famous people lose their anonymity far too easily. I dont want to be filthy rich either. If you dont work throughout life, you cant appreciate the self satisfaction of completing something well done. Having said that, I wouldnt complain about any major lottery win that would come my way.
I guess that as the years pass I begin to think about my own mortality. Earlier this year, I suffered from some heart palpitations that scared the crap out of me. I could literally feel my heart pounding away with no rhythm in my chest and the lightheadedness that followed. The Dr's have found nothing concrete to explain the condition, so I have learned to an extent to live with it. That along with the assorted aches and pains as I age make me realize that I am not going to be here forever. None of us are. Because of this we have to make the best use of the time that we have.
I try to be the best father to my kids that I can be. With working odd hours many times I am not as much a presence in their lives as I would like to be. When I am present, I dont want to have to be playing referee either. I am sure that often times the kids see me as choosing sides with my new wife over them. The truth of the matter is that I dont want a house hold similar to what they grew up in with constant arguing and fighting between their mother and me. At times, that means rules and, ~gasp~, enforcement of those rules here. As a result, I get seen often times now as being mean, unfair and choosing my wife over my kids. Sometimes a guy just cant win.
As I said at the top of this post, I dont want to be famous, but I DO want to make a difference in people's lives. So far I dont feel that I have done that. My being here has not made much difference in anyone else's life outside of my immediate family. I dont know if its just a manifestation of my "White Knight Syndrome" or what, but I truly want to be able to help others and make a difference if I can. Because of that, I often times dont feel completely fulfilled as a person.
My ex wife curses me for ruining for life. My kids believe that I chose my current wife over them. My present wife came here from Illinois two years ago to be with me. Because of this, I feel partially responsible for her only seeing her daughter for two months of the year during the summer. Granted there was a threatening situation there, (more about that in future posts) but that doesnt change the fact that she came here for me. I also feel somewhat responsible based on her writing to me, for what happended to Jennifer.
Well, I hear the kids upstairs moving about, so thats about it for today. Thanks for listening to my ramblings here today. Looking forward to next year's Birthday post already. Hopefully it will be of a more positive nature.