"Next question!" The presenter continued.
"Jesus, give me a BREATHER!" Hannah said, trying to dry herself on Jess's jumper.
"What was the colour of the carpet in the lift that took you up from the centre of the Earth in Book Three?"
There was a silence.
"Um..." Hannah frowned. "Er...right. Ok. We...we can get this." Hannah was determined to get the question right and avoid another challenge.
Jess, however, was P*SSED.
"What colour was the carpet in the lift from the centre of the Earth?" She repeated, with as much scorn as she could muster.
"Jess...Jess, DON'T get p*ssed." Hannah warned.
"The COLOUR of the GOD-DAMN CARPET?!" Jess erupted.
"Jess! NO!" Hannah yelled, with all the gusto of Elijah Wood in a scene in 'Fellowship of the Ring'.
"F**KING POLKA DOT YELLOW WITH GREEN STRIPES AND...AND...AND..."
Hannah put her head in her hands.
"...AND A BLOODY FUCHSIA RUG!"
There was a silence.
"A square one." Jess added, in a very small voice.
The silence continued.
"That's wrong." The presenter said. "The rug was round."
Hannah broke down completely.
"Jess, you must undertake...the HOBBIT challenge!"
The audience cheered.
The wall behind them split apart again and revealed a pit of lava.
"Ok..." Jess began, regarding it. "Fine SO far."
"All you have to do is..." The presenter continued. "Is pick WHICH hobbit you want to SAVE!"
Suddenly four ropes appeared from the ceiling. Attached to each one was Elijah, Billy, Dom and Sean.
"Oh. Sweet. Jesus." Jess breathed.
"Quickly, now!" The presenter said. "Wait too long and the toxic fumes will eat through the ropes and ALL of them will die!"
Jess dissolved into a puddle of tears.
"It's ok, J...everything will be...ok!" Hannah reached across and patted Jess on the back with her 'GO JESS!' banner.
Jess, confused and upset, allowed herself to be moved over to the front of the rock edge before the pit of oozing lava.
"Hello Jess, my love." Dom, Jess's fourth father, looked down at her with a sad face. "This is a difficult time for us all."
"WAAAAAAAA!" Jess collapsed.
"No, Sam..." Elijah, aka Frodo, started to cry.
"Oh, sod you." Jess got out a gun and fired a round at the rope above him. He disappeared with a 'plop' out of sight.
"JESS! APOLOGISE to Elijah!" Dom ordered.
"Sorry." Jess hung her head in shame.
"That's better."
"I saw HIM!" Billy announced.
Sean burst into tears.
Jess looked panic-stricken from one hobbit to the next.
"You have five seconds left!" The presenter suddenly announced.
"Oh...NO!" Jess ran in circles, distraught.
"THREE!"
"Oh-"
"TWO!"
"-bloody-"
"ONE!!"
"-HELL!"
A siren sounded and all three hobbits looked at Jess, open-mouthed.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Jess ran forward and leapt high into the air, trying to grab all three of them.
Instead, she fell into the pit of lava and disappeared through the other side with a satisfying 'pop!', landing in a simple lounge onto an armchair next to Elijah who was eating a peach.
"Alright, Jess?" Elijah greeted her.
Jess looked shocked.
A door in the room opened and an alien with a clipboard walked in. "You're requested back on stage, Miss Jess."
"But..." Jess looked up at the now obviously fake layer of lava (which had a Jess-shaped hole in it) and back at Elijah again.
"Peach?" He asked, holding out a sticky hand.
"Er..." Jess was about to decline politely when some aliens came and bustled her through a door and back up some steps onto the stage.
"Oh, thank GOD!" Hannah ran up to her. "I was so WORRIED!"
Jess and Hannah had a quick reunion cuddle. The audience 'aaaawed' and a small, suspicious-looking group sitting at the back of the studio wearing 'slash-fans' t-shirts cheered and took some photos.
"And now, for your final question." The presenter alien said.
The audience fell silent.
"I don't WANT another question!" Jess protested.
The presenter ignored her. "What happened to the cricketer Nathan Hauritz in Book Five?"
There was a deathly silence.
"But...but...NO ONE knows that!" Hannah exclaimed in horror.
"The clock is TICKING!" The presenter said, enthusiastically.
"Oh, CRAP! We're SCREWED!" Hannah sobbed.
"Noooooooo..." Jess smacked her head against Hannah.
"No? TIME'S UP!" The presenter smiled. "It's time for the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE."
"I do NOT like the sound of this." Jess gulped.
Suddenly, walls rose up from out of the ground around them, forming a maze. Before they could react, they were completely enclosed.
"Oh, BALLS!" Hannah swore.
"Release...the MEN." The presenter called out. From inside the maze, his voice was muffled.
"What was that?" Hannah asked. "Bill and Ben?"
"No, it was 'It's half-past ten', wasn't it?" Jess asked.
Suddenly, a figure rounded the corner.
"PATRICK!" Jess squeaked. Sure enough, Patrick Marber rounded the corner.
They heard footsteps behind them and turned around.
"KEANU?!" Hannah cried, spotting her man. The ground shook beneath them as several pairs of footsteps approached from every direction.
"STEVE!"
"JIMMY!"
"CHRIS!"
"JOSH!"
"What the hell is Frank Lampard doing here?!"
"BEN! DANIEL! CHRIS!"
Jess froze, knowing what was coming.
"Oh, TITS."
'BAMF!'