“I can't believe we're negotiating with a terrorist!” Keanu muttered.
“I KNOW! How COOL is THIS?!” Brian squeaked.
Suddenly a door flew open backstage and Zane came in.
“Oh, SMEG.” Jess hid behind Dom.
“You have a connection with importance?!” Zane bounced up, looking excited.
“Well, it's slightly random…” Sean started.
“Random can be good.” Zane noted.
“Yes, well,” Sean said quickly. “It all started a long time ago…” Dreamy music started up from somewhere. “Back in the days when the grass was green, the skies were blue and the summers were long and hot-“
“Get to the point.”
“Sorry. Uhh, well, my best friend went out with one of George Bush's daughters.” Sean smiled hopefully.
“Oh.” Zane looked rather downtrodden.
“I could give you his phone number if you want?”
Things in the field backstage were starting to get really windy when a helicopter appeared and dropped down nearby. The doors opened and George Bush and Tony Blair stepped out.
“Is this 10 Downing Street?” President Bush drawled.
“Cancel that phone number!” Zane exclaimed. “Zane's going to get famous!!”
“What the hell are they doing here?” Jess exclaimed to Hannah.
“I dunno…must be a convenient plot twist.” Hannah said.
Zane ran up to the two world leaders and shook Tony Blair's hand vigorously.
“Hello, there, Mr Blair! I'm a big fan. A big, BIG fan.”
“Hello, there, fella-“
“Shut it, George, I'm not interested in you.” Zane snapped. “Now, Mr B…do you need a new spin-doctor? Or deputy? Or anything?”
“Er…my cabinet's pretty full at the moment, young man.” Tony said politely, trying to extract his hand from Zane's vice-like grip.
“Let the poor dude go!” Jess ran up and pushed Zane out of the way. “Sorry about that, Mr Blair.” She shook his hand.
“Hello, there, Missy-“
“Shut it, Bush, you ignorant ignoramus.”
George shut up again.
“So, anyway, Mr Blair…thinking of resigning anytime soon?”
“Jess, get away from him.” Hannah demanded.
“But HANNAH! This is my chance to become Tory Prime Minister!”
“NO! Back away from the world leaders.”
“Arse.” Jess stomped off.
“You've got to help us.” Brian said to Tony. “This crazy dude's gonna blow up the festival unless you let him take over the world!”
“Oh. I see.” Tony looked rather taken aback. “Well, that's a bit of a pickle, eh? Eh?!” Tony laughed heartily.
Hannah turned to Jess and looked apologetic. “I'm sorry I ever doubted that you could become Prime Minister. If this is the intellect required you could do anything you want.”
“Thanks, love.” Jess smiled appreciatively.
“Someone's trying to blow up the world?!” George's eyes brightened. “Is it Saddam? Is that bitch, Saddam?!!”
“No.” Jess said, fed up. “It's Zane Lowe.”
“Who's he?” George asked, frowning. “Is he in the Al Quaeda?”
“No.” Jess said.
“Oh.” George looked like a small child who'd just had his novelty balloon popped.
“We'd better let him take over the world, George, don't you think?” Tony inquired.
“Nah. I'll nuke him!” President Bush hopped from foot to foot excitedly.
“We've had this discussion before George, nuclear weapons are not solutions.” Tony scolded. “No, I think we'd better let the chap in.”
“Aww.” George stamped his foot and went off to sulk behind an amplifier.
“Honestly,” Groaned Tony. “It's like trying to parent some spoilt child.”
“I know the feeling,” Dom sympathised, indicating to Jess, who had stamped viciously on Billy's toe when she had been told she couldn't be Prime Minister.
“Well, what do you want, exactly?” Tony asked Zane. “What are your terms?”
“My what?” Zane asked, blankly.
“For GOD'S sake!” Jess moaned. “Let ME do it! I'VE got terms! I'd be a great fascis- erm…fantastic leader!”
“NO!” Hannah yelled at her.
“ARRRGH!” Jess kicked Billy in the shin in anger.
“OW!”
“Look, I want to be RICH. And control stuff. And not have to do any work.” Zane said.
“You want my job?!” George asked, panicking.
“You may think that the U.S. is the world but I can very much assure you that from living on the outside it's not!” Zane exclaimed.
“Hmm…” Tony rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Well spoken…nice hair cut…respectable…unfortunate accent, but maybe we could deal with that.”
“I don't need your help!” Zane said with disgust written all over his face (no, really, Hannah was bored and was writing on him). “I just need you to give me the position of President of the World!”
“I see.” Tony said thoughtfully. “Well, I guess that's a good deal.” He stretched out an arm. “You're on!!” Zane and Tony shook hands.
George, tuning back into the conversation, looked worriedly at the situation. “Oh no, Tony, you didn't make a deal did you, because you know you're crap at them!”
“No! It's ok!” Tony defended. “The deal is that Zane here is going to be President of the World!”
“And what do we get in return?!!” George insisted.
“Uhh…” Tony looked stumped. “Zane!!”
“Oh, darn it.” George rolled his eyes.
“Great. You do realise you've quite possibly destroyed the world?!” Keanu scolded Tony.
“What? We haven't joined the Euro YET!” Tony replied.
“I don't mean the EURO, you idiot! I mean letting HIM be President of the WORLD!”
“IT SHOULD BE MY JOB! MINE!” Jess yelled, being restrained by four hobbits (she certainly wasn't complaining).
Zane strode out onto the Carling Stage and shouted into a microphone.
“PEOPLE OF READING! I AM YOUR NEW RULER!”
“Get off! Put the Darkness on!” People started yelling from the mosh pit.
“FROM NOW ON, I SHALL BE RULING YOU. BECAUSE I AM YOUR RULER, AND I SHALL RULE.” He declared.
“Jesus. I've heard more coherent badgers.” Jess muttered.
“Control yourself, Jess, he's President of the World now.” Sean warned her. “He could do ANYTHING to you!”
“Are you still married?” Jess asked.
“Yes.”
“Aw, hell.”
“Why?”
“Uhh…peanuts.”
“Pardon?”
“Don't you think they're too salty today?”
“Yeah, but-“
“And the packaging…people flaunt them too much. I mean for God's sake they're only peanuts.”
“Yes, but I…er…” Sean, extremely confused, had now forgotten what conversation they had been having to begin with. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Great!” Jess ran off to Billy.