It was late afternoon when Jess and Hannah arrived at the 'JANGO!' studios. The imposing building was painted bright red and had a giant axe above the door.
"Oh…Jesus." Jess looked up at the monstrosity. The monstrosity looked down at her and said:
"What do you want?"
"Go away, Jimmy." Jess scowled and headed for reception. Hannah held on to Jimmy's trouser leg and got dragged in.
"Why are you entering into this game show? It's almost near-certain death!" Jimmy said to Hannah.
"We felt like we needed something to do." Hannah shrugged.
Jess walked up to the desk and pinged the bell on the desk – in response a bucket of water fell onto their heads.
"Wet t-shirt contest!" Hannah jumped up and down in excitement.
"You win." Jess grumbled, ready to shout at whoever worked behind the desk whenever they turned up.
"OI!! GITS BEHIND THE DESK!! I'M HERE IF YOU WANT ME TO SAVE YOUR BLOODY COMPANY!" Jess screamed.
A bored looking lady turned up and drawled in a monotone: "Welcome to 'JANGO!', the house of fun and games and poor Korean slaves, how may I help you? (This will not affect your statutory rights in anyway and if you're John Leslie, no you can't present this show)."
"Um…no, actually we're here as contestants." Hannah explained, still wrapped around Jimmy's ankle.
"Oh. Sorry." The woman handed Jess and Hannah a name badge each.
"Hey! You spelt my name wrong!" Jess whinged. "There's only TWO 's's in my name!"
"Think yourself lucky. MY badge says 'Percy'." Hannah let go of Jimmy's leg.
"I'm sorry, sir, contestants only." The woman said as Jimmy tried to follow them through the double doors to the dressing rooms.
"Oh." Jimmy looked at Hannah. "This is where we must part."
"Oh." Hannah looked from the door to Jimmy and back again – fame and fortune or Jimmy…it was a tough choice.
"I'll be waiting outside." Jimmy said, jingling his car keys.
"I haven't made a decision yet!"
"No, but I knew what your answer would be."
Hannah and Jess walked down the long low-lit corridor.
"He reads me like a book!!" Hannah exclaimed.
"Oh, and that's not hard."
The closer they got to the end of the corridor, the louder the audience got. They could hear the death chant being practised as they walked up to the entrance onto stage and waited for their beckoning.
"Do you think we're going to die, Jess?"
"Probably." Jess said, her knees slightly shaking. "But we've lived a good life. I just wish my dad was here to see this."
"Biological, non-biological or Xander?"
"Biological." Jess sniffed.
"Don't worry," Hannah comforted, "He's probably airing it live in his mall."
Suddenly the lights on stage dimmed and the audience got told to shut up, literally, on a card held up to them. A drum roll started up sinisterly.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…" A loud voice boomed over the loudspeakers. "Please welcome our next contestants…Jesss and Percy!" Hannah took a step towards the stage but a prop guy held her back.
"Hang on, they're just clearing the bodies. Ok." He let them through and they walked on stage to a wall of sound (mainly applause).
"Jesss! Percy! Hi." The green-haired presenter grinned.
"Actually, my name's Hannah."
"Sure thing, Perse." The presenter straightened his tie. "Are you ready to get JANGOED?"
"YES!" Screamed the audience.
"It's not up to YOU!" Jess yelled at them.
"Ok, the first round is the quick fire round. Try to answer as many questions as you can!" A clock started ticking.
"Percy-"
"HANNAH!"
"Whatever. What is the only remaining wonder of the ancient world?" Hannah frowned in concentration.
"The pyramids?"
"I'm SORRY, HANNAH, but you're…absolutely right!"
Lights flashed in Hannah's face.
"Yey!"
"Jesss-"
"Hello."
"5 packs of 72 fridge magnets are given to you, how many packs do you have in total?"
"FIVE!" Jess screamed, rather over-excitedly almost falling off her podium.
"CORRECT!" Sirens wailed deafeningly indicating a Bamboozler question.
"Ok, for 50 extra boozler points, just answer this question incorrectly in a correct manner." The spotlight fell on Hannah.
"Percy-"
"HANNAH!!"
"CORRECT!"
"But I wasn't answering the question," Hannah said faintly, confetti falling on her head.
"Ok, the SECOND quick fire round!! What's the birthday of Peter Cook??"
The audience gasped at the difficulty where as Jess stood there and laughed. She laughed so much she almost forgot to answer the question.
"HA ha ha, um ahem, sorry, that would be 17th November."
"Correct!"
"Well, yes. Obviously." Jess smiled smugly.
"Percy?" Hannah resigned herself to her new, stupid name and replied:
"Yes. I am Percy."
"Who wrote Beethoven's 5th Symphony?"
"Is this a trick question?" The presenter looked confused.
"No."
"It was Beethoven."
"YES!"
"Hey, this may be easier than we thought!" Hannah whispered to Jess.
"Shut up and pay attention, Hannah."
"Oh, please, call me Percy."
"JESS! How many 'I's are there in the word: 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'?"
"Five!"
There was a drum roll. "CORRECT!!"
Jess breathed a sigh of relief – she had taken 20 minutes of her precious revision time on that godforsaken word.
Suddenly the stage floor in front of them opened up to reveal a shark infested waters pit.
"Oh great." Jess said, under the noise of the audience's cries for blood thirsty gore.
"Time for the final three!" The jaws theme started up. "You have to answer every question correct, or you DIE!" The spotlights went on Jess and Hannah collectively. "You may answer these questions together…" The host added. "What Latin word does the word Flamingo come from?"
"Flame." Jess said straight away.
"CORRECT!!" The host shouted happily, despite looking nervous at the progress that Jesss and Percy were making. "Hannah, what was the third track on the Silverchair album, 'Diorama'?"
"'Without You'. Do you want to know who produced it?" Hannah asked.
"CORRECT! And no." The presenter fiddled with his cards. They needed to find a killer question to stop Hannah and Jess winning everything and making 'JANGO!' bankrupt.
"Ok, girls, final question. This is a hard one, so you can confer." The presenter ran a hand through his green hair and read the card. "What is the air speed velocity of an unladen migrating swallow?"
The audience gasped. This was a tricky one.
"I'm going for 22 and a half, Jess." Said Hannah in a whisper.
"22 and a half what, Hans? You don't even know the units of velocity!" Jess frowned and thought hard. "Hang on!" She suddenly turned to the presenter. "Do you mean an African or European Swallow?"
The presenter gaped at her.
"I…I dunno!" A sledgehammer swung and smacked him in the head and gunge fell from the ceiling onto him. Gold bits of paper fell from the ceiling. Jess and Hannah only realised afterwards that it was gold leaf.
There was a grand, final roll of the drums as a voice, sounding particularly like that off the National Lottery, boomed from the ceiling.
"You are the first and last winners of 'JANGO!'. Your prize is…an apartment!!"
"Oh for fuck's sake!" Jess snapped. "I'd rather have spaghetti, thanks." She snarled.
"Ssh! You never know, the green haired man might come back from the dead and take it all back!" Hannah grabbed a hold of Jess and they ran off the stage to resound booing from a bloodthirsty audience.