“Why has Chris just called me in tears?”
“Um…was that a rhetorical question?”
“NO.”
“Well…he only got me a sports car and 3 bottles of perfume…Jess got me Nathan Hauritz.” There was a silence.
“What the hell are you talking about?!”
“I had to choose who I was going home with and-“
“You bastard! Do weddings mean NOTHING TO YOU?!”
Hannah considered this. Daniel and Natalie's marriage certainly meant squat to her. And her marriage to Chris…well…she had Nathan now.
“Hannah?!”
“Look, Daniel – this isn't my fault. If your stupid friend had got me Nathan Hauritz then maybe things would be different.”
“You're such a bitch!”
“Correction, Dan. I'm a British Bitch.” Hannah hung up.
“Problem.” Said Billy, tapping her on the shoulder.
“What?”
“Your phone interfered with the controls. We might crash.”
“Oh, BALLS, CACK, B****CKS AND PANDA PORN!” Hannah screamed.
The seatbelt sign pinged on.
“Arse to that.” Hannah said, standing up and banging her head on the overhead compartment. “Bollocks, ok maybe for a minute.” She sat down and rubbed her head. “Ok!” She got up and stormed up the aisle.
“Told you so.” Jeered the air hostess who Hannah had pushed down the plane earlier. “Now we're going to die and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!!”
Hannah poked her. “I certainly won't be worried if you die.”
She stormed up the plane and past the first class people who were panicking what with the plane wobbling about and all.
“It's FINE! You'll all LIVE! Just a technical hitch!!” Hannah cried. She walked into the cockpit, took one look and walked back out again. “We're going to DIE!”
“Hannah, what are the odds of this?!” Jimmy ran out behind her. “I can't fly planes and I'll kill you on the way out…what a good deed for my cousin!”
“How did you kn-?”
“Word gets round the Joannou family quickly, lady. This'll be the last time you'll mess with us!”
“You bastard!” Hannah squeaked. “Jess! JESS!” She went over and shook the (still lifeless) figure of Jess. She opened her eyes slowly.
“Hmm?”
“Jess, don't panic or anything but…THE PLANE'S GONNA CRASH!”
Jess sprang up off Dom's lap.
“What?!” She staggered to her feet. “Oh, Jesus Christ!”
“You could have waited until she got over the concussion.” Dom said to Hannah, annoyed.
“It was either wake her up or let her DIE, SO SORRY if I had to interrupt your bonding session in order to save her LIFE!” Hannah dragged Jess along the aisle and into the cockpit.
“Resistance is fut-“
“SHUT UP JIMMY YOU JOANNOU BASTARD!” Hannah smacked him in the face and he fell down, unconscious. “RIGHT! LET'S SAVE THIS PLANE!” Hannah said, grabbing hold of the steering stick. “We've done it once and so help me we'll do it again!”
“Actually we just jumped out and left everyone to die that time.” Jess reminded her.
“SHUT UP, JESS!” Hannah gazed around the cockpit. “Right. We can level out the fuel levels in the left and right-“
“NO!” Jess commanded. “NOT again. We've established that that plane doesn't WORK!”
“ARSE” Hannah pressed a random button. A red light started flashing and a horn squealed. “DAMN!”
Jess shook her head sadly.
“Looks like we're done for.” She sighed. “Well, I might as well make myself comfortable and prepare myself for the worst.” She sniffed. “If you'll excuse me, Dom's lap is calling me.” She walked down the plane and settled herself back in her seat. “Billy, could I borrow your phone?”
“Sure.” Jess took his mobile and began dialling.
“NO PHONES ON THE PLANE!” The hostess yelled.
“We're going to die anyway!” Jess muttered at her. “Hi? Sean? This'll sound weird but I'm about to die and there's something I wanted to say…”
Back in the cockpit Hannah was trying to save the day.
“How do you fly a plane?!” She exclaimed to thin air. “Damn! I knew I should have listened in school!”
Jimmy who was lying on the floor of the cockpit looked up dazed.
“Jimmy, can you ACTUALLY fly a plane?”
Jimmy thought for a while – there were many ways to answer this question, but he thought that times like now demand the truth. “Yes…I mean, no. Sorry, force of habit.”
“Right, bring me a double espresso and my mobile phone.”
Hannah randomly searched for a guide or a user's manual of some sort. Unfortunately, nothing.
“Shit. Ok, Hannah – deep breath. There's got to be some logic to this…like a game of chess. GOD I hate chess!” Jimmy ran back in with Hannah's mobile and she snatched it.

In Chris's farmhouse, north of Newcastle, Oz, the answer phone clicked on. “Chris! It's me…Hannah, before you switch me off I'd like to say I really do love you, it's just that I love about 5 men in this world and unfortunately for you, I've met all of them. I'm about to die. In a plane crash. It's all Daniel's fault for ringing me so blame him. You can annul the marriage. I'm nearly out of credit…speak to you soon…oh, sorry! Maybe not…” The answer phone clicked off.