Jess had taken all of them into her kitchen for tea. (That's the liquid kind as opposed to the food). They all sat around the table in a quiet silence.
"Well, that was fun," said Hannah. "I think I might go to bed now, seeing as I haven't slept for three months."
"What?!" Jess erupted. "No! This can't be it!! Can it?"
"Well, I guess we could just go upstairs and play 'The Sims'?" Hannah tried to come to an agreement.
"NO! And we don't have copyright!" Jess shouted.
"Hey Jess, this Coca-Cola is good!" Xander commented.
"I prefer Pepsi," Ben remarked.
"Yeah, well, you would."
Silence reinforced itself. Gregory was still wagging his Alsatian-tail, trying his hardest to fit in.
"Give it up, man, you're too green to go with the wallpaper," Ben muttered at him.
"Yeah, Gregory...you CLASH," Xander hissed at him.
"Stop bullying the alien," Hannah snapped.
"Everyone had enough tea?" Jess' non-biological dad asked.
"Mr Jess's non-biological dad...we've had six teapots between us and Otto looks like a water bed," said Ben.
"Oh...ok," said Jess's non-biological dad, sitting down and pouring himself a cup.
"I can't take it anymore!" Jess suddenly screamed. She leapt up and ran down the hall to the phone and dialled an extremely long number. "Hello? Dad?...Yeah...Look, my life is going f*ck*ng crazy, if you'll excuse my Gambian. I've never asked before, in 16 years of my life, but could you...oh. Oh, ok, I see." Jess hung up and came back into the kitchen. "He's filming 'Michael Palin's Amazon' and can't come to save me from madness," Jess muttered, sitting down.
"Where's he filming?" Ben asked cheerfully.
Everyone looked at him with scorn.
"Duh, Ben - the Amazon. South America," Xander commented. He looked smug.
"Duh again, Xander - it's a show about Amazon.com - he's in New York," said Jess.
Xander went red and fell silent.
"This always happens...in films and books...the famous fathers never have time for their poor neglected daughters..." Hannah said.
"Maybe there's a connection there..." Ben said sarcastically.
"I need the toilet," Otto said.
"Upstairs toilet or downstairs toilet?" Hannah asked. "Oh...wait..."
"I'm a dog," said Gregory. "I should be a cat." He popped into one.
"Can you be a llama?!!" Hannah asked.
"NO!" everyone said.
"Well actually-" Gregory started.
"NO!!"
"I-"
"NO!!"
"Ok then. Point taken."
"NO!!"
"Where's your toilet, Jess?" Otto asked impatiently.
"Hmm...for friends...up the stairs and to the left. For FREAKS - there's a hole at the bottom of the garden."
Otto scowled at her. "You don't have a garden, anymore, Jess," Otto muttered.
"Well...you may use the upstairs facilities, in that case," Jess decreed. "BUT - bleach everything you have touched afterwards."
Otto rolled his eyes and stomped off upstairs.
"I need you humans to help me," said Gregory. "You need to take me to a place up high, preferably in the clouds."
"Try Hannah's head," suggested Ben.
Hannah punched him.
"Why?" asked Xander.
"Because I need to conduct my meteorological experiments. How can my people invade your planet if we don't know what your weather is like?" Gregory scoffed.
There was a silence.
Ben looked at Xander, who looked at Jess, who looked at Hannah, who smiled.
Ben grabbed a hold of a nearby plant pot, dropped the plant on Gregory's head then rammed the pot over his head. Xander picked up the teaspoon from his tea cup and started to bang the side of the pot with it.
"Oh well done Xander, what are you going to do? Deafen him to death?!!!"
Ben grabbed a potato sack from out of his jumper and put Gregory in it, tying up the top with string.
"Oh dear," Xander said, "So violent." He tutted.
"What is it with you two and having stuff in your jumpers!" Jess exclaimed.
"Oh my God. We just saved the Earth from an alien invasion!" Hannah exclaimed. No sooner had the words left Hannah's lips than there was a tinkling noise followed by an evil cackle. The all turned to see Gregory standing by the smashed flower pot, looking smug.
"FOOLISH EARTHLINGS!" He laughed, scornfully. "Did you really think you could hold me with that terracotta contraption?"
"Well, obviously. That's why we tried it," muttered Otto. "Jesus, for a supposedly intelligent alien, you're pretty thick."
"You little b*st*rd," muttered Jess.
"Now, Jess, that isn't going to stop him taking over Earth, is it?" said Otto, helpfully.
"I was talking about YOU," Jess concluded.
Suddenly, Ben rushed forward, grabbed Hannah from behind and threw her over his shoulder.
"Ben...really! I'm flattered, but this is neither the time nor the place..."
Ben ignored her and pulled off her trainers with one hand.
"TAKE COVER!" he yelled, grabbing his nose as he let the trainers fall to the ground.
Jess, Xander and Otto dropped to the floor.
"You b*st*rds! You're taking the mickey out of me having smelly feet again, aren't you?"
There was a silence.
"AREN'T YOU?"
There was a groan and a thud. Ben dropped Hannah onto the tiled floor.
"OW!"
"SUCCESS!" Ben picked up the unconscious form of Gregory. "All the modern technology in the world, but he couldn't cope with a simple pair of cheesy feet."
"I can't cope with cheesy feet!" Hannah exclaimed. "So I'd know if I had them!!" she screamed.
"Stop trying to make yourself sound good in front of our two readers, H," Jess said, contemplating the various ways in which they could dispose of Gregory's body.
"I propose-" Ben started.
"You never! Far too late Ben, as always..."
"SHUT UP AND QUIT WARPING MY MIND!!!" Jess shouted. "Please, continue Ben..."
"Ok, well, I was going to say we should construct a rocket to blast him back to where he came from."
"Oh, and where's that Ben?" Xander said sarcastically.
"Outer space."
"Oh."

<< back to Book 3.4

� Jess and Hannah 2002