"Hi!" The
computer displayed a smiley face. "I am your internal
computer system – COLIN."
"Colin?" Jess was stunned. The screen backed away from
her a bit so she could see it better.
"Yes. Computing Oriented Linked Internal Network.
COLIN."
"Oh…hi, Colin…" Jess backed down one end of
the sofa.
"Are you the person who won the 'JANGO!' competition? I was
told you were coming."
"Yes…I'm Jess, and the girl in the bedroom is
Hannah."
"ARRRGH! JESS! THERE'S COMPUTER WITH A FACE ON IN
HERE!" Hannah came running out.
"Ah. I see you've met my bedroom extension." Colin
displayed an amused face on-screen.
"Um…Hans…this…is…Colin." Jess said
helplessly.
"Do you do the
cleaning?"
"That and 2,562,872.5 other useful household jobs."
Colin replied.
Hannah backed off and ran back into the bedroom.
"What was the '.5' referring to Colin?" Asked Jess,
genuinely interested.
"Making jokes."
"Oh dear God." Jess tried to fall down the back of the
sofa, but neigh, this was no longer book three…thank God.
"So how come the stairs squeak? Bit of a fault."
"Actually, I think you'll find that they're highly
home-welcoming. That's what the survey of 2 people said."
Hannah ran out of a door. "There are three bedrooms, three!
What're we going to do with the third?"
"What do they think we are? People who are likely to have
friends?"
"I was hoping I could talk to you both about that."
Colin interrupted. "Since you don't have any friends, could
I possibly-"
"No Colin, you're sleeping on the couch."
Hannah bounced on one of the beds and accidentally knocked
Colin's bedroom extension cable. The screen in the living room
fuzzed.
"Oh my God! Colin? Are you ok?" Asked Jess. The screen
displayed a picture of a cat. Jess smacked the monitor and it
turned into a picture of a lemon. "Oh, way to go, Hans
– you've buggered up the internal computer system and we've
only just GOT HERE!"
The screen flickered for a moment and then went green.
"Colin?" Hannah ventured over to the screen. "I'm
really sorry about that, are you ok?"
"Dear God, that was amazing." Colin's voice came out of
the monitor which displayed a heart. "You've touched my
wires in a way no one ever has before, Hannah…"
"Oh dear God!" Screamed Jess.
"Good," Said
Hannah. "Now go out and buy me some flowers."
"Hannah, it's a computer."
"My name's Colin, I tell you. Now, I can order them over the
internet my love."
"WHY?? WHY!?" Jess screamed to the
ceiling, head in hands.
I have a broadband connection." Jess walked out of the
bedroom and slammed the door.
Half an hour later Hannah
and Jess had come to blows over what to watch on Sky Active. They
had decided to watch something that neither of them liked so as
to be fair. It was some sort of local entertainment programme.
"'So tonight's show concluded that there is nothing to see
if you go to Venezuela. And on next weeks show…'"
"This is seriously boring." Jess yawned.
"Shall I change the channel for you, Jess?" Colin
changed the TV over to BBC Parliament.
"NOOOOOO!" Hannah buried her head under the cushions
and started fitting. The channel miraculously flicked onto MTV.
"OI!" Jess was annoyed.
"I'm sorry, Jess, but I have to please Hannah."
"Why?"
"Because I love her." Colin paused for thought.
"And she says she'll pull my plug out if I don't."
Jess sighed.
"Hannah, blackmailing the internal computer system was bad."
"I don't care." The doorbell rang. "Ooh! That'll
be my flowers!" Hannah ran off down the stairs.
"You do realise this is a waste of time – you'll
never be able to consummate your relationship, because she's
human and you're a computer."
"Oh, you'd be amazed at modern day technology, Jess."
Colin went misty-screened.
"Oh, God." Jess ransacked her brain for something to put Colin
off with. Unfortunately, all she could think of was several
hundred birth and death dates of famous comedians. Where was her
brain when she needed it?!
Hannah bounced up the stairs with a large bunch of expensive
flowers.
"These are lovely, Colin!! How did you afford them?"
