The next day, Hannah
stumbled out of her bedroom half awake to find Jess already up
and BBC News 24.
"Turns out Tony Blair is going to accept that offer
that was made by the chancellor of the exchequer."
"How interesting." Hannah yawned, en-route to the
kitchen.
Jess eyed her. "And Rolf Harris is going to blow up South
America with twenty two fully ammunitioned kangaroos."
"Yes, it was, wasn't it?" Hannah disappeared in the
kitchen and reappeared ten minutes later after having had fruit
muesli and Soya milk, a grapefruit, a banana, an apple, 10
strawberries, a Yofu yoghurt, 2 bits of toast with marmalade and
a packet of peanuts.
"Had enough to eat?" Jess flicked the station over
randomly.
"Not really. What's on?"
"Nothing."
"Great." Hannah thought of what she had been planning
to say all evening. "I calculated that if we go to work
today and work from eleven 'till six, we can each make 70 pounds.
Which put together makes…"
"120 pounds?"
"No, 140."
"Damn, my maths-fumbled brain." Jess scowled.
"Think what we
could buy with that!" Hannah exclaimed.
"Like what?"
"A flat?"
"Got one." Jess replied.
"An internal computer system?"
"You've got one!" Colin called from the kitchen, where
he was controlling the coffee machine.
"A…pet crocodile?"
"Hannah, for God's sake," Jess rolled her eyes.
"Where would we keep it?"
"In the bath?"
Jess smacked her around the head.
Suddenly a laser beam shot out of a wall and hit Jess between the
eyes and she fell down on the floor.
"DON'T TOUCH MY FIANCEE!" Colin yelled, his monitor
appearing next to Jess' body.
She struggled to her feet and rubbed her head.
"Hannah! Since when were you marrying the internal computer
system?!" Hannah looked sheepish.
"Um…since I wanted breakfast in bed and bribed
him."
"Oh, GOD!" There
was a silence.
"I think we should get some money since we've already eaten
all of the complimentary food."
"Hmmm." Said Jess. "Eating isn't all that
important." She thought. "Maybe we could replace eating
with sleeping, then we wouldn't realise when we were
hungry."
"Or maybe I could turn you into computers – then you
won't need food." Colin cackled.
Hannah hit him in the monitor. "Or not."
"We can find some money, somewhere." Jess looked in the
sofa, but all she found was five peanuts and a 2 pence piece.
"That's your dinner sorted, Hans."
"Maybe we could dip into your college savings?"
Jess gave her a murderous look and she dropped to the floor. "Wow, that hasn't happened
before."
"So…what are you going to do?" Asked Colin.
"I can't have you both dying on me." He thought for a
moment. "Well, not Hannah, anyway."
"Let's find the nearest Maccy D's." Hannah headed for
the door.
"I hope you're JOKING." Jess snorted.
"Um…no."
Jess crossed herself.
"It's The Ivy or NOTHING." She sat on the sofa
stubbornly and folded her arms. Her stomach rumbled loudly.
"Oh, sod it, let's go to Burger King."
Two diet cokes, large fries
and veggie burgers later, Hannah and Jess were full and their
arteries were suitably clogged.
"Ah." Hannah drained the last of her drink and
hiccupped. "That's more like it."
Hannah pulled her mobile out of her pocket to check for messages.
She was greeted by Colin's face on the screen.
"Hi!"
"ARRGH!" Hannah knocked her drink over. "What are you
doing here?"
"Just keeping an eye on you, my fianc�e." Colin
smiled.
She shoved it back in her pocket and sighed.
"Why do nutcases always end up following me around?"
"Well, I'd like to say that it's not your fault but frankly
you bring it on yourself."
Hannah sucked on her coke.
"How much money have we got left?"
"2p."
"Great." Hannah said sarcastically.
Hannah's coat pocket started to vibrate and Colin's voice
unwelcomly sounded out of it, albeit slightly muffled. "I
can get you money, I have access to codes beyond your belief! I
can buy you the world-"
Colin's voice was now muffled by Hannah's arse. "Let's take
that job."
"I told you, I don't serve people." Jess moaned.
"Yeah well, just see this as doing the community a
favour."
Jess gave her a look which appeared to say 'pull your head out of
your arse and take a look around'. Amazing what faces can do
these days, isn't it?!
"Oh come on, perks come with every job." Hannah
exclaimed.
"Yes, but they probably don't involve toilet brushes."
"It's gotta be
better than sitting here begging." Said Hannah. A man walked
past and dropped a coin into Hannah's empty cup. "Ooh,
20p."
"Since when were you begging?"
"I guess I just look like a beggar." Replied Hannah as
an old woman dropped a fiver in.
"Stop it!"
"It's not me!" Two more men went past and
dropped in some change.
"HANNAH!"
"I can't help it!"
"Jesus, all we need is a dog on a piece of string and a
small grubby child and they'll move us on." Jess muttered.
A policeman munching on a Whopper came past.
"Excuse me, young ladies, but do you have a licence to beg
on these premises?"
"Oh, CRAP!" Hannah
screamed. "I mean, do you have a licence to search me?"
"HANNAH! This is NOT the time or place to live out sexual
fantasies!" Jess pulled her out of the restaurant followed
shortly by the policeman.
"Come back! My boss'll kill me!"
Hannah stared at him holding her fries. "Oh, sod that."
� Jess and Hannah 2002