I plan to write here about my sleepless nights. Did I sleep tight last night? What did I feel when I can not sleep? Why did I sleep well? and so on...
September. 2001 - From that day, my unforgettable nights started ��
Unpredictable, unexpected�� how terrible! My mother��s sudden death threw me into despair. Why should she drive her car that day? I found on reflection that she looked too pale that morning, but I did not speak comfortable words to her�� For her funeral, I could not weep my dead mother. I could not sleep. I could not accept reality. It was just like a dream��I should wait for her��
October. 2001
Yes�� She stays next me�� I decided to think that she just took a journey. In the long run, I will be able to meet her. She appeared to me in my dream. Sometimes she was like a real person, and sometimes she was like a ghost. After I started from nightmares, I could not sleep again��
November. 2001
My face and body started to swell. At first, I thought this was because of a restless night. But, so strangely, as time goes by, without any reason, I felt tired, a sharp pain in my stomach and I had a strong pain in my head. My strength grew faint. So strange. I was weak in body from young, but not that much! I could not endure anymore. I finally had a blood test. Doctor told me that I was hypothyroidism. What��s that? He explained about that disease. In that period, I needed someone to talk. I was lonely. My father and younger brother looked nice�� I could not tell them my inner fear, my despair,,, I was first daughter so I should be strong anyway�� I told my situation to my doctor. The cause of my sudden sickness was stress.
December. 2001
Winter came. So cold�� It was exceptionally cold that winter. I,,, desperately wished for peaceful sleep. I,,, truly wished my mother��s whisper ��Sleep tight~��
Janurary. 2002
The worst has come to the worst�� My sleep pattern started to change. First of all, I failed to get to sleep at night. I tried a thousand times. But I couldn��t. I didn��t know why. During daytime, I always felt tired. I just got exhausted. That month, I did not sleep for 3 weeks!!! I would rather die��
March. 2002
Time passed without any change. I knew that everything depended on my mind. But who does not know that? I tried and tried. Semester started. Anyway I went to school. It was the hardest time. It was a common affair for me to skip classes.
April. 2002
My sickness was getting better. Still, I woke up at night.
June. 2002 ~ December. 2002
I decided to study Design. I always wanted to draw since I was young. But all the situation did not allow me to do that. I went to an artists�� studio. In there, I prepared my portfolio. I expressed my feeling into my drawings-the meaning of death, my mother, my life, my family�� Only the time when I was there, I was happy, I could forget everything. I met some good people. They were like my counselor. For their help, I more and more adapted myself to my situation. Preparing to apply to SVA(School of Visual Arts-the school that I wanted to enter) and going to school at the same time was physically difficult. I should do TOEFL, slides(portfolio) and other documents. But I was happy. ��Finally I came to study what I want!�� Anyway, I received a notice of entrance~~!!!!!! To tell the truth, I was so exhausted. Everyday was like a hell. (��.��) Why? Anyone who do not sleep even one night, he will not want to take a rest. Maybe he stays at home all day. But I even was not sleepy in daytime, I was always haggard. The problem was my sleep pattern. Doctor said that time and peace of mind would be the only way�� Actually I could not blame him. He was not a psychiatrist. Outwardly, I seemed not to have any problem. But at night, I could not hide my worry of insomnia. Whenever I get to sleep, my heart beats like a bomb, my head hurts and finally I get out of my bed. Even when I sleep barely, I was troubled my nightmares. I ,,, really, would rather die�� No one will understand me. My family did not understand me. They said that I was strange. They did not help me�� They did not hear me��
January, 2003 ~ February, 2003
New Year has come. Time passes like an arrow. As others do, I wished that I would be able to spend this year peacefully and joyfully. Fortunately, the product of my hard work reduced some of my worries. At least I found what I want to do. I convinced that in my own my sleepless nights will disappear and I take a rest. But the reality did not set me free. I still was a EWHA student. I didn��t want to give up this school. To graduate, I had to stay here one more semester. Moreover, 6 credits were short. So I took a winter class. It was so hard to me. My illness gets better but I was still unhealthy. I also cannot sleep well when I am extremely exhausted. In this situation, I am troubled by nightmares. More and more my fatigue built up.
