A lady walked up to them, smiled and cleared her throat. “Welcome to Mars!” She beamed. “You can look around in just a minute, but first I need to sort out some paperwork with you, like which side of the planet are you wanting to live on and so on…”
Jess frowned. “I knew I should have read that handbook more thoroughly.”
“What are the options?” Hannah asked the lady.
“Well, you could live on the left side of the plane…or the right side.”
“Oh.” Hannah paused for thought. “Right or left?” She looked around at the others. “Right or left?!” She turned back to the lady. “Is one side better than the other?”
“No, they're both equally nice with similar amenities.” She replied.
“Which side are you going to pick?” Hannah asked Keanu.
“The opposite to whatever YOU pick.” Keanu replied.
“Bugger it.” Hannah sighed.
“Well someone pick a side.” Jess said impatiently. “Which side are you going to live on, Billy?”
Billy shrugged. “Are the two side very far apart?” He asked the information lady.
“Well…they're a fair way apart…” She started thoughtfully.
“Great.” Smiled Keanu.
“Which side are you going on, Jess?” Hannah asked, excitedly.
“Opposite to you.” Jess replied. “Which I guess puts me on the same side as you.” She said happily to Keanu.
“We're going to be on the same side, right? Keanu?”
“I'd rather not strain our relationship, Brian.” Keanu replied.
“Oh.”
“Where would you like me, dear?” Dom inquired.
Jess shrugged.
“We should go on the same side, I think.” Billy said to Dom.
“Sounds good.”
“OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!!” The woman, who had been patiently waiting until now, erupted. “IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL!!”
“Ok,” Jess squeaked. “We'll all go on the left side apart from Hannah and Brian here…they'll go on the right side.”
“Alright then…” The lady wrote this information down in her book, gave them all room key cards and walked off, pleased to leave the group behind.
Everyone stood around rather guiltily as Hannah stood whistling the Mars theme from Holst's 'The Planets', not seeming to be taking much offence to the 'side-of-the-planet' decision.
“Right…let's go find our rooms.” Keanu advised.

“FABulous!” Brian burst into his room and bounced on his bed. “A little leopard skin here, a few whips and manacles there…it'll be PERFECT!”
“Blimey.” Said Hannah. “I'm glad we're not sharing a room.” She turned to walk back into the hall, leaving Brian to his sick fantasies.
She looked down at her card-key and read the number 729 written in silver on the red plastic. She looked up at the numbers on the doors and found her room. Tentatively, she opened the door.
The room was large but fairly bare, with plain matching pine furniture.
“Huh. They could have had the decency to decorate it in purple.” She muttered, stomping through to the en-suite bathroom. It was fairly spacious and had a huge bat/jacuzzi as well as the usual toilet, wash basin and shower.
“Not bad.” Hannah turned back to step into her room and gasped.
The wallpaper, which had previously been a neutral beige, was now a deep purple, and the curtains, bedclothes and throw over the low sofa were a gorgeous lilac colour.
“WOW!” Hannah gaped at her room. “That's incredible!” She looked around shiftily, then opened the bathroom door again.
A half-naked surfer dude with bleached blonde hair and a surfboard and a surfboard stood next to the jacuzzi clutching a towel.
“Need a towel, mate?” He asked, hopefully.
Hannah slammed the door on the Aussie and pressed her back against it.
“Blimey.”
She thought really hard for a moment then flung open the door to the bathroom again.
“Alright, mate?!” The surfer dude looked up again.
“Damn!” Hannah cursed. “Why aren't you Silverchair?!”
“Silverchair? I LOVE THEM!” The surfer exclaimed. “They're the best band EVER!”
“Yes, but why aren't you them?”
“Why aren't I Silverchair?” The surfer looked very perplexed.
“Yes!”
“Well that's just stupid! There are three people in Silverchair!” He said, then seeing the look on Hannah's face added. “But I could be Silverchair, if you'd like?”
“Yes! YES!” Hannah clapped.
The surfer dude put down his surfboard, but fortunately still kept hold of his towel. He dropped to one knee and started to sing: “I'M WATCHING YOU WATCH OVER ME…AND I'VE GOT THE GREATEST VIEW FROM HERE!!!”
“Please, stop killing Silverchair.” Hannah ordered.
“Sorry.” The surfer got back up and had the decency to look sheepish.
“What's your name?” Hannah asked.
“Tim.” Tim answered.
“Ok.” Hannah stood back and surveyed him. “Yeah, you're good enough to be my friend – come join me in the living room-“ Time went to follow her. “-and for God's sake put some clothes on.”
Tim blushed and shut the bathroom door.
Hannah walked back into the main room which had now become nicely partitioned into a living area, a small study area behind some cloth partitions and her bedroom separated from the other rooms by mosaic glass walls. The room also had lots of oriental touches to it. Hannah looked around amazed until the phone she didn't know existed rang. She hunted for it and picked it up. “Hello?”
“HANNAH!” It was Jess. “The ROOMS!”
“I know!” Hannah exclaimed. “How?”
“Well, I must have been wanting an explanation because a book appeared telling me that the room has feeling sensors, so whatever you need, it'll do!”
“Cool.” Hannah smiled.
“So what's your room like?” Jess asked, curious.
“Purple…with a random Australian surfer.” Hannah paused whilst this sunk in.
“Radical.” Jess said sarcastically.
“Uh-huh. Yours?”
“Blue.”
“Yes, I expected that.”
“Yeah. And there's a lot of books…”
“That I also expected.”
“Yeah…and there's a giant statue of Sean in the middle of the room-“
“WHAT?!”
“I know. The weirder thing is, it's made out of sushi.”
“Blimey.” Hannah was impressed. “That's really gonna smell in a few days time.”
“Nah, it won't last that long…” Jess said with her mouth full.
“Sounds cool, your room.” Hannah commented.
“Yours sounds cool too.”
“Yeah.”
“Fancy coming over to listen to Silverchair CDs?”
“Sure!” Hannah paused. “Can I bring Tim?”
“Who?” Jess asked, confused.
“My Aussie guy.”
“Oh. Sure.”
“Cool! I'll be there in five.”