Jess was standing in her bookshop at the counter, idly working her way through the collected works of Dickens. Suddenly she heard a soft 'BAMF!' and she looked up from her book excitedly.
“BAMF! BAMF! BAMF…ha ha ha-“
“You BITCH.” Jess looked away from Hannah and back to her books.
“No, listen, I have a plan. I'm sorry about the 'BAMF'ing thing, I couldn't resist it.” Hannah dragged a huge pile of Aldous Huxley over and sat on it.
“I don't want to hear it, Hans. You've already dragged me up into space.”
“You'll like it.”
“Huh.”
“It involves KU-URT.”
Jess looked up and narrowed her eyes.
“Go on.”
“Ok. I want Grant and you want Kurt. I don't know WHY you've passed up on your previous taste of conservative, middle-class, university-educated, boring old FARTS for blue mutants with teleporting capabilities, prehensile tails and pointed ears, but that's YOUR lookout. The point is, we can HELP each other. My plan can help you get your blue babies.”
Jess closed her copy of Oliver Twist.
“Go on.” She repeated.
“Right, this is the part where I need your help.” Hannah said.
“Hans, did you actually think of a plan or not?”
“Maybe…” Hannah said suspiciously.
“YES or NO?”
“Y…O!” Hannah ran out of the shop.
“Typical, bloody typical.” Jess tutted.
She heard Hannah's distant footsteps stop suddenly then start quickly again getting louder. She appeared at the doorway. “Ok, wait-“ She held out her hand and a look of enlightenment appeared on her face. “-we find other men.”
“No.” Jess didn't want anyone else unless they had blue skin, prehensile spines and tails, which frankly narrowed it down.
“Hear me out, Jess.” Hannah ordered. “I reckon the reason why our 'men'-“ Hannah did quote marks with her fingers.
“Stop being prejudiced!!” Jess screeched. “Just because he's a mutant.”
“Quiet, Jess.” Hannah thought hard, yes, this plan would definitely work. “We are centring all of our attention on the two of them since there's no one else interesting around. Therefore – to show just how independent, thoughtful and loveable we really are – we get some other men to feign interests in. It would help if they liked us, too, since if they returned some interest it would give Grant and Kurt a kick up the arse-“
“Or tail.”
“Indeed.” Hannah smiled. “Well, what do you think? Nothing has to happen – it's just healthy encouragement.”
Jess looked rather sceptical.
“Come towards the light, Jess…don't abandon yourself to torture!”
“Quit patronising me.”
“Sorry.”
There was a silence as Jess thoughtfully considered the scheme, all the pros and cons of it and just what she would ask Jamie to cook her for dinner.”
“Alright.” She said.
“GREAT!!” Hannah clapped.
Just then there was a ring of a quaint bell as the door to Jess's bookshop opened. It was Natalie.
“Just thought I'd let you girls know that I'm starting a super-CD sale tomorrow – 50% off all albums and 25% off all singles.” She smiled deviously and closed the door, walking off down the road.
“Damn her.” Growled Hannah. “Ok, my sale will consist of me paying the customers to buy my stuff! That's MINUS prices! Beat THAT, Natalie-bitch!” She screamed out of the door.
“Hans, please. This is a nice, respectable bookshop.”
“Sorry.” Hannah tapped her feet idly for a moment. “Have you got an erotica section?”
Jess looked shifty. “Yes.”
Hannah ran off to investigate in hysterics.

“This'll NEVER work. It's bordering on the SAD.” Jess sat on a bar stool at the Orion 4000's main bar, the 'Bottoms Up'.
“Look, we'll attract two GORGEOUS men and then Grant and tail-boy-“
“KURT.”
“-and Kurt will turn up and get uber-jealous and declare their undying love for us.” Hannah looked smug.
“How do you know they'll turn up?” Jess asked, sceptical.
“Because I pushed anonymous notes under their doors telling them their secret admirers would meet them here.”
“HANNAH! That's just SAD!”
Hannah ignored Jess and looked around inspecting the wildlife.
“Can I have an orange juice, plea-“
“NO!” Hannah shouted at Jess. “Cancel that.” She said to the bartender.
“But I'm thirsty!” Jess moaned.
“TOUGH!” Hannah snapped. “If we sit here without drinks we're just inviting guys to come and order us stuff.”
Jess groaned and shifted uncomfortably on her stool. Her arse really didn't appreciate this form of seating.
“This is Orion 4000. We are warning you that the public will be arriving tonight rather than tomorrow. No reason. Thank you!” The tannoy switched off and everyone went back to their drinks apart from Jess and Hannah.
“This is even more ridiculous than anything!” Jess hissed. She looked around idly. “No one round here is even remotely attractive.”
“Shut up and smile.”
Jess clenched her teeth together in what she hoped was more of a grin than a grimace.