March, 2003
Last semester started. How could I endure? Actually I am better physically in comparison with last year although still insomnia annoys me. The problem is this: Loosing enthusiasm for my study in Korea. I should study Just for graduation. I needed something to relive stress. So I started swimming and dancing again. Swim is one of my specialties. It makes me feel catharsis. Every morning 6 o��clock, I went to swimming pool. It is not easy but, to reform my sleep pattern, I chose to get up early. First, it was physically hard. I felt fatigue all day long. After 2 weeks, I could see the development of my strength. To go out at 5:50 am, I tried to sleep at least 9 of 10 o��clock. Even though I have a broken sleep, anyway I sleep from 9 to 2 o��clock. I became energetic as time goes by.
April, 2003
Classes were not easy. Lots of homeworks, presentations, reports gave me another worry. Moreover, midterm exam stroke me, too. Time was not enough to sleep at this time. Sleep pattern became spoiled again. Stress and worry hit my head every night. I knew the cause was worry. I tried to forget everything related to school and my condition after sleepless night. There was a book that helped me. The title was ��How to stop worrying and start living�� written by Dale Carnegie. One of my professors recommended students who had mental anguish. It tells that the worry spoils everything and introduced lots of cases. It does not offer any exact ways, but easily makes ease people��s anxiety. To tell the truth, it is not necessary to take in my situation as a stressful thing. For the better future, I am doing this. A settlement will reach if I do what I should do in this moment. Just concentrate on ��right now��~!!!
May 4, 2003
After midterm exam, I could take a rest for a while. For a few days I was happy. When did I feel this emotion? I could sleep early at night because there wasn��t something to do~!
May 14, 2003
I need entertainments. I want to enjoy my time talking with friends, going to the movie theater and drinking. But all these things happen at night. Then, I cannot sleep early. How can I do?
May 16, 2003
For days, I met people. In result, my regular life twisted again. Why I cannot sleep at night? This is not merely a matter of worry. So strange��
May 20, 2003
I should submit a dissertation to a university for graduation. I have never studied hardly my major. That means I do not have any acknowledges. Another worry started again.
May 27, 2003
For 2 days, I wrote my dissertation without sleep. Actually it did not take a long time to make out. Deciding topic and collecting data was difficult. I am so tired. Today I would be able to sleep. Now I am in the worst condition.
May 28, 2003
Yesterday, I slept well. How happy I am? lease,,, tomorrow is just the same as today.
May 29, 2003
A serious thing happens. I should meet people. Actually I don��t want to lose my joy of being with people whom I like. Forgetting the concern of tomorrow��s schedule, I decided to spend the moment for my pleasure.
May 30, 2003
Staying the night, I spent the day meaninglessly. Time is too precious to spend for such a thing- sleeping during the daytime. At night, I could not sleep again. Now I got sick of it! I talked with my brother. He sleeps very well. He told me something. ��I do not think any unnecessary things. Sometimes I do not want to do everything. But some time I should solve the problems that assigned to me! To think too much about my worry does nothing but waste of time. I don��t do such a thing.�� He was right. He just does his best at any moment. But that will be possible to me?
June 8, 2003
Final exam started. I really want to take a rest, but at least for next week I should do study and homework. Finally I lost any interest to everything- even eat something. I am afraid of next week.
June 13, 2003
Final exam finished. But I am still doing remained homeworks and reports. Nothing would be worse. This week I could not sleep. But, I thought. After today, I can enjoy peaceful days, even though next week summer class starts. Yes,, I do not know when will I be able to escape this Insomnia. But worrying does not provide any answer. Be brave~!!!
