Jess waited impatiently as
the makeup lady took off the last of her foundation.
"Um…excuse me…are you gonna do MY makeup?"
Jess asked.
"Do you own." The lady spat at her. "Because of
you I'm out of a job."
"What? Why?" Jess was surprised.
"You scooped top prize. We're completely bankrupt. 'JANGO!'s
over."
The woman sniffed and ran out of the room.
"I wonder what our apartment's like." Hannah mused.
"Who cares?" Jess muttered. "We didn't need an
apartment. We needed money, or pasta…or something."
"It might be really nice."
"That's irrelevant! It's USELESS." Jess thrashed her
arms about a bit for effect. "USELESS!"
"Well we could move in and then sell it for millions."
That dampened Jess' fire.
Suddenly the dressing room door swung open and a man in a
business suit and half-moon spectacles walked in clutching a
briefcase.
"Right," He started. "We're selling you this
flat-" He handed over a picture, "-And you'll have no
bills on the house to pay, for example electricity, gas
etc-"
"What about water?" Hannah interrupted.
"Yes, that too. And-"
"What about lights?"
"That's included in electricity-"
"What about food?"
"STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS."
There was a silence.
"What about window cleaners?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Mortgage?" Jess asked.
"I was trying to avoid mentioning that. Yes, we're paying
for that too. Stop bloody rubbing it in."
"Where is this
place?" Asked Jess, as the man left the room. "Hello?
HELLLLO?" The door slammed. "Shit." Hannah sighed.
"Still…our own home, eh? For free!"
"Sharking a house with you. Great." Jess put her
head in her hands.
A woman stuck her head around the door.
"The limo is ready."
"LIMO?" Asked Hannah.
"Yeah- you'll pick up your stuff at your old house, then go
on to the apartment."
"Oh." Jess raised a hand. "Um…where is
the-" The woman held the door open.
"Move along, please, the car is waiting."
"But where is the ap-"
"The CAR is WAIT-TING." The woman repeated.
Jess and Hannah left
'JANGO!' in the back of the limo, watching several cranes with
demolition balls take out the entrance before half of the staff
had even had a chance to get out. Their drive back to their house
was a quiet one with no eventful occurrences other than Hannah
gradually getting herself worked into an excited stupor and Jess
getting herself worked into the sombre depths of depression. By
the time they had arrived back, Hannah was cheerfully offering
Jess some of her pills whereas Jess was respectively declining
feeling that it wasn't worth wasting them on her life.
"Who'd have thought I'd have got to where I am in life with
my inferior brain?!" Hannah said, "That was what I
meant, wasn't it Jess, Jess?"
"Yes,
Hannah." Jess peered out of the window. "Do you know
where we're going?" Hannah shrugged. Jess looked up front.
"I'll ask the driver." She hauled herself up to peer
over the seat in front. "Excuse me, but do you know where
we're going?"
"Oh, hi, Jess." It was Jimmy.
"Oh, GOD!" Jess wasn't pleased to see him.
"You don't sound pleased to see me." Jimmy commented.
"I'm NOT." Jess regained her composure. "Look,
Jimmy, do you know where we're going?"
"To your new apartment, courtesy of 'JANGO!'."
"I KNOW, but where IS the ap-"
"Ooh, look at the view!" Jimmy interrupted as they
drove past an old derelict house – another one. Jess slumped
back in her seat.
"Why won't anyone tell us where the hell this place
is?!" Jess asked Hannah. But Hannah had disappeared.
"Hans? Hans?!"
Jess looked up to see Hannah in the front passenger seat.
"Mmm…Jimmy."
"Get back here you whore!!" Jess grabbed her by the
scruff of her neck and yanked her back over the seat with a yelp.
Jess looked out of the tinted windows to see the derelict houses
turn into derelict tower blocks, turn into taller tower blocks
and flash company tower blocks.
"Looks like we're in a city." Jess said.
"Looks like we're in the city." Jimmy called from the
front.
"Shut up and drive, Jimmy." Jess snapped, wondering
what city they were in.
"How did you manage to answer that first question about the
Pyramids, Hans?"
"I learnt it off the Fountain of Knowledge." Hannah
announced.
"What, the library?" Hannah looked at her in horror.
"No, the TV." Hannah fell asleep before Jess could ask
her another question. Jess tried to preoccupy herself before
Jimmy started to talk. She tried to play I-Spy before realising
that what she had spied had gone past half an hour ago.
Hannah was snoring a
tune and slowly nodding towards Jimmy. Jess peered out of the
window again and tried to establish what country they were
in.
"What did that sign say?" She exclaimed, leaping up and
looking out of the back window.
"Nothing."
"It can't have said NOTHING Jimmy."
"Could have."
"Couldn't."
"Could."
"Couldn't."
"COULD."
"COULDN'T! I BET YOU THREE HUNDRED POUNDS IT COULDN'T!"
"Alright, you're on!" Jimmy screeched to a halt and
reversed the car. "What does it say?" He asked, braking
again.
"Um…no parking." Said Jess. Damn! Her plan was
foiled!
Jimmy drove on again.
"Where's my 300 pounds?" Jess smarmed.
"The sign said nothing." Jimmy exclaimed.
"It said 'No Parking'!" Jess cried.
"Exactly."
"Not exactly! 'No Parking' is an essential sign to have that
relays an important message to be taken into consideration
especially on motorways so WHERE'S MY 300 POUNDS?!" Jess
shrieked.
"UP MY ARSE!" Jimmy sarcilly responded.
"Why Jimmy, that's a strange place to keep it…"
Suddenly blue lights and a siren flashed and wailed
(respectively).
"I'll pull over to let this police car through because I'm a
NICE person, unlike some…" Jimmy commented,
pulling over. Surprisingly, (for Jimmy), the police car pulled
over behind him and a police man got out carrying a baton. Jimmy
opened the window and poked his head out.
"Would you like some help with directions, Mr Police
officer?"
"Stop trying to be clever, Mr Jimmy Joannou." The
officer said.
"Oh…crap."
A pair of men in pink catsuits leapt out of the back of the
police car.
"These men have been looking for you."
"Oh…God, no!" Jimmy locked all the doors.
"You're still on the run?" Hannah asked, aghast.
"Um, yeah."
"STILL?"
The policeman calmly smashed the window and dragged Jimmy out of
it by the throat.
"Don't worry about me, Hannah…" Jimmy said calmly,
as he was dragged down the road. "I'll be fine…you just
keep driving…the directions are in the glove box!"
Jimmy disappeared into the police car and the door slammed.
"Oh, bollocks." Hannah reached into the glove box and
pulled out a sheaf of papers. "Well, here we go."
"NO." Said Jess, remembering how Hannah had run
over two Aussie bushmen and a playwright the last time she had
driven a limo. "I'LL drive."
� Jess and Hannah 2002