"I stole Jess' credit card."
Jess looked in her bag. A few seconds later, she replied –
"YOU BASTARD!"
There was another ring of the doorbell and Hannah ran down the
stairs which had begun to sound like Beethoven's Symphony Number
9.
Jess tried to turn the TV over but the control didn't work.
"Don't make me break your fuse!" Jess threatened.
Hannah opened the door. A lady in a trouser suit and a tall,
grumpy looking photographer stood outside.
"Hi. My name is Fenella Monkeyshines. I am the PR Manager at
'JANGO!' and we would like to make sure you are settling in ok
and take some publicity shots."
"Oh…ok, sure!" Hannah opened the door for them and
ushered them upstairs.
"If you'd like to pose on the sofa." Fenella looked
bored. VERY bored.
"Hang on!" Hannah ran off to the bathroom to check she
had nothing stuck in her teeth or anything suspicious lurking out
of the her nose.
"Who are you?" Jess stood up.
"We're from the PR department at 'JANGO!'." The lady
put a hand on Jess' shoulder and pushed her back onto the sofa.
"Please sit down for the photo."
Hannah reappeared from the bathroom, having changed into a slinky
little black dress, had a manicure and doing her makeup.
"Jess, move over, hunny." Hannah collapsed onto the
sofa and looked up at the camera man seductively. "I'm ready
for my close-up, Mr Photographer."
"Go ahead, Dwayne." Fenella ordered. Dwayne began to
snap at Jess and Hannah.
"Make them good," Fenella warned him. "We need to
sell these off to pay everyone's redundancy money."
There was a
'rat-a-tat-tat' at the door that made Jess and Hannah sit up with
excitement.
"It's gotta be the next important character in The
Book!" Hannah said.
"Maybe it's someone we know already…" Jess said
mysteriously.
"Maybe it's Steve Coogan. Maybe God got pissed off with him
hanging onto his thigh all the time."
Jess ran downstairs followed shortly by Hannah causing imitation
that even Bach would have been proud of. They opened the door. A
woman stood on their doorstep with a clipboard.
"Hi!" She smiled enthusiastically. "We just
watched you move in and we'd like to offer you a job in our
fantastic, state of the art hotel!"
Jess and Hannah looked at each other in suspicion.
"What are you going to appoint us as? Managing director?
Head of finances?-"
"Head chef?!" Hannah squeaked.
"Uh…actually, waitressing and odd jobs." She
replied shifting from foot to foot.
"What odd jobs?" Hannah asked.
"Just things like cleaning toilets etc."
"Bollocks!" Jess screamed.
"Exactly!" The woman enthused. "You've got the
idea!" She handed them her clipboard. "Start
tomorrow?"
"You can shove your clipboard where the sun don't
shine." Jess snapped.
"Oh, hang on Jess, maybe we could start there. Because
nobody ever suspects the waitresses. Ever." Hannah grinned
evilly.
"I am not demeaning myself by working for poxy
hotel-goers." Jess declared. "I don't SERVE
anyone."
"We're paying you 10 pounds an hour." The woman said,
with a fixed smile.
"I'm not some sort of scullery maid- what?!" Jess' ears
pricked up (literally. It was quite amusing to watch). "10
pounds an hour?"
"Yes. We really need the staff at the moment. We had
time-shares in a production company that has recently gone bust
so we need to keep everything running smoothly at all
costs."
"Oh, which company?" Asked Hannah, innocently. Jess
trod on her foot.
"They produced a game show called 'JANGO!'. You may have
heard of it…?"
"NO." Jess stepped forward. "We haven't
heard of it, and we most certainly had nothing to do with its
going bankrupt." Jess ushered the photographer, PR woman and
lady from the hotel out of the room and down the stairs.
"Now if you'd all like to leave…that'd be fab…go
on…yes, that's right. Bye now!" Jess slammed the door
and slid to the floor. Hannah appeared at the top of the stairs,
as did one of COLIN's extension monitors.
"Well, that was rude."
"SHUT UP, HANNAH!"
� Jess and Hannah 2002