“OH...OH, KELLY! OH...OH...YES...OH...OH...”
Kelly sat with his arms crossed in a chair on the far side of the room and watched Hannah with a combination of exhaustion and desperation.
Hannah bounced up and down on the huge double bed and tried to touch the ceiling.
“Have you finished with the nice bouncy bed now, Hannah?” he asked, grumpily.
“Oh...but...it's so...BOUNCY!” she exclaimed.
“WELL, DON'T YOU THINK IT'D BE MORE BOUNCY WITH TWO?!” Kelly shouted standing up.
Hannah stopped bouncing. “Why, Kelly...what are you suggesting?”
Kelly banged his head against the wall.

Meanwhile, on the beach, a scene was building up...it involved one Siberian tiger who was returning in various amounts of time with either dead or badly injured victims of the storm in his mouth. A mini-pile of bodies was building up on Main Beach and the stench was almost unbearable.
“Eeeww!” whinged Britney Spears as she passed by.
Slowly everybody headed back to the hotel because everywhere was beginning to smell.
“Pretty Boy calling base, problem on main beach, do you receive me? Over.”
“Pretty Boy, base receiving you loud and clear, what's the problem? Over.”
“Large Siberian tiger acting like Lassie with many dead bodies involved. Some alive, over.”
“Ok Pretty Boy, informing hospital now. Backup will be there soon. This is base, over and out.”
The policeman looked at his walkie-talkie in despair. “Base?”
“What?”
“Can I have a sandwich?”

“Ok, so, let's recap,” Jess said to the bemused hospital porter. “I want videos of the following: 'Black Books', 'Spaced', 'Monty Python' and 'Pete and Dud'...”
The porter just couldn't cope any more and keeled over.
“You look like you're feeling better,” observed Ian, walking into Jess' room. “I bought you some grapes - I thought I'd be traditional.”
“There's a lot of natural sugar in grapes,” Jess said.
“Oh.” Ian looked deflated. He turned to place the fruit in the bin and saw the wrapper from the blueberry muffin Toby had bought Jess. “What about the unnatural sugar in that?” he exclaimed.
“Oh...b*gger it,” said Jess, caught out.

“Oooh,” said Hannah. “Oooh! That's a nice shirt!”
“Thanks,” muttered Kelly. “Mind if I take it off?”
“Why? You hot?”
“No...”
“Me neither...so why take it off?”
Kelly sighed. “Look Hannah, I thought...when you said, back on the beach, that you loved me, and then you agreed with going to the hotel and then suggested the double room that you meant--”
“The double rooms have funky bouncy beds!” Hannah said.
“Right,” sighed Kelly. “So you didn't mean that you wanted to--”
“What?”
“Well...”
“Bounce on the beds?”
“No...”
“Look at your shirt?”
“No...”
“Go up and down in the lift?”
“No...”
“Kiss you?”
“No, not technically...”
“Well then, what?” Hannah frowned in confusion.
Kelly sighed again - things were so complicated these days...he felt 28 going on 72. “I thought you wanted to...” he trailed off.
“Kiss?”
“No.”
“Hug?”
“No.”
“Strip?”
“Well...”
Kelly thought how to put it in his own words, by which time Hannah had finally twigged, “Oh. You wanted to have sex!”
Kelly's face lit up at the mention of the word. (Well, give the boy a break, he had had a really bad day what with shooting someone and then almost getting arrested just because he was Welsh, and it had been quite a long time...)
“Oh, ok then,” Hannah said pushing Kelly back onto the bed.
But before she had even undone the top button of his (very nice) shirt, Liz Hurley burst into the room with a baby in one arm and a 24-your store shopping bag in one hand.
“What the HELL are you doing in my room?” she shouted.
“Well, there's nothing more I hate than stressy mothers apart from intruding stressy mothers,” Hannah said.
“Yeah, find your own room,” said Kelly.
“Excuse me?” Liz replied, looking at Kelly then to Hannah. “Is he Greek or something?”
“No!” Hannah protested standing up and pulling Kelly to his feet. “He's Welsh and he's my boyfriend, not that you'd know the meaning of the word, and we're just on our way to visit my best friend in hospital, so if you don't mind.” Hannah barged past Liz dragging Kelly along behind her. “Oh, and you can have your stuffy little room,” Hannah added from the doorway, “It's too small, it's right next door to the cleaner's cupboard...” Hannah fumbled for a final insult. “...And your kid smells.”

“This is PC Horny B*st*rd. Base, do you read me?”
“Yes, Horny B*st*rd, go on.”
“The pile of bodies is still getting bigger.” He squinted at the top of the pile. “Bodies now appear to include Robert De Niro and Catherine Zeta Jones, over.”
“Ok, Horny B*st*rd, we suggest you start chucking the bodies into the sea. Over.”
“Good idea, base. Over and out.”

Hannah poked her head around the door of Jess' room. Jess was reading a book.
“Jess?” Hannah ventured a step into the room.
Jess looked up. “What do you want?” she asked, sourly.
“To see if you're ok,” Hannah said, coming over to the bed. She sat down. There was a silence. “What are you reading?”
“The Canterbury Tales.”
Hannah tried to show an interest, but dear God, it was difficult. “Oh...let's have a look...” Hannah glanced at the nearest page. “Jesus Christ! What language is that in?!”
Jess scowled. “Middle English, Hannah. It's medieval literature. Now what do you want?”
“Well, I thought I'd--”
Hannah was interrupted by Kelly popping his head around the door. “Hannah, there's a very nice broom cupboard down here...and I hear there's a free bed in the morgue...” He hopped from foot to foot.
“Oh, that's IT.” Jess pressed the attention button by her bed. “Get out.”
“But Jess--” Hannah was cut off as two nurses came in.
“Could you leave, now, please Miss? You're upsetting our patient.” Hannah was bustled out into the corridor.

<< back to Book 2.4

� Jess and Hannah 2002