In the freshly air-conditioned airport, Jess, Hannah, three hobbits, Prince William and a member of Silverchair sat in the departure lounge awaiting their plane. Chris was under the false impression that him and Hannah were going back to Australia but he was actually the only one with a Qantas ticket. If only 'Hello!' was around to see the spectacle, I'm sure they'd have a word or two to say.
“The 7B094 flight to London Heathrow will be departing in 10 minutes.” The loudspeaker announced.
“That's us!” Said Dom happily.
Jess, Elijah, Billy, Hannah and Wills leapt up.
“Flight Q10796 to Newcastle, Australia will be departing in 7 minutes.”
“THAT'S us.” Said Chris, getting up and grabbing Hannah.
“No - I'm going to England!”
“Australia!”
“ENG-ER-LAND, CHRIS!”
“You're coming to Oz with ME!”
“No I'm not!”
“Yes you are!”
“No I'm not!”
“Yes you are!”
“I'd just like to point out,” Said Jess, leaning in towards Dom, Billy, Wills and Elijah. “Should I ever enter into a relationship and be called upon to take part in an argument, they would be MUCH more original than this.”
“CHRIS! I LIKE it in England! I'm not totally uprooting to live in Australia!”
“But we're married!”
“So? That doesn't mean you own me!”
Chris pulled up Hannah's sleeve and pointed at her arm triumphantly. There was tattooed the words 'Property of Chris Joannou (and possibly Daniel Johns)'
“Ah.” Hannah looked sheepish. “I wasn't aware of what I was doing at that point in time, what with being slightly drunk.”
“I'd also like to point out,” Jess said again to everyone not involved in an argument. “I'd never get into that situation since I wouldn't be stupid enough to poison myself.”
“Hannah hasn't poisoned herself,” Said Elijah.
“With ALCOHOL!” Jess said slowly.
“Oh dear.” Elijah looked at the floor, remembering the day of his 21st birthday, loud and not-so-clearly.
“I don't know what to do!” Hannah whimpered.
“Ha-HA! So there is a chance for you to come to Oz with me. Admit it,” He pushed his face closer to hers. “You want to come with me.”
Hannah looked at the sexy beast that was Chris.
“Not really.” In a brighter tone of voice she added: “Though I would like to see Daniel.”
“Well, FINE…” Said Chris, feeling ever so slightly pissed off but pleased he had found something that would entice Hannah back down under. “Come to Oz so you can see Daniel.”
“Sounds good.” Hannah snatched Chris's Qantas ticket. “Yoink.”
“Oh, that's REALLY nice.” Said Jess. “Years of loyal friendship and madness and you abandon me!”
“Well…yeah…” Hannah took Jess's BA ticket. “You're right.”
“HANNAH!” Chris pointed to his wedding ring crossly.
“HANNAH!” Jess pointed to her wedding ring equally crossly.
“Where the hell's that from?”
“Las Vegas. Remember? You were drunk, I'd had too many tomato juices…”
“OH. I've got an idea!!” Hannah clapped excitedly. “You pull his arm…” Hannah handed Jess her right arm. “…and you take this arm…” She gave Chris her left arm.
“What are you doing, Hannah?” Chris said, waving her arm around.
“Hang on, this is a good idea - promise.” Hannah stuck her right leg in Jess's direction. “ok, now you take that, Jess and-“ Hannah hopped her left leg over towards Chris. “You have that.”
“Now what?” Chris looked up from holding Hannah's left leg and arm.
“PULL!!!”
Jess and Chris dropped Hannah in disgust.
“This clearly isn't going to work.” Jess moaned.
“I'VE GOT IT!!” Dom cried. “Ok, both Jess and Chris go shopping. Whoever gets Hannah the best present gets to have Hannah go home with them.”
“DEAL!” Chris ran off into the distance as fast as his sandals would take him.
“Why did you say that!?” Jess asked Dom angrily.
“Well, surely you know Hannah better than Chris does since you've been best friends for AGES. Therefore you'll know what she'd want best.” Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Yes, but Chris has thousands of pounds.” Said Jess.
“Ah.”
“You're CRAP!” Jess erupted, stomping off.
“I've tried so hard to be a good father!” Dom cried.
“There there,” Billy patted him on the back as he sobbed into his shirt.

Jess was grumpily sifting through the racks in HMV hoping that Silverchair had managed to release an album without anyone (not least Hannah) noticing that she could buy.
Suddenly she heard an Aussie voice behind her say:
“Any copies of 'Frogstomp' left in there, mate?”
She turned around to see someone she recognised – Hannah had had pictures of him all over the wall of her room in their 'JANGO!' flat – it was Nathan Hauritz, the Aussie cricketer.
“Wow! Could you do me a favour?”
“Erm…sure, yis!”