Jess kept Hannah awake by tossing and turning over and then rolling back and forth in her single bed next to Hannah's.
"Will you cease from all thinking you she-devil!" Hannah cried out suddenly, silencing Jess' rustling and crumpling of sheets.
"What's 'cease'?"
"Oh shut up!"
There was silence finally in the room.
"Hannah?"
"What now?"
"I like having your brain...it's all, floaty! Not a care in the world! It's...wicked!"
Hannah growled. "That brain you haveth is not my property. I have disowned it, starting from the very mili-second it left my humble body."
There was silence as Jess tried to digest the information. "So you don't want it back?"
"Good God, no!" Hannah exclaimed.
"Well, I like being floaty...so we should just stop like this...it's cool."
"I profoundly agree. Now shut that hole in your face and sleep woman!"
Jess turned onto her right side, then on to her left, then onto her back. After five minutes she repeated the whole pattern.

Hannah and Jess came down to breakfast the next morning to see the others all assembled there expectantly.
"Ready to get your brain back?" Xander asked Jess as she sat down.
"Ready to come back down to my level of intelligence?" Otto asked Hannah.
"Actually, Jess and I have an announcement," said Hannah.
Jess looked blank.
Hannah nudged her with her elbow.
Jess jumped. "I like spoons!" she declared.
Hannah sighed. "We wish to inform you that we are happy with our new personalities...and we WON'T be changing back."
There was a silence.
"Oh, dear Mother of Christ, NO," said Otto, disappearing under the table and trying not to make his eye makeup run.
"What?" Ben exclaimed.
"Is this some kind of joke?" Lee asked.
"Not at all, my dear gremlin friend," said Hannah.
"Will you come with me for a second, Hannah?" Lee asked, getting up.
Hannah got up and followed him to the other end of the room, out of earshot of the rest of the group. "What is it?" Hannah asked Lee.
"This is stupid!"
"What is?"
"You know what! Jess isn't intelligent enough to know whether she wants her brain back or NOT - you've tricked her!"
Hannah laughed. "What can I say - she's a halfwit."
"She's only a halfwit because she's been given YOUR halfwittedness! Don't forget that!"
"Do I LOOK like a halfwit? Can YOU recite the periodic table - backwards?"
"Well, I know you're not a halfwit now, but before you gave up your halfwittedness and became unhalfwitted - I mean...whole-witted...I..." Lee got majorly confused and gave up. "Just sort it out!" He stomped back over to the table, defeated.
Jess was laughing at Lion's breakfast. "Look, Lee - it's Lion's SAUSAGE! Lion's got a SAUSAGE!"
"Shut your infernal racket!" Hannah scolded Jess as she arrived back at the table.
"Have you got PMS?" Ben snapped.
"No actually, I'm 19 days from release of possible zygotes in the form of eggs."
Everyone looked at her aghast.
"I think we should go - now!" Otto said.
"No, I'm floaty!" Jess said, being fed by Ben who was imitating that the fork was an aeroplane.
"Let's go," finalised Xander, pulling Jess to her feet (she was now a little tipsy after having a glass of tomato juice for breakfast).

As they sat back in the dining room at the Wizard's house, Hannah was whispering an ultimate plan to Jess, to let them keep each other's brains.
"I gotta better idea!" Jess laughed. She pulled out a mallet from under her seat and knocked Otto out with it.
"He's not the problem you imbecile!" Hannah exclaimed.
"Oops."
"What are you doing?" asked Lee, coming over.
"Nothing," lied Hannah.
"Are you trying to persuade Jess to keep your heart?"
"NO!" said Hannah, indignantly.
"Is she?" Lee asked Jess.
"Is she what?" Jess asked.
"Trying to convince you to keep her heart?"
"Eh?"
Lee groaned and sat back down.
"Our plan's going perfectly, Jess!" Hannah cackled.
"Plan?" Jess asked. "What plan?"
"My plan to take over the world with my intelligence and enslave all the commoners."
"Oh..." Jess paused. "Where do I fit into this?"
"You don't."
"Don't I rule too?"
"No, Jess. You're just my stepping stone to power. I just need your intelligence, humour and with - not you/"
"Oh." Jess paused again. "Cool!"
The Wizard of SofaLand came out of his room in a pair of purple pyjamas. He rubbed his eyes. "What do you want?"
"We need you to change them back."
"Do they WANT to be changed back? There needs to be mutual agreement first."
"There wasn't when you changed them around in the first place!" exclaimed Peter.
"Ah, but that was different. I caught them by surprise."
"Well surprise them again Goddammit!" Peter cried.
"Only once as a wizard am I allowed to do that."
"Oh, p*ss on that," growled Otto, snatching the wand from the pocket in his purple pyjama bottoms. "KAZZAM!" he shouted, pointing it at Jess and Hannah.
Unfortunately, Xander was standing in front of them and got changed into a green spotted pig.
"Oh ARSE!" shouted Otto. "Turn him back!" He shoved the wand back into the Wizard boy's hands.
"I'm only allowed to do it if he agrees to it..."
Otto smacked the boy round the back of his head.
Xander returned to his normal form. "That really was not amusing."
Ben giggled in the corner.
"NOW TURN 'EM BACK!" Otto screamed. "OR I'LL SET MY DAD ON YOU, WITH MORE LAWSUITS THAN YOU CAN SHOVE UP YOUR ASS!"
The boy scoffed. "Who's your Dad?"
"The owner of the internet."
"There isn't one!" exclaimed Hannah.
"That's what you think."
"You mean my IT Tutor was telling me LIES?"
Otto ignored her.
"Well...I...could do..." said the Wizard.
Everyone but Hannah and Jess breathed a sigh of relief.
"...FOR A FEE!" he suddenly shouted.
"YOU LITTLE-" Otto was furious.
"What do you want?" asked Spike, doing a cartwheel.
"I want..." The Wizard thought hard. "...The magical flying possum of SofaLand."
"I'm SORRY?" asked Otto, in disbelief.
"You heard," said the Wizard. "Bring me the possum, and you get your swap."
"Oh...Christ..." Lee tried to control his temper. "Where do we find this stupid possum?"
"The Wild Wood." The Wizard pulled a map from his pocket. "It's out the otherside of Disneyland."
"Right..." Lee snatched the map.
"Hang on! Disneyland?!" Hannah stuttered. "I am not going to a cheap French rip-off of Disneyworld!" She folder her arms across her chest. "No bloody way!"
"How far to it?" Otto accepted this stupid mission on the basis that it could possibly get him home to his private gym and sports centre in his private mansion in the middle of Hollywood.
"Follow the purple slate road until you arrive at Chuck Jone's house. You've got to get a Disney pass then and be transformed into 2-D cartoon characters to roam the world of Disney in search for the only 3-D object in Disneyworld - the magical flying possum."
"Sounds like too much work for me," muttered Xander.
"We'll do it. But, be aware, when we get back - I'm going to sue you so bad-"
"Yeah, yeah, Otto. Let's proceed," said Hannah, rather pleased with the possibility of keeping Jess' brain for a long time - it might give her a chance to escape with it intact too. If she held Disneyland ransom, the Earth would not be able to cope...she would rule the world! She cackled aloud.
"What's so funny?" asked Spike.
"Nothing!" Hannah exclaimed, too quickly.

<< back to Book 3.2

� Jess and Hannah 2002